Category Archives: The Hard Facts

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“An emerging body of research is suggesting that spending time alone, if done right, can be good for us — that certain tasks and thought processes are best carried out without anyone else around, and that even the most socially motivated among us should regularly be taking time to ourselves if we want to have fully developed personalities, and be capable of focus and creative thinking. There is even research to suggest that blocking off enough alone time is an important component of a well-functioning social life — that if we want to get the most out of the time we spend with people, we should make sure we’re spending enough of it away from them.” (“The Power of Lonely,” The Boston Globe 3/6/2011)

For someone who writes a daily blog about making friends, I actually quite enjoy—and am completely comfortable with—alone time. I learned to appreciate time by myself when I was 20 years old, doing an internship in San Francisco for a semester.

Forget having a local BFF. In San Fran I didn’t even have a local F.

These were the three months in which I fell in love with yoga, and the classes kept many of my weeknights busy. On weekends I would pick up my book-of-the-moment and make my way to the local make-your-own-salad place, settle in, eat alone, read, and people watch.

It was a definite time of growth for me, and the period during which I learned the difference between being lonely and being alone. As professor John Cacioppo says in this article, “People make this error, thinking that being alone means being lonely, and not being alone means being with other people. You need to be able to recharge on your own sometimes.”

According to the studies cited in this article, “people form more lasting and accurate memories if they believe they’re experiencing something alone.” Solitude can also make people “more capable of empathy towards others,” and help “teenagers improve their moods and earn good grades in school.” Researchers also found that people feel good about being alone more often than they feel bad about it, it’s just that most of the solitude spotlight is focused on loneliness.

These days, when I have a few hours to myself, I most definitely feel good about  it. But back in the days before this friend search, when I felt at a serious loss for local close friends to call for a playdate? I felt crummy. As is mentioned in this article, it’s a lot easier to handle being alone when it is a choice, rather than a state you’re forced into for lack of companions.

Solitude can also help us think more creatively. “When we let our focus shift away from the people and things around us, we are better able to engage in what’s called meta-cognition, or the process of thinking critically and reflectively about our own thoughts.” For me, this is the kind of critical thinking that happens in the shower, the car, or on the treadmill. (Does that happen to you? I do all my best thinking in the shower. I come up with my most interesting ideas, I remember things I wanted to add to my to-do list, but by the time I make it to my computer… Poof! They’ve vanished. So frustrating!)

The moral of this story is nothing new. It’s the buzzword of the century: Balance. Carving out some alone time for yourself—and, again, this really only applies to solitude by choice—will help you reboot and be even more BFF-ready when you find her.

Thoughts? Do you see the benefits of alone time? And the difference between being alone and being lonely? Discuss.

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“[There’s] new evidence supporting the so-called ‘alliance hypothesis’ of friendship, which states that individuals’ feelings about their friends are based mostly on how those friends feel about them.” (“Research Suggests Friendship Is Built on Alliances,” Penn News, 2/3/2010)

I was initially intrigued by this article because of, duh, my love for Survivor. Turns out it has nothing to do with my favorite reality show (or its crush-worthy host), although the concept of alliances on the island isn’t totally dissimilar from this new BFF hypothesis.

At first glance, this new research doesn’t really seem like news. We like the people who like us back. So what?

But the researchers say the alliance hypothesis is in opposition to the friendship motivators most people believe in. It “contrasts with the more conventional ‘reciprocity’ theory of friendship, which holds that humans make friends mostly in order to reap the reciprocal benefits.”

I’ve often mentioned here that reciprocity is a rule of friendship. If I make plans with a new friend, she should (eventually) invite me places in return. If I give her a ride to the airport, she shouldn’t mind driving me home after dinner one night. Not exactly eye-for-an-eye, but the concept isn’t too far off.

These researchers are saying it’s not about keeping score, it’s about who likes us best. We are jealous creatures, and we want the friends we rank as “best” to put us in their top spot in return.

It sounds petty at first: We only like people because they like us? What about appreciating people for their kind hearts or sense of humor or generosity of spirit? But think about it seriously. What’s your reaction when Sally says that Jenny is her very best friend forever, and Jenny says Sally is a just-ok buddy.

It comes off as sad. Desperate even. Like poor Sally is hanging on Jenny’s every word. They’re like Gretchen Wieners and Regina George.

People want BFFs to share half-heart necklaces with. And if your BFF values you as much as you value her, shouldn’t reciprocity logically follow? You’ll want to do nice things for each other, in a relatively equal amount?

Of course, this is where Survivor does indeed tie in. You are in an alliance with someone who you hope likes you as much as you like them, and thus will want to keep you until the end. (Unbelievable side note: I actually didn’t realize that Survivor premieres tonight until half-way through writing this blog post. It’s some sort of cosmic love between me and Jeff at work here.)

If you had to pick, which “friendship hypothesis” would you say drives your relationships? The reciprocal, “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” theory? Or the alliance “you like me the best so I’ll like you” principle?

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“Are the upper classes really indifferent to the hopes, fears and miseries of ordinary folk? Or is it that they just don’t understand their less privileged peers? According to a paper by three psychological researchers…members of the upper class are less adept at reading emotions.” (“As For Empathy, The Haves Have Not” 12/30/2010)

Wealth and status have always been touchy subjects in friendship. It’s an uncomfortable moment when your BFF wants to order a seven course-meal at the fanciest restaurant in town and you have to say you can’t afford it.

I wrote about this situation last summer and commenters got riled up. Money—especially when it’s tight—is a sore spot. One reader said she recently lost a friend because of a split-the-bill situation gone wrong.

According to this new research, people with money to spare aren’t necessarily being selfish or inconsiderate when they act clueless about a friend’s financial circumstances. They just don’t have as strong a capacity for empathy.

“Here’s why: Earlier studies have suggested that those in the lower classes, unable to simply hire others, rely more on neighbors or relatives for things like a ride to work or child care. As a result, the authors propose, they have to develop more effective social skills — ones that will engender good will.”

If you’ve never had to ask for similar help, the authors’ logic goes, then you’ve never had to hone your people skills.

It’s an interesting argument, and it makes sense on the surface. But I have plenty of friends who grew up incredibly privileged, and many of those friends now use their advantages to help others. They may not be able to walk in the shoes of the “have-nots,” but they are certainly not “indifferent to the hopes, fears and miseries of ordinary folk” and I think they do understand their less privileged peers.

I don’t do the research, I just report it, but here’s what I think (for whatever it’s worth): Empathy can be taught. If you don’t have empathy, if you can’t bring yourself to understand where another person is coming from, it might be because it was never modeled for you. Not just because you have money.

Perhaps, if one is raised in a home of privilege, she is less likely  to get empathy exposure. And thus has less of it as an adult. Maybe that’s where the research comes from.

I don’t know. It’s just a theory.

What do you think? Have you found that people in the upper-class have a harder time relating to others? Are cross-class relationships impossible to maintain?

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“The average female will shed more than 10 pounds when she has girlfriends who are willing to eat healthily and train with her. But a fifth of those who choose to go it alone don’t drop a single pound. The study of 3,000 women also revealed 61 percent find it almost impossible to summon up the energy to exercise alone. However the same proportion enjoy going for a jog or taking a swim with a friend – and admit they push themselves harder if they have company.” (“Women Who Work Out Together Are Far More Likely To Lose Weight,” The Daily Mail 6/10/2010)

A few months ago I admitted that I’d put on some weight since starting my BFF search. When you’re eating out a lot, it’s hard to cut back calories—and eating with other people has been scientifically proven to make a person eat more.

But good news! While friends giveth pounds, friends can taketh away.

Since I wrote about the wine and sushi (and cupcakes and fries) taking over my midsection, I have shed some of the weight. Not all. But, you know, some.

And that some can be directly linked to both new friends and general friend-making efforts.

First, my co-worker encouraged me to run a 15K with her. I’d been slacking on my treadmill dates, so this was a perfect incentive to get back on the wagon.

Coincidentally, my cleanse started on the day of the race. I went straight from one get-fit project to another. The reason I signed up for the cleanse was that it was based on a support system. (Also because it wasn’t a wacky only-drink-your-own-urine type of weirdo diet. This was just about eating clean – fruits, veggies, oats, nuts.) We met every Wednesday to learn about what we were doing to our bodies, and every Sunday for yoga. There was even a movie night.

Now that both my projects are over and it’s back to motivating myself with the sheer desire to be healthy, I’m already having a hard time. Not so much with the nutritious food aspect (the cleanse really helped in that regard. I’m much more interested in eating real food now. And, if you can believe it, I’m still off caffeine! Success) but in the drag-your-butt-out-of-bed-and-to-the-gym aspect. Except on Saturdays, when I meet two new friends for dance class. ‘Cause that’s just fun, and brings the promise of a girls brunch afterwards.

See what I mean? Those researchers know what they’re talking about.

Do you have more success with weight loss or get-fit efforts when you’re with friends? Or are you of the “diet is personal and the gym is my me time” mindset? (I used to love going to the gym alone in the mornings, it was my moment of Zen. Not sure what happened to that…)

There’s been a lot of great conversation on the blog this week. I’ve been fascinated to read your take on mean girls and online friending, not to mention last week’s discussion of appropriate birthday greetings. (Birthdays are a touchy subject—I love it!). Yesterday I was super intrigued by the divide when it came to huggers and non-huggers. And the comments brought to light another friendship topic I’ve had on the brain: Cultural differences as they pertain to BFFs.

In response to my awkward hugging encounter, one commenter, a German native, wrote: “Maybe this is a cultural thing, but I only hug people I feel somewhat close to. … I don’t hug old-coworkers, classmates or sports buddies just because I haven’t seen them in a long time. We shake hands (this is much more common in Europe, and it’s not at all business-like, just friendly).”

An Australian reader wrote: “North America is a hug or handshake culture and it seems awkward to shake hands with a friend or non-professional acquaintance. Here in Australia we mostly do the European cheek-kiss thing. It still sometimes brings awkward situations but not as much.”

Acceptable friendship behaviors, and the general expectation of what a friendship will be, vary pretty significantly from one country to the next. For example, a reader once told me that in Italy it is totally acceptable to ask a solo diner if you can share a table with them. (Doesn’t that sound like the beginning of every romantic comedy ever?) Not always the case in the good ol’ U.S. of A.

Then there are the Croatians and their “friendship over business” stance.

When I first started writing about my search, I discussed it over email with a friend who’s living in Hong Kong. He wrote, “I would be willing to bet that Americans are much more likely to relate to your blog for the simple reason that they are much more likely to travel. In fact, I heard once that something like 85% of the world population ends up living within 20 miles of the house in which they grew up.” I haven’t been able to confirm that exact statistic, but I can say that Americans are the most mobile people in the world. We move, on average, every 5 years. If adults across the globe are more likely to stay in one place, they’re obviously less likely to encounter problems of the I’m-moving-how-do-I-make-new-friends variety.

A study released just last week delved into the differences in how American and Japanese friends communicate. The study discovered that while Americans are all about telling our friends everything, that doesn’t fly between friends in Japan. “[Researchers] found that Japanese people were more likely to feel that relationships were stable and because of this, were less likely to share so much information with their closest friend. However, Americans shared more information with friends than the Japanese because they saw their relationships as more fragile and shifting more often, thus requiring more maintenance via self-disclosure.” The simple fact that Americans move around more is responsible for other cultural differences in friendship behavior—including our tendency to share everything from our bodily functions to our morning drive traffic report.

Tell me, what cultural differences have you noticed? If you live in the U.S., have you observed any changes in friendship behavior when you travel? If you live outside the States, what is the difference between friends here versus where you live?