Category Archives: 21st Century Friendships

At 1 pm on Saturday I got a text from a friend: “Are you home?”

I was sure something bad had happened. This was not a friend who has ever casually popped over to my place. Another pal texts to ask if I’m around whenever she walks her dog by my house in case I can come to the window to chat. But the Saturday texter? Never. I pictured her crying on my street corner—what had caused the tears would be explained later—with no where to go and no one to turn to.

I would be that shoulder to cry on and listening ear! I was ready! In remembering this moment, I feel like I should have been wearing a cape, determinedly flinging it over my shoulder. Rachel to the rescue!

The reality was a bit different than the imaginary drama. Turned out my friend was at the bakery on my corner with her BFF, and wanted to introduce us. I threw on a pair of shoes and headed to my neighborhood cupcake haven.

The true motivation behind the text was a much better than anything I concocted in my head. I was psyched that my friend thought of me and that she wanted me to meet her VIP pal. But still, what kind of crazy person assumes that anyone who writes “are you home?”must be in need of urgent help?

It reminded me of an article from The New York Times a few weeks ago. In “Don’t Call Me, I Won’t Call You,” Pamela Paul writes about the death of the friendly phone call.  “It’s at the point where when the phone does ring — and it’s not my mom, dad, husband or baby sitter — my first thought is: ‘What’s happened? What’s wrong?'”

I’d go one further. Whenever anyone inquires about my whereabouts in any way—be it via text or phone call or email—I assume there must be a problem. You know, one of those “Where are you? Are you sitting down? I need to tell you something…” messages.

My heart goes pitter-patter when I get a voicemail from a friend.  But if a local pal calls in the middle of the day, and we don’t have plans later or something specific we need to discuss, I must admit I still register some surprise. In writing this blog—and having posted often about the decline of the telephone—I’ve become much better about phone chatting. Considering I often wax nostalgic about that lost art of conversation, I decided I better improve at it. In fact, one of my New  Year’s Resolutions was to hone my phone skills. As in: if it’s ringing, answer it. Don’t wait to listen to the message and mentally prep for voice-to-voice contact.

I’ve gotten much better.

Next up: Accept that someone might ask where I am because they want my company rather than because they need my help.

Have you been there? When you hear unexpectedly from a friend, is your first thought that something must be wrong?

Over the past few weeks or so, it has felt like Twitter is in the air. Obviously the 140-or-less service has been huge for some time now—duh—but lately it feels like every link I click takes me to an article or blog post about the best feeds, or exactly what to do, or, perhaps more importantly, what not to do.

First I read author Allison Winn Scotch’s blog post on how some authors annoy her with their self-promotion. Which led me to writer/blogger Nina Badzin’s list of Twitter do’s and don’ts. Then there was Time magazine’s recent list of the best Twitter feeds. Some of my favorites, including Mindy Kaling and Neil Patrick Harris were included…while others (ahem, R.L. Stine) had me sprinting to hit the Follow button.

When it comes to social media and connecting with other people, here’s my take: Facebook helps me connect with people I do know, Twitter helps me connect with people I don’t.

I am happy to “like” something or someone I don’t know on Facebook. I “like” authors and books and blogs and companies. But I am loath to “friend” a complete stranger. Something about it just feels, to me, a bit off. As if I’m creepily begging someone I don’t know to be my best buddy. (That said, when someone I don’t know friends me I almost always accept.) And even when I do become Facebook friends with someone I don’t know well, their status and photo updates rarely teach me about who they are, just what they did last weekend. I like Facebook for keeping track of my cross-country friends, who I can’t talk to every day or even every week, and for hunting down long-lost acquaintances. It lets me feel like I still know what’s new with them.

With Twitter, on the other hand, I feel like I can get to know someone. I may even go so far as to say I’ve made (virtual) friends through the service. A 140-character limit forces you to get to the heart of your message, and a personality often shines through more in a short quip than a long essay. Twitter feels conversational, and I have absolutely no qualms about following people I don’t know personally. That’s what it’s all about.

Lately, I’ve been focusing mostly on Twitter. (Follow me!) It seems a more acceptable forum for which to do the kind of social media connecting I’m interested in—namely to share links, comment on pop culture, follow interesting people and meet blog readers. I pretty much use Twitter as a place to share the random thoughts I’d reveal to my BFF if she were sitting right next to me while I’m watching TV. (Thus you may notice I do a large majority of tweeting at night, when TV commentary is overloading my brain and no one’s around to to share it with.)

For example, this tweet from Tuesday night when I was up too late and somehow found myself watching—stop judging me!—All About Aubrey  (it was late, I was desperate, I loved Making The Band…. I have no excuse): “Why does Aubrey O’Day keep saying on her show that she wants to be anorexic? Probably not the best choice of words.” No joke, I was watching that show and after the second time she referenced trying to act like “a good anorexic girl,” I looked around my living room for someone, anyone, to stare at in disbelief. Was this actually happening? Was Oxygen really airing it? But alas, there was no one to share in my horror, so I went to the Tweeple.

So that’s why I’m into Twitter these days. It’s most definitely no substitute for a BFF, but in the moments when you need to voice some snippeted pop culture outrage, or ask a question, or share your new favorite YouTube video, and your pals aren’t around, Twitter’s a decent ear.

Are you on Twitter? Which do you like better in the Twitter vs. Facebook debate? Which do you think is better for connecting?

Here’s a fact: I did absolutely nothing yesterday to advance my friend search. Aside from a family lunch, I didn’t leave the house.

I spent the day digging myself out from a pile of emails, a task that’s been on my to-do list for about a month and a half. I did play catch up with some friends, but it was all over email and gchat and text. I played some old-fashioned board games with other friends, except it was through new-fashioned Words with Friends, my latest iphone Scrabble-like obsession that requires no face-to-face interaction with my opponents.

I’m not gonna lie—it was kind of lonely. Not sad or depressing—I socialize plenty, so a day off was fine—but I have to say that connecting over and over online didn’t make me feel more connected, it made me feel more separate. It was as if each Gchat and email reminded me that I was sitting alone on my couch.

Again, this is no pity party. Two years ago it might have been, but yesterday was just a day I chose to stay home and plow my way through a to-do list. But after all my talk of whether or not technology helps us feel connected, it was interesting to participate in this unintended online-communication-only experiment.

I’ve heard social psychology experts say that the people with the most Facebook friends are often actually the loneliest. And now I can see how this could be the case. Facebook chatting is not the same as an in-real-life gabfest. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate technology. It definitely helps me keep in touch with the people in my life. It also helps me forge new connections, like those with the readers of this blog. I’m not looking to go on a techie cleanse (that would have made me feel really isolated yesterday), but online communication is no substitute for the real thing. As opposed to making me feel energized (as girls nights often do), connecting only through technology made me kind of lethargic and grumpy. There was no laughter, just a lot of speedy typing.

And the worst part? At the end of the day, when my phone rang, I hit ignore. I felt tired and distracted and not up for actual voice-to-voice chatter. From all I’ve read about true loneliness, the biggest threat is that if it brings you down too much you retreat instead of seeking social interaction. Sometimes, loneliness begets more loneliness.

My Thursday was a like a microcosm of what a technology-only life could be. The lesson: You don’t have to give up digital interaction, but don’t ever fool yourself into believing it can replace the real thing.

I got married over a year ago. Which means, in theory, I should have received gifts from everyone on our guest list. I have not.

This isn’t a huge surprise. With every wedding there are some guests who don’t deliver. I don’t know if they don’t think they have to, or it slips their minds, or what. I assume that it’s usually a case of forgetfulness—either they think they’ve already given you something or they planned to do it just after the wedding and then they totally spaced.

I’ve been thinking about this because a friend of mine—let’s call her Phoebe—was in town this weekend. Phoebe wasn’t able to attend our wedding and hasn’t gotten us a gift yet. She is horrified at this fact. Much moreso than I am. She actually tried to buy us a gift when she visited last time but there was a credit card mixup and the charge didn’t end up going through (long and not-that-interesting story).

While we were hanging out (read: making cleanse-approved broth), we got to talking about the gift thing. The “rule” is that you should get a couple a present within a year of their wedding.

“I’ve actually seen a friendship fall apart because one guy didn’t get the other a wedding gift,” Phoebe said.

It seems a silly thing to lose a BFF over. But one small misstep snowballs into bigger drama, until suddenly there’s built-up resentment rotting the whole relationship. (To be clear, my friendship with Phoebe is not falling apart. In fact, she told me what she’s getting me. Fun!)

With Phoebe, I really don’t mind. (As to the handful of guests who fall in the no-gift category, I have varying degrees of annoyance. It’s case by case.) She knows, she’s apologetic, whatever. Her friendship is more important than her gift. And it’s not like I invited people to the wedding just for presents. You invite people because you want to celebrate with them and because you want them to witness your special day.

So the question is, does traditional etiquette apply when it comes to close friends?

Take the thank you note. Personally, I couldn’t care less about receiving them. When I do, I read and throw away. The best gift I can give a close friend (along with the actual gift) is to let her off the thank-you-note-writing hook. “Part of my gift is that you don’t have to write me a note,” I told my new-mommy friend earlier this year. “You saw me, you said thank you, that’s enough.” She looked as if I’d given her a pot of gold.

When I send a friend a gift, all I need is a quick email or a text saying, “I got it! I love it!” Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. A thank you note seems so formal, and close friendship is about comfort and informality.

Phoebe totally disagreed. “If I go to the trouble of buying a gift, I want them to take the time to write a note.”

It comes down to where you fall on Emily Post-style manners line.

For me, when it comes to close friends, traditional thank-you notes are unnecessary. I don’t need ’em. As for wedding gifts, I say people should follow the one-year rule. Will I end the friendship if they don’t? No. Will I notice? Yes.

What do you think? Should close friends adhere to old-school etiquette? What are the exceptions?

I’m not saying we’re changing the world here, people. But we might be changing the world.

Just last Thursday, we discussed the lack of friendship vocabulary. In the comments, one of you made a call for “proper terminology that will inevitably be added to Webster.”

And then, the very next day and as if in direct response, the editors of the New Oxford American Dictionary announced they added some new words and phrases. Topping the list?  BFF.

BFF n. (pl. BFFs) informal a girl’s best friend: my BFF’s boyfriend is cheating on her.
— ORIGIN 1996: from the initial letters of best friend forever.

Oxford says BFFs are female specific. But they also included a male version.

Bromance n. informal a close but nonsexual relationship between two men.
— ORIGIN early 21st cent.: blend of brother and romance

And how about this vital addition?

Frenemy n. (pl. Frenemies) informal a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry.
— ORIGIN 1950s; blend of friend and enemy

Unfortunately they didn’t use any of these prime examples of classic frenemy quotes.

What have we learned? Ask and you shall receive. Now that we have the attention of the good folks at Oxford, I’d like to propose a few other words and phrases to be included in the next round.

Frenvy n. A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by a friend’s possessions or by the close relationship between a friend and someone else.
—ORIGIN 2010; blend of friend and envy

Girl Crush n. An intense but platonic infatuation that one heterosexual woman feels for another woman whom she admires or with whom she would like to be friends.
— ORIGIN 2005, The New York Times

Girl Date n. The initial meeting of two potential female friends.
— ORIGIN 2010

PBFF n. informal A person who one doesn’t know very well, but who one believes has the potential to be her best friend forever.
— ORIGIN 2010: from the initial letters of potential best friend forever.

What am I missing? Any other friend-related words you’d like formally recognized?  Speak now, Oxford may be listening.