I’m Rachel Bertsche. Author, journalist, and blogger.
When I started this blog, I was in search of new friends. I’d just moved to Chicago, and while I had plenty of people I could make plans with three weeks in advance, I had no one I could call for a last-minute brunch, or to come over and drink wine in front of bad reality TV on a Friday night. I decided to go on a quest to find a new BFF, which I chronicled on this blog. (For my friend-finding posts, go here.) I even wrote a book about it.
After three years, 618 posts and countless girl-dates…I made friends.
Today, the blog has evolved: I still talk about friending and friendship, because our ever-changing social world is as fascinating as ever. But I also write about, oh, I don’t know, the Bravermans, or why exclamation points make me crazy, or my next book. Instead of coming to you for more advice on how to make new friends, I’m now working on the assumption that you guys are my new friends. So I’ll rant and rave about all the things I would in person, if only you all would just come over for a glass of wine.
About Me
Before moving to the Midwest, I worked at O, The Oprah Magazine. In addition to O, I’ve written for publications including The New York Times, Marie Claire, Every Day with Rachael Ray, Teen Vogue, Fitness, More, Women’s Health, Paper, Vulture.com, Huffington Post, Chicago Magazine, Ocean Drive and Field and Stream. (Me! Field and Stream! The one about fishing and hunting. So weird, right?) My interview with Katey Sagal, aka Peg Bundy, reached #1 on CNN.com’s list of most-viewed stories of the day. (I had no idea how passionate people are about Peg. And Sons of Anarchy.) My Q&A with Vince Vaughn also reached the top 10. (This was less surprising.) I’ve written about everything from porn films to shark skin, and love diving into new subjects. Being a self-proclaimed pop culturist, I especially love writing entertainment stories. I’ve interviewed a wide range of politicians and celebrities, a Nobel Peace Prize winner and plenty of Oscar winners, including Al Gore, Yoko Ono, Hilary Swank, Tilda Swinton, Queen Latifah, James Cameron, Stephenie Meyer, Taylor Swift, Zac Efron and Emma Thompson. I graduated from the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University, where I was the student newspaper’s resident sex columnist. (My piece on vibrators made it onto Howard Stern. True story.)
For more info about me, or to see clips of my writing, check out my official website.
MWF Seeking BFF 
I love your blog! I wrote a two-part series last year about desperatly seeking a playdate (for ME!) and it reminds me of your BFF search! If you want to check it out, it’s at: janeSuter.com.
I wish you great success in your search; It is so hard to find that perfect someone.
i just came across your blog after a difficult evening with my girlfriend. we have been living in a lovely village called Soller on the spanish island of mallorca for about 1 and a half years. we both love it here….its a beautiful place…….but……its impossible to meet good guys…..even interesting men to have a decent conversation with….its a hard one…..anyways…..i just thought id share that….maybe uve inspired me to actively begin a journey to meet my new bf….i hope that i meet someone interesting soon…..its getting pretty lonely…good luck with your projects!
Love your blog 🙂 I popped on over here after reading your comment at Ivy League Insecurities. I think this is a true problem that many women have today…unfortunately, I think it just gets harder and harder! This morning I played outside with my four little ones for over two hours…walked around the block, to the park, etc. etc. The ONLY people I saw passed by me in cars…sometimes I feel like I’m not only looking for a BFF, I’m looking for anyone!!!!
This is so interesting to me…like Rachel I relocated and have been struggling to make new friends. And like Janelle, I feel totally alone; walking around looking for anyone. In my area most women have children and I’ve gotten the feeling there’s a club I’ve not been given the keys to. Janelle, I’m surprised you are having trouble meeting women due to the fact you have children. Just goes to show it happens to all of us, no matter our situation. I hope that in the year and a half since your post you have found at least one loyal and true friend. My search continues!
Janelle. You are so not alone. I think every woman looking for a bff- feels like she is the only one and is too embarrassed to admit it- now I’m not!
Rachel,
I am so glad that I found your blog. I found you through Embrace the Detour. I can relate to your posts. After living in Texas all of my life, we moved to Phoenix eight months ago. I am fascinated with the subject of friendships. I’ve found it is certainly hard trying to find that BFF in a new city. It is difficult inserting yourself in someone else’s history.
I look forward to reading more of your posts. Nice to meet you.
Rudri @ http://www.beingrudri.com
Love this blog! I can totally relate to the feeling of not having your close friends around anymore. For me, they live in the same city… but they all have small children and lives that now revolve around them… While we still love to see each other, it’s once every 3 months at best. And that can feel pretty lonely!
Good luck in your search for a new BFF – I look forward to following your adventures as they unfold.
OMG That is all I can say! I thought I was crazy because I feel exactly like you do. Oh Rachel if I were in Chicago we’d be on the way to that morning snack with just a few minutes to get ready. I’m a teacher in South Florida and I also have friends but not that BFF. I would love it if you replied to this, but understand if you are too busy. I will continue to read your blog and wish you luck finding your BFF.
Debbie @ gfan7@aol.com
I am enjoying reading your blog… it is hard to find a good girl friend… even harder when they are married. Good Luck with your search.
I’m so glad I discovered your blog (featured on AOL). I moved to Chicago almost 5 years ago and found it hard to make friends. The difference is, I have children. I never would have thought it would be that hard to make friends with other mothers. OMGosh, it’s been the hardest thing ever! I have found a friend that I see once in a blue moon (our children are great friends), but we live on opposite sides of Chicagoland.
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I love the philosophy behind this blog! It is so much harder to find friends in adulthood. I am looking forward to reading about your quest and would love to have you contribute a piece for the Lasting Impressions series on my blog!
Hi Rachel,
I’m learning that you need to find groups or causes in which you believe and join. Network and meet people with common interests. I just started doing that and it’s resulting in new friends and helping my business as well. It took a mentor through an organization to get me away from the computer and my own blog, out of the house and into the world. Good luck in your quest. If I can help just let me know.
This is one of the most validating things I have ever read! Friends have always been central to my existence and I took it for granted that I would always make friends easily and have many friends in my life. In a sense, I do but they are all over the country. Since moving to Washington, DC with my husband ten years ago, I have struggled terribly with my lack of local best friends. My independent consulting work keeps me extremely busy, which is an impediment to making time for friendships. However, I have been horrified by my BFF “dating” attempts. Most of the women I meet have children, which means we lack that connection and it is hard to find common ground. But even with women who don’t have children, I find it hard to find the “tie that binds,” which always existed through school or work up until now. The biggest problem is that I now find myself feeling very insecure and needy when I meet a potential BFF, as if my circumstantial lack of friends has through into question my lifelong ability to be “good” at making friends. I’m sure that I sabotage these budding relationships in some way.
So thank you for starting this blog and helping me to feel less alone in my quest for local BFFs!
Ten years ago I moved from Toronto, Canada to England. I’m still looking for a BF over here. I think part of the problem might be that for the first few years I clung to my Canadian friends – I didn’t try hard enough to put down roots here. So I admire your targeted approach. You go girl!
I’m just delighted to have found your blog since I’m in the same position (in Seattle, though, not Chicago). I have one good friend here, but she doesn’t live close enough for the really spontaneous get togethers, and I’ve realized that what I’m looking for is a little circle of maybe 4 or 5 of us. Don’t know how one builds that, but I’m thinking about it and working on it. It will be inspiring to follow your journey as I go on my own.
I would love to have a friend date with you! Are you accepting applications for this BFF thing? Email me! (I promise I’m not creepy)
Article in the New York Times today on trends in dating, about a site called howaboutwe.com. It’s currently only in NYC, and only for romantic dates, but I think it would be an excellent tool for finding new girl friends. Check it out, then if you agree with me, add some feedback telling the creators so. And let’s hope the site expands to other cities soon!
omg, it’s as if we are walking in the same footsteps…cause i moved out to new york/new jersey (weehawken) and i can’t maintain friends out here to save a life. i can connect you with a friend of mine, she is such as wonderful person. she knows people from everywhere. i moved to the east coast 10 years ago and it took me a while to get my footing and i made some good friends and then boom, i don’t have a one anymore. like u, we are trying to figure out what we are doing wrong, i just think that adults are not as carefree about meeting new people but it is what it is and all we can do is keep trying to meet new people.
sometimes, i feel as if i am so alone and just waiting for someone to pop up into my life and just take me in and be my friend. is it that more complicated as an adult? everyone is either already established with their group of friends or just want want to bother or are so guarded.
i don’t think its that complex but what do i know, after 10 years i have yet to find a nice small group of friends to call my own.
good luck and i’m completely rooting for you! it will happen because we both have to have faith right!
juanita…and good luck in my hometown, its a great city!
not only is it hard to find friends when you move when you are younger, it is difficult to find friends when you move with kids, especially when the kids are older since everyone has made their clicks in that direction as well.
Hi Rachel! I’m enjoying reading your blogs! I can relate in terms of moving away from all of my girls in MI to be with my hubby in Cali (job offer too).
About 3 years ago, I joined meetup.com. It is AWESOME! I’ve met so many cool people. We go out for dinners, movies, pedicures, art festivals, concerts, game nights and the list goes on and on.
I hope you check out that site and end up meeting people you relate too!
Have a nice day!
Jamie
Jamie, I’m a big fan of Meetup.com as well. I’ve met some wonderful women through Meetups. It’s nice when the Meetups form a core group instead of new people all the time so you get to know each other better. I’m wondering if we’re meant to have a larger group of close friends to help us in different areas of our life instead of one BFF who does it all.
Hi, I just read your blog and it has helped me to come out of my little shell of a world. I have been in Nashville for almost 2 yrs. now and am having a hard time finding any friends. It seems all the circles are filled to capacity and I just don’t seem to fit in any where. I was beginning to believe maybe I just need to relocate, but my first thought on that is–Wherever you go–there you are!!! I like your idea and hope I can do something right to meet the right people. My main interest is to learn as much as I can about GOD and following Jesus. I have a broken leg, so I don’t get out very much at this time. Working on that. Thank you for your suggestions. I would like to be able to find a friend or two or more to share this journey through this life, if it be God’s will.
omg…feeling the same way in DC….2 years and the only decent friend ive made is moving….i have great guy friends but of course they are like brothers and drive me crazy sometime!! i just want to talk about satc, shoes, art, films, dancy music, etc… it just sucks. if i had friends in chicago i would set you up with them.
meetup didnt work for me…i think its a great concept but i prefer small intimate groups for better getting to know people and it seemed like a dating service at times…yikes!
good luck girly!
I’m so glad I discovered your blog (featured on AOL). I moved to Chicago almost 5 years ago and found it hard to make friends. The difference is, I have children. I never would have thought it would be that hard to make friends with other mothers. OMGosh, it’s been the hardest thing ever! I have found a friend that I see once in a blue moon (our children are great friends), but we live on opposite sides of Chicagoland.
So glad to hear other people are having the same issues as me! I’m a young fun girl looking to hang out with gal pals to do girly things. I love my husband and he is definitely my one true bff, but nothing beats a girl bff!
I find that as a gay man, and maybe, probably straight men have the same problems. How do you meet new people as friends, besides the obvious routes of mutual friends or volunteering. I guess I relate closer to women as gay men bond differently than straight men, at times I should say.
David
Try team environments….Chicago Single Softball Sundays or Chicago Sport and Social Club which offers a large variety of team options year round. You don’t have to be good, just willing to have fun and meet people.
My two best friends are married, with kids, and live 1-2 hours from me. I would love to have a ‘let’s do something last second’ buddy where advance planning isn’t always required. I’m 34, outgoing, well-ish traveled, went to Northwestern grad school, work in pharma sales, live on the north side in Andersonville. Goodness, I feel like I’m on Match.com 🙂
Hi Janice – we may be a match! Don’t think I’m a weirdo but I too work in pharma sales and am well-traveled. I’m moving to Chicago (from NYC) on July 30th to Lakeshore East. The only person I will know is my boyfriend – who will be extremely busy in residency. Please email me if you ever want to meet up!
Thank you I am not a weirdo!
Your blog is totally relatable.
I am someone who is still living in the city where I went to college but my college friends have all moved away. It is depressing to not have friends to go shopping with, get pedicures, or have dinners & drinks.
I was really excited to come across your article on AOL a short while ago! I had 2 best friends, and for various reasons, needed to let them both go. I’ve met a variety of people since them, and none has turned into a bff or anything close to it. I think if I had other things to occupy my time, it wouldn’t bother me as much, but I’m going through a hard time right now and could really use a bff, and there’s nobody there. So, I definitely get where you’re coming from, and it’s nice to know I’m not the only person out there seeking what I like to call a “sister-friend.” Good luck in your search!
Love reading your articles and especially the one about finding bff’s.
My biggest problem is the fact that I currently live in a small town with not a lot of opportunities to join in with others. All the action is in Austin TX, which is a little over an hour away from me now, where I moved from several years ago. The other thing is the fact that I am 45 with no kids and do not work outside the home. It’s difficult finding friends that are in my same situation. The ones my age usually all work and the ones that are younger all have kids and are extremely busy with keeping up with them.
I just moved to PA with my GF who is also attending Law school here. I am the most co-dependent social person ever. Up until now however, I’ve always had groups of friends who all knew each other and who all got along. Starting over with out one life line to grab on to has been one of the most difficult things I’ve done (and I’ve gotten lost in China with no money and no grasp of the language) so I took your advice and let all my friends know that I was looking for some local buds, and to introduce me to anyone they knew in my area. Crossing my fingers.
Thank you for having this blog. It was mentioned on AOL News so I had to find out more. I moved out of the Midwest 2 years ago to the South and have been having a hard time adjusting to the no BFF issue. I’m a very spontaneous person and love to just get up and go and people down here are not like that. I’ve joined a book club, a bunko club, and do volunteer work to no avail. You have given me new inspiration to continue my trek. Thank you from my empty BFF heart.
Just saw the article about you on lemondrop. Holy poop your blog is funny and totally relatable! My one ‘best’ girlfriend who still lives in the chicago area is in naperville now with her hubs and baby, and might as well be half a world away because i hardly see her anymore. We were totally just complaining about this topic to each other yesterday!
I have to add though, that I kind of think it is even harder for men to make friends. My husband (originally from NC) can attest to that!
Good luck in your quest. In the meantime, I am seriously considering getting knocked up and moving to the burbs so I can be near my friend!
Hi Rachel,
My friend sent me your article because of our parallels. I am living out my final week in NYC before my big move to Chicago. I’ve been spending several happy hours pondering how I’ll make a single BFF in chi-town – all my friends here assure me it will be easy. But I know the truth. If you ever need a pedicure date – please email me!!!
Kelly
It is truly hard to make new friends, to create new bonds and to find someone you can have spontaneous fun with. Are we expecting too much as adults? Our lives are different now, the demands are greater. We are very distracted with all our multitasking. Maybe as we get older we need to change our expectations as to what defines a BFF?
I love love this blog! I was afraid that I was the only one that felt this way. I moved to a big city after living in a small town my whole life to be with my husband. Our town was so small that everywhere you went people knew you and knew what you did all the time. You could sneeze and the dj on the radio would say bless you! Moving to the city meant leaving everyone we knew behind…that was not a bad idea! We loved going shopping, eating out, going to the bank…whatever! and not knowing a single person! We loved this for a good many years! Until recently…I miss hanging out with girls, going shopping or to a girly movie, talking on the phone nonstop, exchaning recipes and advice. Maybe I am too late. Maybe I am too old. I felt like a sad Lifetime Movie until I read your blog! Thank you for letting me know I am not alone…well, I AM alone but not CYBERLY alone! LOL Thanks and keep up the great work. When you find what works for you keep me informed!
Hi Rachel! So I found your blog from an article a FB friend had posted….and I am so glad! I seriously stalked your blog for like a month to catch up from the beginning. I now feel like a normal person just reading the blogs as you send them out. I am in the same boat as you. I moved out of state to Boston with my then boyfriend to then move here to Chicago (we are getting married in a month). Your blog is helping me stay connected with my current friendships and is helping me with making my new Chicago friends to be closer ones! I am still missing the BFF here (within walking distance preferred or a close drive or L stop). I do find that I am picky when looking for a BFF or a great couple friend-set, however I am totally not picky with the occasional hangout friend. Keep it up…totally makes my day!
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Check it out –
http://chicago.timeout.com/articles/museums-culture/88222/meet-joe-friend-finder-service
This guy is charging money to introduce people to new friends! I just read this and immediately thought of your blog.
Too bad I moved away from Chicago last year, you and the project sound like great fun. Wishing you well!
Have kids and all your BFF problems will solve themselves.
Rachel, I’m an old(and I do mean old) friend of Matt’s family. Jane sent me the link to your blog, and I am thoroughly enjoying reading it. It is entertaining and thought provoking at the same time. I believe in the power of female bff’s, and am very lucky to have a few. Keep writing, and good luck with your book. Please send my love to Matt!
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I’ve recently been written off by my local BFF of 10 years. Since my college BFF, my freshman year roommate, is a 3-4 hr. drive from my southern Missouri home, I can relate to your need for a new local girlfriend.
Ok this blog is exactly what I need. Thank you for making me not think I’m a friendless weirdo. I’m in the same boat- just moved to Chicago in June with my significant other and have zero close friends. If you’re ever in the Andersonville neighborhood, and see a mid-twenties girl eating crepes at Icosium by herself- it’s probably me! And yes, I’m posting this on a Saturday night…
Rachel,
I am so happy I came across this site. Like many others I have been in search for my “female soulmate”. I lost my best friend of 15 years this past summer to an argument she refuses to forgive me for. I find it very hard, living in the North East, to establish new relationships with woman. It is like reliving my high school years all over again. Maybe through reading your blog I will gain enough confidence to reach out and find that special friend. Thank you for what your are doing! You have a new fan and friend 🙂
It’s so hard to make friends as an adult. Especially if you are married, and you want to have a friend who isn’t necessarily the wife of someone your husband wants to be friends with also. It gets even worse if you have kids, and your only source of friends become other married couples with kids your age. I am glad I stumbled across your blog…I have very good friends scattered all over the globe, and it gets lonely sometimes…
So glad I found your site! I thought maybe it was just me, that I’m the only socially backward person in the world who doesn’t know how to make friends anymore. It’s hard when you’re at a different stage of life than the people you used to hang out with. When I was married and our kids were young, we had other people in the same stage with us who’s kids would play with ours. Now I’m divorced with older teenagers with lives of their own and it’s just… different. Now I don’t feel so alone in my search for new friends. 🙂 Thanks!
I haven’t read any of your blog yet, but it looks like it will be good 🙂
Sorry for the double post and the capital letters (I don’t usually use them):
WHY DID I NOT DISCOVER YOUR BLOG (or something similar) TEN YEARS AGO? It’s awesome!
you are basically living my life. i’m in chi town to, well the burbs. my bestie is in atl and that’s it, no more people I can just pop by their house and have tea with and watch some horrible show for a couple of hours not to speak hardly with and then leave feeling relieved to have my best friend!
I found your blog through my friend Rudri’s blog. I recently moved back to my hometown, and most of my friends are no longer here. Recently, I have been re-evaluating my friendships and your blog made me realize that a BFF is exactly what I’m missing. I just read your essay “Making the First Move” and I will be trying some of your tips. I might even join Facebook, although I’ve fought the trend until now. Thanks, and I look forward to reading your blog!
I know what you mean. Moved to Chicago from another country at age 15, but Undergrad & grad school at Loyola (along with the universality of the Catholic Church) eventually eased the way into a new culture. More graduate schooling at UNC and heavy church involvement (through which I met my husband), made the 10 years in Chapel Hill feel like they really were spent in “the Southern Part of Heaven.” Then, five years ago, we moved to Tampa. In of culture shock and difficulty making friends, I felt once again like a 15-year old who’d just moved to a new country: Tampa is ugly compared to Chapel Hill, the intellectual stimulation that comes with being in a university town is sorely lacking and the women (with one exception), tend to be very cold and cliquish (they all grew up here). Until recently, that is. Now that I’ve joined a new group at a new church, I see some girlfriend possibilities. Good luck with your search. I look forward to keeping up with your blog.
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A co-worker told me about your blog! I can totally relate. I moved to MD to be with my boyfriend (now husband) and it’s been so hard to make friends. I have “mom friends” who I schedule playdates with…but I need a Ms. Right too 😦 I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one having a hard time making adult friends…. 🙂
Where in MD Sandra? I’ve been here nearly a year and so far, no luck! I recently joined a gym in hopes of finding common interests there. I see friend potential in everyone these days. So far, everyone I’ve met has kids and they don’t seem interested without kids in common. Good luck to you. 🙂
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Love the idea of your blog – so much fun. Hope you find your BFF. If not, enjoy the one you see in your mirror every day 🙂
hi….ughh i have had a bestfriend in the seventh grade but my mom moves alot so im always exchangeing schools..it sucks really bad….and id find old friends on facebook,but i guess they forgot about me 😦
I moved to Chicago, and then moved back home to California because it was so hard to make friends in Chicago. Everyone had to have everything planned out, and no one was ever up for just a little random adventure. I am impressed with your tenacity to find new friends, and your ability to get your stories published. There may be a chance I may be moving back to Chicago in a few years…perhaps then we can meet up. On a whim, of course.
Thanks for reading Kristen! The random on-a-whim adventures are so hard to come by, but so much fun….
Just found your blog. I feel very similar about having close friends everywhere but here. I am actually originally from Chicago, went to school in Wisconsin and am now in Boston for grad school. I’ve been here for a little over 2 years and find it difficult to find places to meet new people and miss having my best friends near by. Very excited i found your blog!
I just found your blog too, I actually found it through Gretchen Rubin’s website. And as a result, I picked up a copy of your book. live in Canada, and have lived in a small town for 7 years. I have friends there, but not the kind that you can just call last minute to go to a movie, breakfast, to watch a show, etc. I am on a quest this year to find a new BFF in my town. It is not easy to get motivated, but I think this year will be my year. Finding your blog and book was a sign! Thanks Rachel! 🙂
Hi to all the wonderful women posting here. Rachel, I just found your blog from The RetailMeNot Insider. I too have felt for such a long time like I’ve been on the outside of some picture window looking onto a gathering I’m not a part of and never will be. I’ve longed for close women friends that I can share a laugh, a hug, a cry or be able to bear my soul to. I have a husband of 24 years and three dogs. My husband’s wonderful and the dogs give me unconditional love (and they never spill my secrets) …. but, it just isn’t the same as the bonds women share with one another. I have two BFFs. B. is my age and we’ve been friends for over 40 years. We’ve had ups and downs, but have always managed to sort our differences and remain fast friends. I love B. like a sister. L. is my other BFF and she’s a good deal younger than me. We’ve been friends for 7 years and she’s like the little sister I never had. I feel so blessed to have these two wonderful women in my life, but one lives in another state and the other is overseas; I’m just so lonely a lot. I don’t know how to make friends and when i put myself out there, it feels like I’m in high school all over again. I’m simply amazed how mid-life adults still as if they’re still in high school. Am I trying to hard? Not enough? What’s wrong with me? And I tell myself it’s not me, it’s them, but either way it doesn’t get me more friends which is all I’m looking for. I’m encouraged to learn I’m not alone or pathetic for wanting friends .
Hi Rachel! I’m looking forward to reading your book with my book club. I chose your book as my selection because as new transplant to the South, I encountered the same thing.
Would you consider posting a list of discussion questions, based on the book, that I could use for my book club? Maybe 10 or so questions that could really garner some in-depth discussion about the book and female friendships as a whole. Our next meeting is in March.
Also, if anyone else has created any discussion questions about this book that could be used for a book club, please post here as well.
Thanks kindly.
Hellu!
I’ve just finished your book (loved it :).
I was really jazzed to see the books recommended section. Today, I had mentioned this list to a friend and offered to share it with her. Seeking out the back matter at Amazon, I got bupkas. However, I was able to get bib. info from Google Books. So, fwiw, your work is now web immortalized!
Cheers,
gina
Hellu!
I’ve just finished your book (loved it :).
I was really jazzed to see its books recommended section. Today, I had mentioned this list to a friend and offered to share it with her. Seeking out the back matter at Amazon, I got bupkas. However, I was able to get bib. info from Google Books. So, fwiw, your work is now web immortalized!
Cheers,
gina
I just scrolled through your comments, hoping to see one left from a woman in my area (Milwaukee.) When the kids were little, socializing was natural/daily. Now that they’re gone it’s different. Combine that with the fact I work at home and moved to a new area, and it’s a Seeking BFF situation! Thanks for the book and the blog. Well done.
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I can see you hear this a lot, but you are SPOT ON! I didn’t even have to move, but suddenly find I am in life circumstances where I’m without people to just call up and do stuff! Thanks for your blog! Looking forward to reading more over time.
I just finished reading your book; it was great! I will probably leaving my current city when I finish grad school this spring, so I will have to do a BFF (and BF!) search later this year.
I have to ask…how do you know when to give up on a potential friendship? I have study buddies from class, but I am always the one initiating out-of-class get togethers. And most of the time they never happen because they already have social lives/things going on (which I’m not invited to). Is it time to give up?
Hi there!
I wish I had a better answer to this question. The truth is I think it is different for everyone…for myself, I tried to be ok with making the first move the first three times. But once I’d invited someone somewhere three times and never got any reciprocation I usually decided to back off. But not always. I try to take it case by case. Trust your gut. If you feel like you’ve extended all the invitations and your studdy buddies don’t show an interest in ever reciprocating, then it might be time to move on.
I know that wasn’t the most helpful. Good luck!
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How have I now only discovered your blog? I hear ya, sister. Loud and clear in the suburbs of Washington, DC. I look forward to reading more!
I just heard about your book and blog, and your story is making me feel so much better! I recently moved from NYC to Boise to be with my formerly long distance boyfriend, and while everything else is falling into place, I miss my best friends in far away cities and find myself coming pretty close to sidling up to girls at bars and asking them out 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story!
I am about halfway through your book and as I was just sitting here in my car at my son’s track meet waiting for the time of his event (don’t want to go in and wait around alone as I don’t know any of the other parents), I decided to check out your website/blog. Although I grew up in a small town and had the same friends until I was 20, in married life we have moved every 2-5 years so no one in my house has a bff. Not me, my husband or our three teens. It has become the norm and I have given up the quest. Maybe someday we will live in a state (yeah, these were not just moves across town) long enough for us to have a circle of friends. Hey, as least you have networking with your friends of friends, etc.
Rachel I feel the same way!! I have lived in Chicago all my life and somehow I have lost all my friends. It seems like it is super hard to to find new ones in my 30’s!! Can you see if your new bff has a sister or cousin that I can hook up with!!? *pleading face*
My bff is leaving me for a different state. I am heartbroken. The past 10 years have been wonderful as our friendship has embraced me like a warm sweater. She lives right down the street, our kids are friends, and she is one of the three best friends I’ve ever had (sadly, they had to move away, too). Even our dogs are in love. I know she’ll make tons of new friends because she is very social. Being more on the shy side, I have other friends but no one who knows and loves me like she does. I feel like such a baby for being so sad: I have a happy marriage, a career and two beautiful children, but in terms of female friendships It is so hard to find “the one”. Thanks for acknowledging this.
Rachel,
Up front, I am a debutant to writing. My blogs: french60andmuchmore.blogspot.com (blogs on learning French) and learnfrencheveryday.blogspot.com (daily blogs from a student perspective) are based on my desire to learn French ASAP
I just completed reading your book, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and thought I’d add a few comments from the over 60 and female perspective.
Your definition of BFF at the beginning of the book made me think “I don’t have your background but I’d like to learn about it.” Almost all of my friends since high school had been male until I got married and found a group of women who were also starting families.
The truth is I did not enjoy high school and intentionally have not retained friendships from that era of my life. Why male platonic friends who are not gay? Because they were most likely to want to talk about ideas, school, and having adventurous outings; from their perspective I was an insight into the female mind and from me they could learn what it takes to learn to actually like women. Many of these guys never had a sister or life experience that allowed them to think of women as real people that weren’t just cute puppies running after them.
So congratulations on the book. More important, congratulations on your evolution and maturing over a year of seeking out best friends. What energy you must have! I am looking forward to reading a follow up book in a few years… maybe after you have children or have gone through some other life stages. Of course, finding the time to write in the middle of having a family is the challenge. I think my “mostly 60s-year old” book club would really enjoy reading “MWF seeking BFF” and perhaps have you Skype in with us. This would not be new to us… we have a member in India in our club. Hopefully, à bientôt
Hi Rachel
I just wanted to say this was a really great book and I throughly enjoyed reading it! I can really relate to so many of the stories. I recently moved to Minneapolis from the UK on my own and it is definately hard finding that friend (or group of friends) who you completely click with! So if anyone on here is living in Minneapolis and wants to meet up let me know! 🙂 .
Helen
Hey, I have just heard about your project and blog and book! Really interesting and exciting. I’ve ordered your book, and can hopefully read it in between horrible university work.
I should have taken a leaf out of your book when I moved to Belfast!
I want a pen pal… and I think I am going to have to take matters into MY own hands for that. All the sites are a bit creepy.
Looking forward to hearing more and delving into the archives,
good luck!
Fiona
I agree with your opinion. Moving to a new city is easy, finding real friends who are going to walk with you in life is a lot more difficult, especially if you are not in college anymore. A few years ago, I moved from Italy to California for work. As much as work in my field is really good here, the area is not really conducive to make new lasting friendship. Here everybody is on a time schedule, live a life at 1000 mph and yes to see a friend for dinner or coffee we must pull out our appointment book. My work takes me into people’s home (I am a designer), but once the work is finished, our friendly relationship is finished too. Fortunately my work keeps me busy, but I don’t hide the fact I have been seeking real friends that I have not found yet. Instead I have found only those I call “the good time friends” of which I have plenty. Those are here today and gone tomorrow and once they are gone, they won’t even remember who you were. Ciao.
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Rachel
i like your blog
it explains the need of the hour of lonely hearts
thank you for making all like minded people at a place
see ya
I know I’m extra late but I love your blog!! Now I just have to catch up on your posts!!
I just recently joined the salvation army Ohana(family) groups. This is an extension of their church which is non-denominational. While I am not a huge advocate for organized religion, I have found that what they do is really quite fascinating and instead of alot of preaching it’s more about doing and living in a more community oriented way. Anyways the Ohana groups meet once a week( outside of church) and the point is to try and create “authentic” relationships and connections. One of the key components is that we make a real effort to be open and break through the typical superficial relationships that you spoke about. It just began but I feel very good about the program and next week we will be having a pot luck at one of the members homes. Everybody brings food and we get to know each other on a more close and personal basis. It is a shame that as adults we need a structure to make lasting friendships but nevertheless it is a fact that to make real friends in places away from our home is difficult. It is difficult to build trust, and to be open. Again, I am not writing to promote the service, but I will say that it is a little easier to build trust in people who commit themselves to going to church. I feel like I can trust the people very easily. Hawaii is a little different though, the vast majority of people are caring and upstanding people, with good ethics and morals. I find coming from DC that the people here are, in general, more selfless and have a good sense of community. Aloha
Thanks for your article on tips on blogging. I am new to blogging and I seem to be having a problem getting people to go to my blog page. I started blogging last month to let people know about my new memoir HERE I STAND and the HERE I STAND Empowerment Tour I’m on. I even bought Blogging for Dummies, which I haven’t read yet. Still, you suggestions were greats and I’ll start using them to move me in the right direction.
I’m so pleased I found your blog! it seems I’m at that awkward age when high school friends have all but gone, and the few remaining friendships I have are slipping through my fingers. I can’t wait to follow this blog and read up on your journey. Maybe there’s hope for me yet, who knows I might find myself a new BFF!!! 🙂
I always told my friends that (straight) women always need two people in their lives, a man (lover) and a woman, the husband and female best friend. I always thought that was kinda funny and so common everywhere. I’m a lesbian and married to my wife. She is both in one package! Nothing like being with your BFF 24/7, whom would do anything on the whim with me, one that I could have great conversations on anything and also be my lover as well.
I found your blog at the perfect time. I just moved to Chicago exactly one week ago today. My boyfriend is still in Milwaukee and, until he moves here, I am on a search for a BFF, too. I’m hoping that I can start making some genuine friends as I meet more people. I look forward to reading your posts!
I am a bit confused. Are you still looking? Have you found anyone close in the time that your wrote your book and developed this blog? I think you could consider adding a bit more about how you ‘haven’t found her yet’ or have some ‘close calls’ to keep the status on the subject current and clear under your About section. Otherwise, I like the concept and content, just find myself wondering if this is designed purposely so that I must read all the posts to find out, and that kind of run-around is what would eliminate you on my potential BFF list.
As well, isn’t your husband your BFF? Or are you MWF seeking FBFF, but wanted to stay PC about it and keep the options open? I think with respect to your husband, you should include some details about why you need yet another BFF. To get out of the house?
“I am a married white female searching for a best friend forever” almost sounds like an oxymoron to me–like you didn’t marry a BFF. You married someone different, and are still looking for “the one”.
I don’t think that looking for a BFF means there’s anything wrong with a woman’s marriage. Although some guys love spending time with their wives doing the same things she enjoys (shopping, etc.), there are plenty of men who are GREAT guys but simply have different interests (I happen to be married to a guy like that. 🙂 ) Desiring a female buddy to hang out with at the mall from time to time or get a manicure with does NOT automatically indicate that a woman’s marriage is lacking anything. In fact, in many cultures (and our own country in the past), the need for women to connect with other women was met in a very natural way by women working side by side and interacting on a daily basis with sisters, sister-in-laws, aunts, cousins, etc. The way modern American families have become so spread out is a big part of the problem.
Oh how true this is. When you’re younger making friends is easier because there’s school, and other people’s friends, etc. I’m doing the same thing at 30, in Sydney. It’s hard because people are spread out, we have schedules, our own agendas, so many responsibilities. It is like penciling in an appointment. Keep writing, I love your blog!
I don’t understand many things about relationships, but there’s something that puzzles me. Why isn’t the person you’re married with your best friend forever?
It seems like a paradox, to be legally bound to a person to a lifetime, and still have such a void that only someone of your same sex can fill.
Rhetorical question: Why is it difficult to understand that everyone needs more people in their lives, not less? As for the sex differences: I have 3 brothers and no sisters. My life would have been improved by having a sister although I would not give up the relationships I have with my brothers. Brothers are not sisters. Husbands are not BFFs. Denying that there are differences between the sexes is so… last century. Clinging to the idea that one person will fulfill every need is unhealthy in the long term.
Maybe I didn’t make myself exactly clear. Of course you should have other friends because no two people are exactly the same. Some people need many friends, some do not. Okay.
I didn’t mean to imply that only one person should fulfill every need, but my question was more of, “Why is the person you’re married with not your best friend?” I mean, it’s the reason you’re married, right? At least, should it be?
You should have other friends because I realize the point you just made, but the person you’re married with should be at the highest of them all. If you find that you enjoy hanging out with someone else more often than your husband, then has something gone wrong in your relationship? That’s the point I’m trying to make. Thank you for your reply.
Excuse me for the length of this reply, but this topic is so important:
I don’t think a marriage is likely to last long if you aren’t really good friends. Marriage is far more complex, however, than anyone imagines when they make the commitment. Marriage eventually makes demands on both parties that rarely happen in friendship and if they do occur in a friendship you are now involved in a couples relationship.
A couples relationship will pretty much transform the old friendship as they are different regarding expectations on how to spend time together, decisions about long-term life goals, religious expections, financial implications on one’s behaviour, and the list goes on and on. After marrying a very long time friend, I found marriage to be so much better than I thought it would be. However, I also found that I still really needed female friends to share and confide with… which I admit was a surprise to me.
Some parts of our culture promote the idea that our true love should be “the highest of them all” as you phrase it. The trouble is, it can’t be the highest if there are no other significant relationships to compare it to. And then, often, comes baby. Which is the highest relationship?… the child or the spouse? These are discussions I do not recommend sharing with your spouse… what spouse could not be intimidated by these thoughts? But a best friend of the same sex in similar circumstances can give the psychological support that no one else can provide.
I think the fact that we are thinking about these issues is excellent. Women need to embrace the challenges of defining who they are in their world. Accepting the simplest of explanations on how to proceed through life could be the source of great pain in the future.
I see your point now. Because of the different responsibilities and mindsets required in marriage, both parties also require a sort of outlet, let’s say… An outlet in the form of a casual friendship without commitment, which is a BFF. In that case, I can totally understand.
To be honest, I’m a bit afraid of marriage because of all of these different responsibilities, but it is an important topic that we can only ignore for so long. Thank you for your time. 🙂
Great blog idea! The blog and book are definetly going to be on my must read list!
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I am so glad to have bump into this blog. It is refreshing to hear your story and how you came about blogging. Just by examing your tabs and reading about you in wordpress weekly I have gather so many ideas about my blog. Thanks for sharing.
I am pleased to discover your blog! To be honest i haven’t gone through your blog completely but it sounds interesting. My problem is quite similar , only difference that you are married , but i am unmarried and all my girl friends got married. so it makes situation more difficult to restart your search again to fill the voids!!
but i wish you good luck in your search.
Alos you’ve given me good idea and tips for my blog!
I’ve moved to six different countries in the last fifteen years, and I can completely relate to the challenge of finding that BFF or that indefinite hangout. I adore my lifer-friends and am grateful Skype exists now. I’m living in a town Belgium that doesn’t speak my native tongue- so I have quite a quest ahead of me. (any tips on how to make new quiet conservative non english speaking BFFs?) Thanks for sharing your experience. And congratulations on the book. That’s a tremendous and wonderful big deal!
Ironically, to combat the not having BFF problem, some of my long distance lifer friends started a group blog, where we all write about the stuff we would say if we could roadtrip together. It’s been such a great way to make new friends and keep our friendships current and deep. True we can’t paint our nails together or catch a movie, but I feel like my BFFs are (virtually) closer than ever. I noticed a lot of commenters here are new and finding their way- while we can’t actually come by for coffee, we would love visitors to comment and share their thoughts. So if you or anyone else is interested in making some new virtual BFFs, we’d love to have you. It’s our way of solving your quest. For now. Looking forward to sharing your site….http://mothersugar.wordpress.com/about-us/
I remember in pre-internet days I moved city for work and was desperately lonely, having left all my friends behind. There weren’t really many people at work that I clicked with and I found myself getting way too over-familiar with evening TV.
Then I stumbled on a little ‘personals’ ad in the paper for a girl around my age looking for new friends to hang out with. In those days, using the personals to find a partner was still seen as the last refuge of the truly desperate, with those who actually met that way concocting stories to cover it up.
But I answered that little ad and while I didn’t find any new BFFs, I did at least have the opportunity to go out and enjoy myself. Nowdays I’m happy to embrace dating sites (disastrous though that’s been personally for me) and sites like meetup.com.
Viva la internet! It’s awesome that what was once considered desperate is now considered mainstream.
Love your blog and whole concept – you deserve your success.
Cheers,
Patty
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I am only like a quarter of the way through the book, but if I lived in Chicago I totally would have been your friend! I am fluent in entertainment weekly.
Love love love the book! Had to come find the blog, and plan to follow!
I live in a VERY small town, but have the same problem making friends. It’s my hubby’s hometown (but FAR from mine), and though we’ve lived here for 5 years, I still have just a handful of friends (and none that really fit the BFF category).
Wondering if you — or others reading — have ideas for friend-finding the small town environment?
I was about to comment on this very same thing! I just moved to a small town in Georgia with my boyfriend (his hometown… I’m from Florida) about a month and a half ago and I’ve been struggling with the same problem… I have some good friends at work, but no one even close to the BFF (or even semi-BFF) status. Any help would be much appreciated!
Just to let you know how fabulous you are in reminding us to be brave in seeking new friendships, I have nominated you for the TMI Award: “And the TMI Award Goes To…” http://wp.me/p1ex8U-RO
I totally get what you mean! I’m glad I stumbled through this blog. Now off to find out how to find a BFF. I have a couple who still live in the same area – but would like to find more who I can hang out with, just like that. 🙂
I so identify with ur situation I also moved and cannot find any friends like the ones I had my husband say I repeat myself.
Just started reading your book! Love it! so many giggle-worthy moments. Congrats on your success! Although I’m sure this won’t mean much in the big scheme of things, I have nominated you for the Sunshine Award 🙂 Thanks for providing such an entertaining read! 🙂 Cheers from HK!
Thank you so much! I so appreciate you reading MWF –and the nomination!
I LOVE your blog – I feel as if you have taken my thoughts and put them into words! I started a blog, “brideseyeview, blogging from a bride-to-be” (brideseyeview.wordpress.com) as a way to connect with people because I wasn’t connecting with my world in NYC as most of my friends were single and my friends outside of NYC were the ones married. I have my best friends all over from camp, from elementary, middle school and high school and a few after then. It seems like a connection to home or to camp makes me feel the most “connected” to a friend. It amazes me how hard it is to make friends as an adult, even for an extrovert like me. I think it boils down to the same thing as finding a guy – it has to be the right person you jive with…I love my friends to pieces and just want one in my building or down the street!
Rachel, I am reading your book right now and absolutely love it. This afternoon I realized you probably still have a blog and I am so happy I found this! Your writing is very fun to read and the book really speaks to me because as I grow older, it really is more difficult to find that group of friends and that one person you most connect with as everyone starts moving around. Thanks for tackling what is thought to be a difficult topic and taking one for the team!
i just sumbled across your fabulous blog. and now i discover there is a book too! i hope i can learn from your experiences as i try to have a local bff as well. for the moment, i am stuck pretending anderson cooper is my bff. i write him letters. good luck and thanks for paving the way!
~k
Well, you are doing way better than me, at least you have true friends somewhere… I have never had a real friend that I know of. In high school I was class president, homecoming queen and captain of the cheerleading squad but hung out with my parents on the weekends. The same holds true today and i am 30 years old! I am a nice person and some people like me but apparently no one really relates to me, or I dot relate to them or something? I have a few people to hang out with from time to time but no real connection. My husband is my only real friend I have ever had… It is very very very sad, I don’t know what is wrong with me.
Wow, this is exactly what I needed! I came to New York City this summer for an internship, and when I’m not in the office, I’m exploring the city alone! It gets lonely when you’re in such a populated city yet knowing no one! Can’t wait to read all of your posts.
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Just finished MWF and loved it. I’m 56 and have no friends. I’ve lived in 3 states and 6 cities and after a while making friends was exhausting. Luckily I have a great husband, love to read and am still in touch with high school friends long distance. Still would love to have that “Hey let’s go get lunch” buddy.
Dorie: Hey,
I’ll go to lunch with you. I wonder if we live close to each other enough to do that? I”m 61 with a similar profile on the moving.
Suzan
Rachel Bertsche, Are you an I Love Lucy fan? I don’t know if you’ve already discovered this, but I just saw this episode yesterday (Lucy and Ethel sing a friendship song), and I thought of you! It’s great! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbo4OYSLTdI
Love your blog…wanted to do same for almost the very same reasons…slight difference/ reasons different location and stumbling upon this has inspired me that I’m not crazy wanting to go on such a quest….
Love love love eeet…absolutely love your posts and direction…If you need a bff in the Caribbean….I’m here
I have nominated you for the Sister Of World Bloggers Award. Please go to my blog http://myhappydance.wordpress.com/2012/06/18/sisterhood-of-the-world-blogger-award/ to get information to add your award to your blog. 🙂
My BFF or one of 10 of us thathave been friends since 1st Grade moved to chicago Three years ago. She struggles with your struggle everyday. She is an attorney an I think you gals should meet! She’s love a last minute pedi and hey – just dont steal her from us!
Yay! I live in Chicago, too 🙂 I agree that it’s difficult to find a great friend to hang out with in a moments notice. I have a lot of great friends in the city, but (as I’m sure you know), taking the L to see each other can end up eating a hour of our time!
I can easily relate to this.
When I was 6, my mom and I moved to Europe and until I moved back to Philly in 2007, I lived in 3 different countries, so I’m very used to making friends and then having to say goodbye. Some of my closest friends lives thousands of miles away and since graduating from university 2 years ago, the person I do the most socializing with is my boyfriend (we live together).
I also miss being able to just call a girlfriend up and enjoy some conversation and fun.
I can really relate to this…all my friends live elsewhere and I just moved to a new city. I really wish I had one or two close girlfriends to hang out with! Any suggestions on how to meet people?
I know how you feel. I am also in search of that type of friend.
I can completely Identify with how you feel. Im a 31 year old guy who somehow missed the whole “how to make lifelong friendship” memo. Partly for all the moving I did during my younger years. Nevertheless, like you, I too am looking for that “Man in my life” with no homo lol.
Wow! Reading this reminds me to be grateful for my BFF. We met in Primary School, and are now in our late 20s, and the thing I like about our friendship is that we always have time for one-another. You know? We can be like “oh what are you doing today? Wanna hang out?” and the other person will say “yep, be there in 15 minutes”, or whatever. Every time I go over for a chat, it will always start with a coffee on the couch and end 6 hours later once we have chatted about anything and everything! One of us will be “oh – it’s midnight” “- “okay, better go home!”. We never argue or bicker, we are supportive of one another 100% and most importantly – we are never TOO BUSY or TOO GOOD for one another. You know those friends who are just TOO GOOD for you? Like, “oh, I have to get back to my perfect husband and immaculately dressed children” ah yeah okay weirdo! Well my BFF and I don’t have to put on airs and graces or pretend that life is perfect, because we find friendship in the places where it is not perfect, that is where our friendship shines anyway.
I really hope you find a friend like that! I can honestly say that this girl for me, is the best thing I have going for me hands-down out of anything or anyone in my life.
If I only lived closer to you!
Hi, I just stumbled upon your blog. I am seeking BFF, too. I moved to a new city three years ago and since then I’ve been completely isolated, I live alone. But it’s so depressingly hard.
Love this concept and love your blog! I hope you’re finding a good BFF in Chicago; I’m looking for one in Paris (mine are all in SF, New York, North Carolina) and know it’s a tough gig. Courage, as they say over here!
I feel your pain — I left behind my best friends 17 years ago when I moved from Nova Scotia to Toronto, and then left the friends I’d finally made in Toronto behind when I moved to Ottawa. I used to be able to make my self cry by thinking that everyone who loved me was a long-distance call (and at least a two-hour flight) away. I remember being a little heartbroken by a Seinfeld episode in which someone said that you’ll rarely make new friends after the age of 30 — not entirely true, but an element of truth there. I feel a little like I’m “cheating on” the old friends when I make new ones, which only adds to my already aloof, far-too-satisfied-with-my-own-company nature. But deep inside I’d love to have a friend I could just call on the spur of the moment to do something fun. I’ll have to keep reading, pick up some tips about how to find one.
Have you discovered that extreme height differences among friends makes it hard to “hang out”? I’m 6 ft. tall-no shoes, and all my girl friends I click with are 5’2ish. so hangin’ out, we look like mutt and jeff. I don’t think about it, but maybe they do? I’d love to meet another 6′ girl friend and we could share shoe websites, etc. etc. lament about shirts with sleeves too short, and Tall pants that are TOO tall…seriously?
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You had me at Biggest Loser. I have also lived in Chicago for the past 3 years, and my best friends are in the suburbs so I understand how lonely the city can be. Even though I have boyfriend here at home with me, he never seems to appreciate The Finale Episode the way a girl would. Plus there’s that whole making friends thing that is just so gosh darn hard to do with girls. I feel so intimidated by other women! (Especially here in the city where it’s easy to feel like everyone is constantly ahead of you socially, economically, etc.)
I’m super excited to have found your blog, and cannot wait to read all about your adventure!!
Best of luck,
Mimi
Yup, this would be me!! Just moved to Chicago suburbs about 4 months ago and have zero friends ugh…moved here with my boyfriend for his new job so he’s new to the area too and doesn’t really know anybody. As much as I like hanging out with my boyfriend, doing everything with him is getting old fast! I would love to move into the city as I feel it would be a more social scene, the ‘burbs isn’t exactly the best or easiest place to meet young, professional singles. I’ve moved before, by myself, to another state where I knew no one but since I was single then I was more into going out and lucked out by meeting a ton of new friends at work. I also had good luck by using the ‘Strictly Platonic’ section of Craigslist, I meet 2 of my best friends that are still 2 of my closest friends to this day that way. I think it would be great if this site maybe set up a sort of classified section like Craigslist or maybe do meetups once a month or so (if there is something like this already on this blog please forgive me – I was so happy to hear from people like me after reading this intro page I immediately posted this before looking around the site). If anyone else is new to the Chicago area (city or ‘burbs) and wants to chat feel free to contact me!
hi i am black female looking for a white female best friend, that have a sense of humour and not judgemental.
Your blog is an inspiration to me. What a great concept!
Love this idea, shame that I’m all the way in London! I love omelettes and indeed, I’m just about to make one! I also partake in a pedicure every now and again. If you’re ever in London. Will now enjoy reading the rest of your blog. Nice to virtually meet you. Ava
Thanks Ava! Enjoy your omelette!
I just got done reading your book, which was super timely as I just moved to a new city. I’ve actually done that tons of times and have made great friends each time – but this time things are different. For one – we just moved to follow my husband’s career (instead of mine or for school), two – I’ve got kids this time, and three – I’m in my 40s AND I don’t have a job. Reading your book helped me feel a little better – and gave me some great ideas on how to meet new people. Thanks for naming how difficult it can be to find new friends, especially BFFs!
Hey Joel I didn’t know it was bring your kids to the pool day! (I know we are dorks) but how funny that was sort of a picture of thigns to come! And yes you and your sister make some pretty cute little kiddos!
I love your blog. The concept of it hits close to home for me. People think once you are married your husband becomes your BFF. That isn’t true. I also relocated after marriage and have not had a close female friend in a long time. Marriage and kids and working full time takes away from the spontaneity of going for a pedicure in half an hour on a Saturday. I look forward to reading your book. I wish you the best in your search for your BFF 🙂
Thanks so much!I hope you enjoy the book! And yes, it’s hard to make new friends when we’re so busy with all the life stuff, but it’s possible!
Rachel, when I first picked up your book I didn’t realize it was non-fiction. I thoroughly enjoyed it and am trying (desperately?) to make friends. Everyone says making friends is easy when you have kids. I have 2 and the oldest is 9 and I witness other women’s friendships but struggle with my own. I am going to try the book club route and start my own with a few acquaintances. Gotta start somewhere, right? Any suggestions for a book club website or blog? Hope all is well in Chicago and you’re continuing to have fun!
A book club is a great idea! I’m not sure what kind of book club website you are looking for, but BookclubCookbook.com is a great site that has book recommendations, guest author blogs and recipes to serve at your book club with your books. Publisher’s websites or author blogs (like this one!) often have reading group guides for whatever you are reading!
I so understand this! I moved to Oklahoma about a year ago and discovered nearly everyone was married and, oy vey, do these women not separate from their men. I am thankful to have met a few good solid (single and married) females that I have the “pedicure in a half hr?” friendship with but it was tough at first. Thanks for sharing!
Wow. This couldn’t have come at a more perfect time! I too am on a search for my BFF. All of my closest friends live in Wisconsin where I resided before North Dakota. I have since lost touch with them, and I no longer feel connected. I thought I had met an amazing friend here in ND, but after our first falling out (in over a year of friendship) she walked away. Now we talk occasionally but mostly when she needs something. I miss the “pedicure in a half hr?” days. Le sigh…
so pure, so intense. sometimes, such quests continue for long, and suddenly you strike GOLD 🙂 bests and cheers
Have you seen this? http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/10/primetimes-a-changin.html
Thought it could be a research post.
I just finished reading your book and loved it. I have moved four times since college and each time making friends has become harder and harder. Last year I went through a divorce and low and behold – I lost half my friends! I was so inspired by your book I decided to create a meetup in Chandler, Arizona called Circle of Friends to connect with more women in my immediate area. I am not sure I have time for 52 first dates like you – but a meetup group 2 times a month is a good place to start :).
That’s so great! What a smart idea… good luck!
And thanks for reading MWF Seeking BFF!
Hi Rachel, I stumbled upon your book. I was recommended this other book – “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin and when I downloaded it on my Kindle, yours came up as a recommendation also. It resonated with me right away and I loved reading all the stories of the dates. I told quite a few of my friends about your book and what you were doing. I think its really brave of you. And I totally get what you intimate – that its easy to have lots of people to have lunch with etc, but not so easy to find those few close people that you can just be yourself with, or have a cry about if you have a fight with your husband, or talk and not have to censor what you say at all. I’ve moved cities three times in my life, and felt the void of not having a BFF in the new city after 6 months, or even after a couple of years. I have just moved again (yesterday in fact!), this time to Perth, Australia, where I had lived previously 11 years ago. So I am planning on re-kindling some old friendships and also making some new ones. A friend told me about InterNations and I’m going along to an event on Wednesday to meet some new people there! Good luck with the rest of your friend-making! 🙂
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Hi Rachel, I love your blog and have just received your book. I nominated you for the reality blog award. I hope you will accept. Here is your link.
http://thecagedbirdstillsings.wordpress.com/2012/12/17/thank-you-for-your-support/
Just found your blog through thecagedbirdstillsings – I love the inspiration behind it. All my BFFs are, like yours, in different parts of the world, most in different countries, and I would love to find a BFF who was physically present! Look forward to reading more on your blog and checking out your book!
It seems I am not alone in this quest! I have recently moved to Johannesburg, South Africa and my best are scattered all over the world from Switzerland to Delhi, Abu Dhabi and Mumbai! Luckily my husband (and best friend) is here with me, but it is never the same without your girl friends!!! I have not read much on your blog yet, but I know when I am out for that coffee with just my ipad, I will be reading this to make me feel better 🙂
Just nominated you for the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award”. Happy 2013! 🙂
http://louisencrepes.wordpress.com/2013/01/02/very-inspiring-blogger-award/
Hi 😉 I have just nominated you for the ”Sisterhood of the World Bloggers award ” Its my latest post. x
Oh my gosh! This is one awesome blog! I feel the same way… My whole clan is overseas and my hubby’s family is in California while we’re over here in the East Coast. Plus, my husband works for the navy so we’re always moving every several years. It is hard enough to find a true friend these days and it’s harder for somebody like me who has a different culture, etc. I feel like a complete stranger everywhere. But I just wanna say, all the best! Good luck! 🙂
I stumbled upon this blog looking under a google search, “How to find a BFF.” I have a wonderful like with a loving husband and three great boys, but I haven’t had a BFF for over 20 years. I am so glad to know other people feel the same as I do. 🙂
Dear Rachel, I have just finished your book. I love the approachable, honest, open style in which you write. It is no mystery why you have had so much success in the field. Having never heard of you or your book, I bought it at B&N yesterday and couldn’t put it down. I think your creative and thoughtful approach to the issue of needing and finding BFFs is truly unique and hopefully capable of duplication. Thank you for the inspiration. I am going to implement some of your great ideas. BTW, not sure of the etiquette of recommending new potential BFFs (you did however teach me a lot about texting versus calling!), you probably have your Dunbar circle more than filled at this point, but I have a 24 year old daughter in Chicago that I think might be a fabulous candidate for yet another BFF!! Let me know if you want her email address. Fondly, Ann
Hi! I am a 55 year old mother if three who has just lost my BFF to breast cancer about a month ago. She was the total package as a BFF and unfortunately I was under the illusion that this relationship would last forever. I loved her and she loved me. We had each others backs. I had a few other friends but they were new and just at the early stages. I have found this search to be extremely difficult because women my age have so many opinions and judgments that just on one point can make a BFF possibility go down the tubes. I sooooo miss my BFF and its gonna take years to ever get what I had again, if I ever get that again. I live in upstate NY and not only am I grieving her passing, but my Dad passed 2 weeks ago. Normally she’d be the one to call and help me through this. Wish this process was faster, like going to the market and picking one out. Uggghhhh.
Hi Rita,
I’m nearly 54 and a mom of 2. Please let me express my most sincere regrets on your recent losses. My dad passed nearly 10 years ago (Mum 12 1/2 years), and I still miss them. Someone told me years ago that life doesn’t get easier. It just gets different. My husband decided to move us back to his country of origin 2 years ago. I never got the chance to say bye to my BFF. She’s still in the States, and I occasionally hear from her. Emails don’t quite cut it though. Because the culture here is so different, people don’t understand me, and are very much against foreigners living here. As a result, there is nearly no hope of forging new relationships or getting a job. Once the dog is gone I’ll have no one to talk to during the day and most evenings. But I hope you’re able to find another friend. Someone that resonates differently than your other dear friend. I believe you’re right, it may take years to cultivate. But a good friend is always worth the travel time. Makes the journey worthwhile.
Thanks Debra. It’s nice to receive your kind message. Hope your search for a BFF goes well and don’t loose hope where you live now. There is kindness in all of us. Open your heart to others, be kind, give of yourself, be happy and forgiving and it won’t matter where you come from, these qualities will shine through and aid you in your search. Thanks again and good luck.
I can relate. I moved country about a year ago, and am still hoping to meet a kindred soul who also finds criticising Dr Phil entertaining on a Saturday afternoon or doesn’t find having two consecutive servings of anything weird.
I am in the a similar situation in my life where I am in my early 40’s and really want to find my BFF. I have had a few over the years but unfortunately those relationships changed, people change, divorce happens and you find yourself years later yearning for the connection like you did before. I have a lot of friends to hang out with and meet up with but not a true BFF. I have been very luck in love but not in the BFF part so I am thankful for at least that. Will be ordering the book today! Looks like a great read.
Hi Rachel. Just got your book and can’t wait to see what advice you give and learn all about your adventures. I had one bff when I was younger and we stayed friends all through school, but she died shortly after her 21st birthday. Since then, I just can’t find anyone I can be close to like her. I’m 42, getting married for the 2nd time next month and starting a new job as well. I’ve tried a lot of “friendship” sites only to be disappointed. I’m not finding anyone from my town or close by are on any of these sites, looking for friends as well. I tried the Sisterchicks site and I did make one great friend but unfortunately she lived 2 hours away and the distance took it’s toll on us. Outside of family…. I have 1 co-worker I consider a friend but that’s it. (Unless you count my Black Lab too). Anywho….. would love to find a site that allows people to search for potential friends in their home town, and actually find some. If you decide to start something like that…. sign me up!
Hi again, Rachel! It’s me, Mother Hen… just letting you know I have nominated you for a string of 3 awards (you may already have some of them, I don’t know) – feel free to accept any or all of them (or not) – it’s up to you, really. I have included links to your blog from my post in any case. I totally understand if you are too busy/overwhelmed/bored/can’t be bothered to share the love forward, but I figure cross-promotion and the possibility of new traffic to your site can’t be a bad thing in any case. But if you don’t want to, that’s perfectly fine… no offense taken, and I surely hope none given!
Here’s the link… have fun! http://motherhendiaries.wordpress.com/2014/04/22/you-mean-people-actually-read-this-stuff/
Mother Hen
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You should read the comments on your recent article about the USWNT World Cup win posted on Yahoo. I think you’re eyes will open to the negative responses about how you felt the models outfits were inappropriate. As an accomplished writer, I’m shocked you’d stoop to tabloid drama to attract readers.
I have a 10 yr old daughter and she did not even notice the models attire. She was focused on the players, the medals, and the Cup.