I’m leaving tomorrow to fly to Philly for a wedding. And next weekend to Cleveland. And two weekends ago to Colorado. And two weeks from now I’ll celebrate a friend’s nuptials here in Chicago.
It’s wedding season, and it slows down for no one.
I read an interesting editorial recently that asked the question, “What is it about friends getting hitched that leaves us so unhinged?”
The author Maggie Shipstead writes:
I’m 29, squarely in the middle of that heady span of years when the tempo driving the game of conjugal musical chairs has suddenly accelerated and summer weekends are spent zipping around the country watching friend after friend tie the knot. There is something numbing about all this marrying. The thrill of the first friends’ weddings, when everybody was young and lifelong commitment seemed wild and transgressive, has worn off, and a jaded peanut gallery has sprung up: guests with finicky expertise on food and venues and fine points of policy, like whether bridesmaids should wear matching dresses or whether there should be bridesmaids at all.
I’ll admit, I love weddings. I must, or I wouldn’t attend so many. (Anyone who has seen me commit to the dance floor knows how much I enjoy myself.)
But I know there are people who don’t. People who find them depressing (“half of these will end in divorce!“) or obnoxious (“Another speech? Really?“) or just plain boring. And I know there are some women who only half-mean it when they congratulate another friend on an engagement. Sometimes it’s because one side is jealous. Remember this perfect scene from Friends?
Rachel: Isn’t it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin’ married.
Phoebe: I know, they’re gonna be so happy together.
Rachel: Ohh… I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen?
Phoebe: Not that often!
Rachel: No! I’m so happy for them!
Phoebe: Me too! So happy for them!
Rachel: I’m so happy and not at all jealous.
Phoebe: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous!
Rachel: I mean I’m probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what’s 2%? That’s nothing.
Phoebe: Totally. I’m like 90/10.
Rachel: Yeah me too.
Other times it’s because friends suspect that the marriage might be the end of the friendship. According to Sandy Malone, author of the June Huffington Post story “Why Getting Married Means You Might Lose Some Friends,” “most of the women I know who have been married for five or more years aren’t friends with at least half of the people featured in the pics on their walls, including me.”
Harsh.
There are a zillion reasons why friends getting married stirs up emotion . Just google “friends getting married” and you’ll find all sorts of help for the emotional roller coaster BFF nuptials can send you on. Man, friendship is so complicated.
How do you feel when you hear a friend is getting married? Happy? Sad? Jealous? Regretful?
MWF Seeking BFF 
Well, either married or just in a relationship. Sometimes that means that I lose them. I’ve lost my two closest friends when they got into relationship with guys that aren’t that awesome. I don’t know what it is about getting a boyfriend that means you need to forget all of your friends. I guess I like balance too much to let that wreck my friendships. I don’t know why we accept that as okay either. I don’t think it’s okay for someone to completely forget her friends when she has a boy. That’s just not cool. And I’ve chatted with one too many girls who thinks it’s okay to be treated like crap by friends in relationships. I don’t tolerate that from anyone. And some people don’t like me because of that. However, on the flip-side, my current best friends are all either married or in committed relationships and it’s okay. We all understand that we need friend time separate from boy time. They are into the whole balance thing like I am and we understand each other. Granted, it’s only been a little over a year like that, but we’re making it work and we’re keeping in touch, even being several hours away from each other. I think it all depends on the people and finding the people who value the same things you do. I hope my friendships will continue past the 5 year mark and beyond. I’d like to believe so. I think we all have good heads and great hearts. And that’s hard to come by 🙂
awesome post as I steel myself for another wedding to attend 🙂
I LOVE WEDDINGS! We went to two weddings in July and heading to another next weekend (and yet another in the fall). And we have weddings already on the books for 2013 and 2014. All of them out of town and a significant plane ride away.
I was the first of my friends to get married by about two years, so I never really experienced the whole jealousy thing. Also, I don’t think the marriage had as much of an effect on my friendships as my frequent moves and relocations both before and after the wedding. By the time I got married, it had been several years since I lived in the same state as my best friends. Later, when we lived a one-hour-plane-ride away, I’d have girls weekends 2-3 times a year. Since we live across the country now, it’s been less frequent, but when we go home I make sure to see all my closest friends, even if it means driving a few hours just for dinner. Sometimes the husband comes with, sometimes he doesn’t.
The biggest effect marriage had on friendships was my friendships with single guys. Before I got married (even through dating and engagement), some of my best friends were single (straight) guys. Geography played a huge role, but those friendships fizzled out pretty quickly. It’s not that I eradicated all single guy friends from my life (I still have them wherever I go, and usually they’re friends with my husband, too), but those old friendships totally got lost in the fray.
Im the first of my friends to get married and I can’t wait for more of them to join me!
I was happy for my friend, but felt like I was loosing her. Ten years later, It’s true it’s not the same as it was before but we’re still friends but I’ve met new people throughout the years that have enriched my life.
I’m 25 and just beginning the long years ahead of everyone getting married and it terrifies me. I’m happy for my friends when they find a great guy who makes them happy, as I’ve been there for all the terrible ones who made them cry. But I feel like it is almost an inescapable thing to lose your friends once they get married, and even worse when they have kids. I’m happy to go to every one’s wedding and celebrate love with them, but after the wedding is over, I’m secretly disappointed because I know things will never be the same.
I just got married, about 11 months ago and I find that a few of my friendships have totally changed. I had two of my best friends really pull back from me and now I feel see me in a different light. I barely consider us friends anymore and it breaks my heart. One told me she thought everything would be different now and I am going to change. I feel like I haven’t changed, but they just view me as the “old married broad” now and I can’t seem to shake it. It really hurt my feelings that two of my closest friends for ten years would cast me aside just because I was married. I know a part of it is jealousy and they wish they had their special someone but i shouldn’t be punished for having mine! I am 27 so I know a few of my friends are worried they won’t ever find someone but I tell them we are young! It just sucks that I have very few married friends. My single friends don’t quite understand how I never see my husband and I pencil in most of my time with him but I will always make room for my friends and make plans. I don’t really know what to do with my two close friends anymore that now treat me different because I am married. Any advice? To me the friendships are worth saving but I don’t know if it is to them.