Monthly Archives: May 2012

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“There’s a simple rule of thumb: Every ten minutes of commuting results in ten per cent fewer social connections. Commuting is connected to social isolation, which causes unhappiness.” (The New Yorker, “There and Back Again,” 4/16/2007)

For the last three weeks, I worked a temp gig that involved an hour and fifteen minute commute both ways. Two and a half hours in the car meant a lot of solo time. It’s pretty lonely business. (Many thanks to Ira Glass for keeping me company during the rides! Mr. Glass and his This American Life gang made the trafficky drive almost enjoyable.)

I wasn’t surprised to find research that supported the idea that commuting is isolating. I was, however, suprised at how extreme that research is. Ten percent fewer social connections for every ten minutes is no joke. This research comes from Robert Putnam, Harvard political scientist and author of Bowling Alone, “about the disintegration of American civic life.”

I can’t imagine the commute had that kind of effect on me, because I only did it for three weeks. But I have plenty of friends with a long daily drive who’ve been at it for seven years. The funny thing is that the two people I can think of off the bat who have super-long commutes are actually two of the people I know with the most friends ever. They are super social. Either they defy statistics, or they would really be the most social people I’ve ever met if they didn’t commute.

Plenty of people enjoy having some commute time — you can read, talk on the phone, listen to music, have a minute of alone time before the chaos of the day begins. For that, I think public transportation is probably better than driving, though the article says some drivers love the freedom to come and go as they please, rather than relying on a train or bus schedule.  But still, says The New Yorker, “the driver’s seat is a lonely place. People tend to behave in their cars as though they are alone in a room. Road rage is one symptom of this; on the street or on the train, people don’t generally walk around calling each other assholes. Howard Stern is another; you can listen to lewd evocations without feeling as though you were pushing the bounds of the social contract. You could drive to work without your pants on, and no one would know.”

There is something very alone-seeming about being in the car. People can see you, of course, but it still seems so private. A blessing and a curse. For me, for those three weeks, it didn’t just make me feel alone because I spent 2.5 hours in the car. It was also that by the time I got home at night, it was late, I was pooped, and I had less energy to go out. Thus taking away even more time I would normally spend with pals.

For those of you with long commutes, I highly recommend this read. It’s got some extremely interesting info. And in the meantime, chime in. Does your commute make you lonely? Do you think you’d have more friends if you spent less time hauling yourself to and from work?

Happy Memorial Day! For your holiday viewing pleasure, I bring you this video. Which is amazing. And I’m really really upset that I’m not BFFs with them so that I could have been a part of it.

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“According to [100-year-old] doctrine, humans and most animal species show the ‘fight-or-flight’ response to stress. Only since the late 1990s have some scientists begun to argue that women show an alternate “tend-and-befriend” response to stress …. Men, in contrast, were still assumed to become aggressive under stress. [Researchers have] refuted this assumption, saying: ‘Apparently men also show social approach behavior as a direct consequence of stress.'” (“Stressed Men Are More Social” ; ScienceDaily.com,  5/21/2012)

This is so not me. When I am stressed I curl up into a ball on the bed or, in extreme cases, on the floor. The latter usually prompts Matt to declare something like “Oh no! We have a floor situation!” as I hug the ground. Stress makes me tired, and even more inclined to zone out in front of the TV, pretending for as long as I can that the stressors on my to-do list don’t actually exist.

It’s not the most productive coping mechanism but it does the trick.

According to this research, most women deal by becoming protective and “friendship-offering.” Men, too. Basically, we are nicer, and more pro-social, when our plates are full. Is that because we are trying to put off our stress by socializing? Or because we all cope with stress better when we can talk it out with others? Maybe the company of others just makes the supposed weight of the world on our shoulders not so, well, weighty?

The researchers who did this study say it has big-time consequences: “From previous studies in our laboratory, we already knew that positive social contact with a trusted individual before a stressful situation reduces the stress response. Apparently, this coping strategy is anchored so strongly that people can also change their stress responses during or immediately after the stress through positive social behavior,” said study co-author Markus Heinrichs.

So, the lesson: If you know you are about to go into a stressful situation, have lunch with a friend first. This will help reduce your “stress response” to the situation. Translation: You might actually remain calm. If a preventative lunch isn’t an option, meet with your friend as soon as possible after the stress-inducing event. You’ll be looking for some friend-time, and your stress levels will thank you.

And next time your husband tells you he’s too stressed for a couple-date, show him this research. And tell him he’s been Friended. (Doesn’t quite have the same ring as “lawyered!” but it’ll do.)

Do you feel more social when you are stressed out? Does stress make the men in your life more social?

Last night I made an airplane friend! A legit, now-I-know-your-name-and-will-address-you-as-such-in-the-neighborhood airplane friend. Granted he is 52, and probably not BFF material, but he’s someone I didn’t know yesterday and I do today. So that’s something.

What’s funny is that we sat next to each other for a three-hour flight, which was really closer to four considering we sat on the plane for 45 minutes after landing while the flight crew searched down the gate agent to open the airplane door, and we didn’t speak a word the whole time. I was too busy watching the man and woman in the row ahead of us get acquainted, them exchanging life stories and me eavesdropping to see if they would just trade phone numbers already.

It was only after we deplaned, and my husband and I noticed how offensively long the cab line was, that we started talking to our plane neighbor. He too was horrified by the cab line. When he saw our faces, and how quickly we made a u-turn, he asked if we were thinking of taking the train.

We were.

Where do you live? he asked.

Lincoln Park. Near DePaul.

He mentioned his cross streets and, wouldn’t you know it, we are next door neighbors! One block apart! So the three of us took the train together, chatting about work and the neighborhood and NATO. His name was David, we learned, and we offered him a ride home from the train station.

And now we are neighbor pals. Count on delayed flights and backed up cab lines to bring people together.

So at least one relationship took off in those friendly skies. I’ll confess to you that I got all Harriet-the-Spy on the couple in front of me to see if love was blooming, and sadly they parted ways as soon as she got to the airport restroom. Such a bummer.

It seems everyone has gotten to know a neighbor in the most unlikely of places. What about you?

I have an airport ritual: I always buy and read one magazine that I’ve never read before. As a journalist, I figure it helps me stay abreast of what’s out there, and as a reader, it opens my eyes to articles and stories I might never otherwise know about. A couple of days ago, while waiting to board a flight to Florida, I picked up Town & Country. I’ll admit, being the summer camp junkie that  I am, I was intrigued by the cover story “America’s Summer Camp Revival.” And T&C fit the airport bill. I’ve never picked up a copy before, likely because it’s geared toward more socialitey and classy folks than I.

Anyway, I got a kick out of an article in the magazine’s “Social Graces” column, entitled “Rich You, Poor Me.” Here’s the dek: “When friendships span socioeconomic divides, the possible pitfalls are many. And they must be navigated with care.” I’ve written about this topic before. Friend dating, while great for the social life, can be hard on the wallet, and there’s nothing more frustrating than going to a meal with friends and being asked to fork over $100 for the bill when you don’t drink because your friends decided to splurge on bubbly. But it’s also rough when friends know you’re trying to save cash and simply don’t invite you places. It’s not fair to get penalized because you can’t afford another expensive night on the town.

The reason I was so interested in the T&C article is that, given its readership, the column approaches the story from the opposite side of the fence. My blog post was about what to do when you want to hang with friends but can’t necessarily spend spend spend. T&C writer Henry Alford writes what to do when, basically, you’re rich but your friends aren’t. I guess the people reading this magazine aren’t shy about spending on a meal or two.

Here’s his advice: “First, offers of birthday celebrations not withstanding, it’s best if we don’t make an exception of the impecunious person. If your weekend in the country includes a glamorous balloon trip that will set each person back $500, then it’s lovely if you yourself (or some other member of the party) hang back with Mr. Cash-Strapped so that, come sunset, he isn’t the only tiny ant on the landscape. Second, we can reduce most financial awkwardness if we take an ironic or comic approach to the fanciness of the occasion in question. ‘Of course, we all need to go horseback riding and wear the inn’s collection of top hats: We’re practicing for our Currier and Ives portrait.’ ‘I think it’s absolutely imperative that we each rent our own beach cabana–you never know what you might pick up from someone else’s shade.'”

Alford does, actually, make some recommendations if you are the “relatively poor” amongst your friends. “It’s probably valid and useful to speak candidly and tell people you’re on a budget, or that vintage Lamborghini rentals are beyond your reach. But the trick is to do so without sounding like Al Gore a plastics convention. Self-deprecation is a welcome addition here: ‘That sounds lovely, but I think I better say no. I’ve been feeling a little Dorothea Lange recently, and I’m really trying to hone my grimness.'”

Besides that fact that I had to look up 90% of the references in these excerpts, I find the tone of the whole piece sort of hilarious. Clearly I am not the Fabulous that this magazine is catering to.

But it still brings up an important question: If you know you’re in better financial shape than your friends, how do you avoid potential awkwardness?

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“According to the study, two fifths [of women] admitted to needing their friend’s approval [in a romantic relationship,] whilst 12% would even end a relationship if their pals didn’t approve.” (“Tenth of Women Would Dump Boyfriend if Friends ‘Didn’t Approve'” ; Female First 5/10/2012)

I don’t know that I’ve ever seen any of these twelve percent in action. I’ve seen friendships end when a pal doesn’t approve of a romantic interest, but never the other way around.

I know there are some women who might not pursue a guy that her BFF doesn’t approve of. And if a bestie revealed that a guy was cheating or some such horribleness, I’d like to think the pal would act on that information and end things. But I’ve never seen a friend say, “You know what my darling friend, that guy you’re dating is a jerk and you should dump his sorry ass,” and have it end in anything other than a girl fight.

The study, which was conducted by the double dating site Date With a Mate, surveyed 1,193 women across the UK — so it’s possible that this kind of “sisters over misters” (yeah, I said it) is more common across the pond. But I doubt it.

Here are some more numbers to come out of the research:

• When asked if they needed their friends approval when they started dating a new person, more than two fifths, 42%, of respondents answered ‘yes’. (This seems more accurate. We’re more interested in our friends’ opinions before we fall for someone.)
•  Only 8% of the respondents said that they would end a new relationship if their mother didn’t approve. (I guess moms aren’t the same as BFFs after all.)
• 14% of respondents said a friendship has ended after a friend didn’t approve of the partner.
•  89% of respondents said it was important that their friends ‘approved’ of their new relationship. But only 59% of the respondents said that they believed it was important that their new partner’s friends like them.
• 21% of the respondents said that they felt nervous when introducing a new partner to their friends

Any of this research suprise you? Or stricke a chord? Have you ever ended a relationship because your BFF didn’t approve?

I’m so excited to share this official announcement about my next book, coming to bookstores near you in early 2014!

Author of MWF SEEKING BFF, Rachel Bertsche’s JENNIFER, GWYNETH AND ME: The Pursuit of a More Perfect Existence, One Celebrity at a Time, about the author’s efforts to improve her life by emulating the aspects of A-list stars’ lives that she (to say nothing of our celebrity-obsessed culture) most admires, such as Jennifer Aniston’s workout regime, Gwyneth Paltrow’s kitchen, and Tina Fey’s work ethic, to Jennifer Smith for Ballantine Trade Paperbacks, by Kari Stuart at ICM (world).

I’ll be continuing to blog about all things friendship here, so don’t go away, though I may pick your brain re: your celeb obsessions every now and then. Starting now: If you could be BFFs with any celebrity–any one at all!–who would it be?

Friends in Florida! I’ll be reading from MWF Seeking BFF on Wednesday night, 5/16, at Books &  Books in Coral Gables. 8 pm. Please come say hi! 

A lot is made these days of whether or not technology is helping or hurting our social lives. There’s the side that argues we’re more connected than ever and thus more social, meeting friends we never would or keeping in touch with those we would have lost long ago if it weren’t for Facebook or Twitter. Then there’s the argument that we’re all so plugged into technology that we forget the importance of real-life interaction.

I see both sides, as I’ve said here before. I’ve definitely found new friends online (I met one of my newest best pals on a message board! Which sounds so much more  middle-school-AOL-chat-room creepy than it was), so I sing the praises of embracing technology for good not for evil.

But it has occurred to me that there is one very specific element of modern technology that is significantly detracting from my sociability: the ignore button.

Remember when you were in high school and the phone rang and you’d scream “I’ll get it!” and race to the wall where the phone was mounted? OMG, that’s the most archaic image. I can’t wait to tell my grand-kids that we once hung our phones on walls. How very 20th century. And I haven’t heard someone say “I’ll get it” since Dawson’s Creek was still in its original run. But that’s how it used to be. We didn’t have caller ID to screen, or an ignore button to silence the ringer and get back to someone when it was more convenient. We picked up, asked “who is it?” and went from there.

Today it’s just so easy to not pick up the phone. I hit ignore when: I’m working, I’m watching TV, I’m about to leave the house/office/gym, I’m tired, I’m reading, I don’t feel like talking. The list goes on. Back in the day, in any of those scenarios, I would have picked up the phone and said “I can’t talk now, can I call you back?” Now I just send it to voicemail.

Here’s why hitting ignore and ushering the call to voicemail is the lesser option: Telling someone that you will call them back is a promise. It’s rude not to do something you say you will, and you feel more responsibility to follow through with that. Hitting ignore is simply putting the call out of your head. The ignore button almost erases the fact that the call ever happened, and then I forget to check the voicemail and forget to call back. It occurred to me this morning that I have a ton of friends I need to catch up with, and then I remembered I probably owe each one of them a call, because they phoned me during a super-intense scene of Grey‘s or something.

I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before but I’m–again!–making the public resolution to pick up the phone. And if I can’t talk, I’ll say so.

This might be a socialization game-changer. You heard it here first.

Are you a slave to sending calls to voicemail? Do you ever pick up just to say “I’ll call you back?” And who even remembers when kitchen phones hung on walls????

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“No matter the cause, no matter how well-managed the reaction, the disagreements arising over parenting practices can hit hard and cut deep. Because what’s at stake is much more than different ideas about Ferber versus Sears, or organic versus conventional, or the use of timeouts, or the limits to be put on TV time. What is often triggered, in the divide between what mothers and fathers do or don’t do — whether or not those differences escalate into out-and-out confrontations — are convictions that push all the most basic parent-buttons.” (“Friends For Life? Wait Till Kids Enter the Picture”; New York Times, 4/20/2012)

Of all the things that could cause a friendship to break, it never occurred to me that differences in parenting styles would be one of them. Perhaps that’s because I don’t have kids.

Here’s how I see it, er, saw it: The way you parent is behind closed doors and really has no bearing on friendship. It seemed, to me, similar to saying “she runs funny, we can’t be friends.” (Nod to Rachel and Phoebe.) What does running have to do with friendship? How does one affect the other? That’s how I felt about parenting, until I read this article.

It seems I was wrong. In some cases, how you handle your kids can come in direct conflict with your friendships. Especially if how you treat your kids is to never leave them, forcing them on girls nights and asking pals to adjust their environments to fit your needs. I was struck by this story in the article:

One woman, a professor from New York, remembers clearly when she reached the breaking point with close friends. The trouble had started when the friends instituted a 6 p.m. bedtime for their preschool-age son. Then there was the banishing of all creativity-squashing, bright-colored plastic toys. Then there was the diet — raw parsnips, duck eggs, sunflower butter — all ordered up by a naturopathic doctor, who had diagnosed multiple food intolerances in the boy. … In the end, it was a birthday cake that did her in. The dad baked it — “some kind of spelt hoecake,” she recalled. As a memory formed of the little boy, once joyfully eating chocolate cake and ice cream, she lost it. “I said: ‘This is insane. This is bordering on abuse. I can’t take it anymore! I love him, and I think he deserves a birthday cake!’ ”

I’ve always known that how people parent is a really personal thing. The couples I know who have kids all do their care taking differently. I even know that people judge how other people parent. What I didn’t know is that it can have a direct on the relationship  between two adults. But clearly I don’t know much, because, apparently the “clash of [parenting] visions can be explosive.” Yikes.

Have you ever butt heads with a friend over your different approaches to parenting? Can’t we all just get along?