In yesterday’s conversation about friendship avoidance—and how to handle relationships with service providers (workout instructors, hairstylists, trainers, etc) when you’ve taken a break from their service—a reader made a comment that really struck me. Erica wrote that she has had a similar worry with her spin instructor, though, as she says, they aren’t really friends, just friendly. The part that made me really nod in agreement was when Erica wrote, “Even if she became my friend (which would be awesome, although I feel like she’s out of my friend-league), it would not (thank goodness) obligate me to get up at 6 a.m. every week to climb imaginary hills.”
Out of her friend league! I love this notion, because I have this feeling all the time.
Remember the waitress I wrote about a couple months back? I thought she seemed great so I left my info on the back of the restaurant check? Well after our girl-date I called an old friend in NYC, told her the story, and explained why the friendship would probably not workout. “She’s too cool for me!”
“You’re crazy,” my friend said “What do you mean too cool?”
I then explained that the waitress has been to just about every music festival around the country because she loves to rock. Also, she was on Road Rules, the MTV reality show. And this was back when it was more cool, less total porn. She had a very distinct vibe of coolness emanating from her, whereas I was more the goofy sidekick telling her about my upcoming trip to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
Listen, I’m not ashamed of it. I loved that trip. I’m just saying, it’s no indie rock fest.
I’ve met other women who I’ve felt were out of my friend-league. Usually it’s their air of confidence that tips me off. There’s something about a totally self-assured, together girl—one who’s funny, friendly, but doesn’t try too hard because she doesn’t have to, and can watch football with the guys as easily as she can do wine night with the girls—that makes me assume she’s too cool for me.
I’m glad to hear I’m not the only person who feels this way. Add this to the list of why friend-dating is romantic dating all over again.
Have you ever met someone you felt was out of your friend league? Did you pursue her anyway? Did you become friends? Do share and let Erica and me know we’re not alone!
MWF Seeking BFF, the book, is out in three weeks from today! December 20 to be exact. Now that holiday shopping season is here, may I suggest it as a gift for your own BFF? Or a BFF-to-be? (Or would that too forward?) It’s a great way to show your bestie how much you appreciate her. You can:
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MWF Seeking BFF 
Oh, did you hit the nail on the head with this one… I felt that someone was “out of my friend league” so, so many times. Sometimes it was probably totally irrational, but other times, it just felt like a legit feeling…. like this person would never even think about becoming friends with me.
I always thought it might have been my own insecurity telling me that…..
Yes, I don’t attempt a friendship with those who also make me feel less secure with who I am. Although, I learned this through trying. I became or tried to become someone who was not fitting comfortably inside my skin. It’s better to befriend others that do not make me feel as if I am a chameleon trying to to fit in their crowd.
Usually when I get that feeling from someone it’s because they think they’re took cool for school, and thus are out of my friend league. On the one occasion I decided to pursue them, after high school when I had a particularly hard time meeting people, it did not go well because of her stinky attitude. After that I decided that it’s not worth it to try to be friends with someone who thinks they’re better. I’ll stick with dorks like me any day!
You made me laugh. I think of myself as a dork also. Life if so much more fun this way.
I recently had someone tell me that I come off as very prim and proper and hard to approach for that reason… I don’t think of myself as that way at all, but I wonder how many people see me like that and think that *I* wouldn’t be interested in being friends with them? (When I totally would, I would LOVE for someone to ask me on a friend date). I wonder if other people who seem too cool would be equally as happy to be asked.
We went to a wedding two weeks ago and the bride (my friend)’s sister told her I appeared COLD! Me!
I am most certainly not cold (ask anyone :)) so that gave me pause – how do I come across to others???
this is of course off-topic!
I must be honest…. I never feel like people are “out of my league” except for financially and then I won’t make much effort because they’re likely to want to do very different sorts of things to me, and also our values might also be different.
There have been cases where I’ve been wrong but mostly I’m on target with my out of my league radar 🙂
Completely know the feeling. My senior year of college, friends and I started talking about how we met and it turns out that more than one of us had thought someone else in the group was “too cool.” One friend said she thought our other friend was “too cool, pretty, and would never want to be our friend.” This went on and on around the circle. Here we were, good friends after 4 years, yet our first impressions were that none of us were cool enough. The irony.
But I also know that I have probably avoided people because I thought they were too cool for me and that I’d bore them to pieces…
HA! I’m “courting” a friend now who is uber cool, confident, sexy and does all kinds of fun things with other equally cool people. I get all giddy when she invites me somewhere or returns an e-mail but I’m trying oh, so hard to not put out that desperation vibe that scares people off. I think her attitude could be very healthy for me to be around and learn to apply in my life.
What’s ironic is that is precisely how some of friends see me. My BFF from grade school on shared this with me over a very heartfelt girl’s night out earlier this year. It was what had drawn her to want to be my friend in the first place over 20 years ago and she still sees me that way. (We are mutually disappearing friends and this was the first time we’d “seen” each other face to face in about five years.)
Just discovered your book and blog – loving it! I’m 43 and am trying to get back into the dating and social world after a few years of semi-hermitage following a divorce.
Thanks Sonya! I’m so glad you found the blog and the book. I TOTALLY know that giddy feeling. It’s almost better than getting a callback from a romantic date…
Thanks so much for reading, and good luck getting back out there!
oh.my.god. you’re too, too, too funny!
i love this post because i feel the exact same about one of my besties. no, two of them. one’s an ex-boyfriend.