Monthly Archives: April 2011

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“Our social connections change as a function of age, typically forming a U shape across the lifespan, [associate professor of clinical psychology at the University of Kansas in Lawrence Stephen S.] Hardi says. As kids, we make friends easily because we spend so much time with our peers. Then comes a dip in early adulthood and midlife, when careers, marriage, and kids send us into lockdown. As these obligations ease up in our older years, we become socially active once again.” (“Friends for Life,” Better Homes and Gardens; April, 2011)

I find this life cycle of friendship fascinating.

But also encouraging.

Here we have scientific proof that my difficulty making new local BFFs when I first moved wasn’t because I’m a social leper or totally awkward. It’s because I was, and am, at an age where meeting new people is hard, both because I’m so busy and because my peers are too.

Last summer, my mother wrote about why it’s so important to hold on to your friends during the “lockdown” years. “Girls, don’t let the building of your adult life get in the way of maintaining the friendships you’ve spent so much time and energy developing,” she wrote. “You’ll find that whatever effort it takes—going back to your home town for a wedding or reunion, taking time out of a family visit for lunch or dinner with pals—you’ll be glad you made it. Once you emerge from those years from twenty-five to forty, those long-time friendships will mean the world to you.”

I know that she’s right, but I also like the idea that I’ll be in good shape for new friend making when I’m older. That the hardest part is right now, so if I can get through this, um, decade, I’ll be in great shape.

It’s funny, too, because when I started this search I thought not being a mom was the single thing working working most against me. I figured having a little one would mean Mommy & Me and Gymboree classes that would guarantee my next best friend. I was under the impression that the late-20s, early-30s were prime BFF time, now I know it’s the Empty Nesters who’ve won the friendship jackpot.

Now that I think about this research, I can’t help picturing the movie In Her Shoes (I never read the book), when Cameron Diaz’s Maggie moves into her Grandmother’s retirement home. Suddenly, she’s got a ton of new BFFs—and shopping buddies. I’m not saying that I want to move into a retirement community… but I’m not saying that I don’t.

Sure, age and lifestage influence who you are friends with, but do you think they influence your ability to make friends in the first place? At what age have you found it easiest to make friends? And for those of you in the so-called “older years,” is it true that your social activity has increased as you’ve aged?

Last week, I wrote about the phenomenon of FOMO: Fear of Missing Out. We’ve all been there—deep in the abyss of self-pity, nervous that all our friends are gathered without us, having the time of our lives.

The example in question was a quiet Friday night. You may choose to stay in and take a load off, but a barrage of Facebook status updates showing your BFFs having a grand ol’ time can make you regret that choice.

After I wrote this post, I got a call from a friend. “I don’t really care if I miss out,” she said. “I just want to be invited.”

And later: “I want my friends to want my company. It’s important to me to be included. But to actually have to go out on a Friday? Ugh. No thank you.”

This gets at something very real. The knowledge that my friends are at a concert doesn’t affect me if I’ve turned down said concert for a quiet night in. But when I hear, after the fact, that some pals went on an adventure without me—without even inviting me—that’s when my inner over-sensitive 4th grader comes out to pout.

Despite having felt the sting of the “unvitation” before, I have been guilty of imposing this feeling on others. A few years ago, I told a friend I was thinking of having a small birthday dinner on that Saturday night. She mentioned she’d be at a wedding. So when I sent the email invitation—it was a low-key affair—I left her off the list. I knew she couldn’t make it.

Fast forward a few days and you know what happened: My pal was mad at me for leaving her out.

“But I knew you couldn’t come!” I said.

“Still, it would have been nice if you included me.”

Rationally, I believe to this day that I didn’t do anything wrong. She told me she couldn’t come, so what was the point of inviting her? It was as if I was supposed to pretend she hadn’t already informed me the other plans. But I should have known better. The human brain isn’t always rational, and  when it comes to friends I’ve learned we must honor irrational emotions more than logic. I guess that’s part of the whole friendship gig. Not everything is based on reason.

After this incident, I got nervous planning wedding events. I had two showers—my mother-in-law threw one and my aunt the other—and didn’t want to invite my friends to both because I didn’t want them to feel guilty for not coming. Or obligated to buy gifts. But I also didn’t want them to feel left out. Ugh, being a girl can be so complicated.

My solution? A simple email. I wrote, “I’m having two showers, one in NYC and one in Boston. If any of you think you might come to either one, let me know as I’d love to have you there. But absolutely no pressure, and if you’re not local I wouldn’t want you to feel like you need to travel or buy a gift, so just let me know and I won’t even send an invite.”  There’s no perfect plan, but this worked for me.

So, what say you? Do you fear missing out? Or are you happy to miss out, as long as you get the invite? Or is all this hullabaloo just a product of adults being too sensitive and over-analytical? ‘Cause personally, I think that might be it.

The amount of time I’ve spent watching movies about female friendship—Beaches, Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Now & Then, Sex and the City (and the sequel), the list goes on—would probably add up to a good week or two. What can I say? I’m a sucker for the Traveling Pants of the Ya-Ya Magnolias. Long before I launched any type of friend search, back when I lived in New York with Sara, Callie and the gang, even then I had a soft spot for a good BFF moviefest. I don’t know, I guess this whole friendship fascination is long ingrained in me.

Despite having seen pretty much every girl-power movie under the sun, there are very few that actually mirror my own time with pals. Our lives are much less dramatic than those of CC Bloom or Carrie Bradshaw. There are rarely intense talks a la Boys on the Side or Mystic Pizza. More often than not we’re goofing off or gossiping. In fact, the friend flick that resonates the most strongly for me was panned overall: The Sweetest Thing. Granted things never get that raunchy when I’m with my friends, but the lighthearted, silly sentiment is spot on.

I don’t know why female friendships are so often portrayed as “serious” onscreen, but maybe that’s what sells. The good news: smart female comedians are having a moment. (So excited that Bossypants is my new book club book!) I’d wager that  we’ll start seeing more witty, honest, and relatable friendships in films soon enough (not every best friendship has to end with me clutching an entire box of Kleenex and sporting puffy eyes with streaky mascara), starting with this:

You know how I feel about getting too serious on a Friday (not good) so instead let’s take a moment to celebrate Kristen Wiig, who co-wrote the screenplay for Bridesmaids. She clearly gets what it really means to be a friend… and a bridesmaid.

Now you tell me: What’s your most favorite BFF movie?