Monthly Archives: December 2010

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone! I’m thrilled because I will be ringing in 2011 at a dear friend’s wedding. She was my roommate for almost three years in New York City, and we worked together, so you might say being spoiled with her friendship is part of the reason I got such a shock to the system when I moved to Chicago. I even spoke at her rehearsal dinner last night. Telling an old pal how special she is seemed a really fitting way for me to close out 2010.

This has been a momentous year for me. Friend searching can teach you as much about yourself as it does other about other people.

So first, what I’ve learned about myself:

1. I am a social being. In my earlier Chicago days I would have described myself as a homebody, but that might have been due to the fact that I didn’t have that many locals to hang out with. These days I’ve realized I get a lot of energy and happiness from being out with new friends. I’m not trying to go out drinking till 1 am, but a girls’ dinner will put me in a great mood.

2. I enjoy alone time. It seems like a contradiction of the aforementioned point #1, but now that I am not alone all the time, I appreciate the time that I am. It used to feel lonely, now it feels relaxing.

3. I’m braver than I thought. Once upon a time I would have said “Oh I could never do that!” to a hearty percentage of the things I’ve tackled this year. Write a note to a waitress after a meal? Ask an established author to have lunch with me? At her reading no less? But now I’ve learned that the worst that can happen is I’ll be embarrassed for a minute. Then I move on. There are worse things.

What I’ve learned about other people:

1. Everyone wants friends. I was so so so so so worried that the people I approached this year would find me annoying or burdensome or strange. But across the board people have been thrilled when I asked them on a friend-date. People are busy and aren’t always willing to do the work it takes to make friends, but if you carry the load—at least in the beginning—others will happily come along.

2. People don’t analyze your every move the way you think they do. I constantly hear from readers that they are scared to approach someone because they don’t want to seem weird. I felt that way at the beginning. Now I know, no one is thinking about me enough to think I’m weird. If I approach someone, they usually just respond. They don’t analyze my crazy. At least not yet.

3. You never know what someone else is thinking. When I asked out the girl who works at the boutique on my corner, she said that she can never be the asker because it’s unprofessional for the salesgirl to invite a customer out for coffee. Until that moment it had never occurred to me that maybe she wanted to be friends with me but something was holding her back. The point is, you’ll never know what someone else is thinking. So just ask. It’s the only way to find out.

Three things I’ve learned about making friends:

1. Friends don’t come knocking at your door. If making new friends is important to you, you absolutely must be willing to do the work. You have to reach out and follow up and plan outings. You have to call back and write back and facebook message back. You have to show up.

2. Consistency is key. I see the people in my improv class once a week. We’ve become fast friends. Some of my new friends are in my book club which guarantees I’ll see them at least once a month. Some new friends I liked so much that I created consistency with them—I formed a dinner club. Now I see them once a month too. Seeing someone twice and never again is not friendship.

3. Friendships take time. I thought I would meet someone and we would have this friend-love at first sight business, but—surprise!—it hasn’t happened like that. Sure there have been some I have clicked with more than others, but even those relationships need time to become true friendships. Patience has never been my strong suit.

I hope these notes will help some of you make friends in the new year! What did you learn in 2010?

I should jump on the year-end post bandwagon. It’s that time I guess…

I’ll start, today, with my friendship-related resolutions for next year. Tomorrow, I’ll recap what I’ve learned this year. In the comments, I’d love for you to do the same.

So here goes…

My friendship resolutions for 2011:

1. No more icebreaker games! Wearing a nametag and playing “Fun Fact Bingo” or “I Like People Who…” was a common occurrence this year. Next year I hope to do a bit less of these activities and focus more on developing the potential friendships I’ve already found.

2. Meet the parents. It’s a relationship milestone, and I’m hoping I’ll get there with a bunch of my new pals. Actually, I want them to meet my mom. She’s local and she’s on call for a brunch date with any new friendship that gets serious. Has this become dating or what???

3.Put renewed energy into keeping up old friendships. Given all the research I’ve read—telling friends how much you value their friendship will make you 48% more likely to be “extremely satisfied” with the friendships in your life, friendships without face-to-face contact decrease in closeness by 15% each year—I’ve learned it’s difficult but rewarding to keep old relationships strong. This search was never meant as a replacement, just a complement, so I must do the work to keep both types of bonds in place.

4. Read more friendship memoirs. I’m currently reading Gail Caldwell’s Let’s Take the Long Way Home. Also on my list are Cheap Cabernet: A Friendship, Autobiography of a Face and Truth & Beauty (they’re a package deal) and Mentor: A Memoir. (Anyone have anything I must add to this list?)

5. Continue to step out of my comfort zone for friendly adventures. Being open to activities with friends has led me to perform in public, seek out a psychic, take a gong bath, and almost get my brains knocked out of my skull. And nothing brings two people together like creating a memory. Next year I really want to keep this up. Plus, friendly adventures have the added bonus of making me feel like a tourist my hometown. Love that.

What are your New Year’s resolutions? Friend-related or not, please do share. I can use a bit of inspiration.

The new year is quickly approaching and my wish for everyone is a year free of friendship drama. Because while female friendships provide emotional nourishment that relationships with men cannot, they can also be plenty complicated.

The emotional intimacy involved in best friendship leaves a lot of room for hurt or misunderstanding or fights. But even worse than fighting with a friend can be standing by as two friends fight with each other.

You’ve probably been there. I certainly have. You have a great group of friends when, suddenly, two of said friends have a falling out. You can be all Switzerlandy, staying away from the conflict entirely, but it affects you nonetheless.

There’s really no good position to be in as the non-fighting party. Here are your options:

1)    Stay out of it. You’ll need to tell both friends not to even mention their spat in your presence—making it, of course, a taboo topic. You’ll have to see them each separately. Your “group” will be no longer.

2)    Try to fix things. Like some sort of relationship repairman, you can talk to each friend about how she might forgive the other. But be warned, while you may see it as helping, your friend might see it as meddling. If you’re telling each friend how great the other one is, how they must forgive her, it may come off as taking sides. Speaking of which…

3)    Take sides. Maybe you’re better friends with one of the fighters, so you default to her. You don’t intentionally declare an allegiance, but suddenly you haven’t spoken to friend #2 in weeks.

4)    Be the go-between. While your friends are in a fight, they come to you to find out what the other one did last weekend or where she’s getting her hair cut. You’re more like a messenger than a friend, and you are very much in the fight even though you aren’t in the fight.

See what I mean? There’s no good place to be.

Personally, I’d go with option one. It’s the lesser of four evils. It’s what I would recommend to you too.

But I’ve seen each situation play out and it’s never easy. Fights always seem to be harder on the mutual friend than either of the sparring parties. Most recently, two members of my monthly poker game had a falling out. We handled it the only we knew how—disbanded the game. Ugh.

How do you handle it when two of your friends are in a fight? Do you stay out of it, take sides, or try to make amends? What’s your advice for friends in the same situation?

Over the holiday weekend I was catching up with an old friend. I asked about some of her friends and how they were doing. Everyone was well, she said. But when I asked for specific updates on one pal’s love life and another one’s family, I was told, “Oh, I don’t ask them about that stuff anymore.”

These are sore subjects. One friend-of-my-friend is devastated about being single, the other has a newly strained relationship with her sister. They’re issues that have been brewing for a while now, and my friend has checked in on both topics plenty of times. But nothing seems to change, and it started to feel as if she was upsetting her BFFs rather than supporting them by asking the same question over and over. So she stopped.

And now the subjects have become taboo territory.

People say the measure of a best friendship is that you can talk about everything. Usually I think this is true. I generally don’t approve of having topics that are off-limits in a close relationship. How can you show you care about the important stuff if you’re not allowed to bring it up?

But maybe that’s the journalist in me. When I’m curious about something, I ask. Often to others’ disapproval.

I do think it is important to respect someone’s boundaries.  Sometimes it’s more rewarding to have a friend you don’t have to talk about the big stuff with. Someone with whom you can escape your troubles, if only for a moment.

I have trouble toeing this line. I always want to show my concern if a friend is going through hard times, but I don’t want to be another person firing off the same questions, especially when the answer hasn’t changed. It can start to sound an awful lot like nagging.

Are there any taboo topics in your close friendships? What are they? How do you show you care without beating a dead horse?

Once upon a time, being neighborly meant stopping by the house next door and popping in for a cup of coffee or a quick chat. Showing up unannounced? No problem, we’re neighbors!

Nowadays the rules have changed. The modern-day definition of a good neighbor is someone who keeps to herself. She’ll drop off your mail if it’s delivered to the wrong house, but she won’t ask questions or pass judgment when she notices you subscribe to US Weekly and Star.

I’ll be honest, when one of my neighbors comes unexpectedly a knockin’ I’m usually not thrilled. It always seems to come at the wrong time, like when I’m sitting around in my PJs and not feeling especially fit for company. But as part of this search I’ve made it a goal to befriend—or at least become acquaintances with—someone who lives in my building.

I live in a mid-rise apartment building—we have four floors with about six to eight units per floor. It’s big enough that I don’t know most of the other residents, but small enough that it feels like a little community. So when I saw one of my neighbors at the grocery store recently, I ignored my initial urge to put my head down and gun for the produce. Instead, I approached her.

I introduced myself and we started chatting. And then I mentioned that I’d love to get lunch sometime, that I’d been wanting to meet some of the other residents in my building. So we made plans.

I’m excited about this potential relationship because while I’m not anxious to go back to the random neighborly pop-in, it would be nice to have someone close by to watch TV with or borrow an egg from.

In his book Bowling Alone, Robert Putnam points to the decrease in neighborly visits as evidence that there’s been an overall decline in “social capital” in the U.S. But I think the old idea that you should automatically be pals with your neighbors doesn’t make much sense. After all, you moved there for the home, not for the company.

Neighbors play a very specific role. Sure, they might become friends of yours, but it’s not necessary. To me, neighbors are like freshman year roommates. They don’t need to be your BFF, they just need to be someone you can live with. Someone who you trust to keep an eye on your house while you’re away, or who you’d be willing to leave a key with in case you lock yourself out.

What do you think? Do you miss the old days, when Mr. Rogers made neighbors into friends? Or are you happier with today’s expectations of privacy, no matter whom you live next door to?

Do you have a formula for friendship? You gotta admit, Sheldon’s is pretty on point.