MWF Seeking BFF

I spend a lot of time on this blog bemoaning my lack of high-school style friendships. “I started this search wanting a BFF like I had in high school,” I find myself saying to book clubs all the time. “Where you hang out all day, then talk for three hours on the phone at night about what happened during your day, then repeat that routine all week. “

And I really was lucky in high school. I had fantastic friends and I have little-to-no memory of getting in petty teenage fights with them that were motivated by jealousy and insecurity. (I’m not saying they didn’t happen, just that I don’t remember them. I do remember those fights from middle school.)

But lately I’ve been reading a lot of young adult books, and they’ve served to remind me how tough friendship can be in high school. How–as a teenager– if your friend beats you out for homecoming queen, you usually aren’t happy for her, you’re jealous. And how boys can so easily come between two best friends. And how the littlest disagreement can spiral into a massive blowup because you are 16 and your hormones are raging and you don’t always know how to properly address conflict before it balloons into World War 3.

As a teenager, you can fight with your bestie about spilling a secret or keeping a secret. She could be too needy, or too distant. She might flirt with your boyfriend, or totally ignore him. Every little thing  she does, and its opposite, can cause a fight. And everything you do, too.

At least, these are the reminders that my current batch of young adult novels are drilling into my brain. Because any YA book worth its salt will have BFF drama. That’s just High-School Stories 101. (See: All 142 Sweet Valley High books.)

It’s funny to me (funny weird, not funny ha-ha) that I’ve spent so many hours feeling wistful for a time that, back then, might have been filled with anxiety and uncertainty in its own right. And it’s plain old funny-sad that I’m just realizing this most basic of lessons (the grass is always greener!) two years later.

So I’m wondering, do you look back at high school (or grade school) friendships with nostalgia or horror? Do you miss the teenage friendship years, or do you give thanks every day to have moved past that stage?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the new show Best Friends Forever, the NBC sitcom about, uh, two best friends forever.

But I’m far more interested in HBO’s new ode to friendship, Girls. The show, which premiered on Sunday, is about four friends in New York City, and their misadventures trying to navigate jobs, romance, and real life. Yes, it sounds like that other show about four New York City gals–but it’s much, much, less glamourous. And plenty more real. As The Daily Beast put it: “Girls is, in many ways, the antithesis to HBO’s own ladies-in-Manhattan fantasy, Sex and the City, offering a far more realistic portrayal of sisterhood than that of Carrie Bradshaw and Co.”

I think it’s pretty fantastic that new shows about female friendship keep rolling out. As they do, I’ll keep watching.

Did you watch Girls? What did you think? And what’s the most realistic portrayal of friendship on TV?

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“New research has found that tragic films can actually make us feel happier. The findings, published in the journal Communication Research, suggest that those tearjerkers have a way of bringing our attention to important relationships in our lives.” (“Why We Love Tearjerkers”; HuffingtonPost.com 3/27/2012)

I sort of hate tearjerkers.

Except Beaches, of course. And A League of Their Own. And Man on the Moon. And Grey’s Anatomy. Private Practice.

So….yeah. Maybe I don’t hate them all. But I rarely sign up for them. I’ve never seen Terms of Endearment or The Notebook, mostly because I’m never in the mood to sit for two hours and come out the other end a sobbing puddle of lunacy.

Turns out, according to this latest research, that indulging in a little sob fest will actually make me happier. It will make me think about all the people I love–my family, my husband, my friends–and count my blessings.

According to the Science Daily article about this phenomenon, “The more [the study participants] thought about their loved ones, the greater the increase in their happiness. Viewers who had self-centered thoughts concerning the movie — such as ‘My life isn’t as bad as the characters in this movie’– did not see an increase in their happiness.”

Point being, we get our happiness from thinking about others, not thinking about ourselves.

This is especially relevant research for me, as I seem to have an appointment to see that new Zac Efron/Nicholas Sparks film on Friday. I’ve never seen a Nicholas Sparks movie, which, I’ll admit, is a point of pride for me. But if it means a Friday night with my friends, then fine. I’ll go. Sobfests are indeed a girlfriend  affair. And now that I know the movie will make me happier, and more grateful for my pal, well…that’s double fab.

Plus, I’ll get some time with Zac Efron’s abs. So there’s that.

What’s the tearjerker that gives you your best cry?

Let’s chat about something I don’t understand about guys. Why do they never call their friends, “friends”? It’s always “my high school buddy and I used to down 40s” or “I’m going on a road trip with my buddy” or “my buddy and I totally watched Sex and City when we were college roommates, don’t tell anyone.”

I don’t get it. Aside from on this blog, where I have to exhaust every synonym for “friend” lest the same word appear in every sentence, I have never called a friend my “buddy.” Never. I do use it every now and then to refer to my 11-year-old Little Brother, but that’s it. Nowhere else.

But guys say it all the time. I assume it’s because they think “buddy” sounds more macho. Less intimate. It’s very “we’re just dudes. we’re buds. no big deal.” But when a guy says buddy, it doesn’t (from what I can tell) mean what I would think it should mean. To me, a buddy is someone you’re friendly with, but not really friends with. A pal, a buddy, someone you’ve hung out with once or twice.

But when men use the phrase, they always seem to be talking about their close friends. Even their BFFs.

There are some guys who go “buddy” more than others of course. A friend of mine from college calls every single one of his best friends his buddy. A couple of weeks ago I was at dinner and a dining companion used buddy exclusively when referring to old friends. My new good guy pal has girl “friends” and guy “buddies.”

Is it regional? These three men are from Pittsburgh, Wisconsin, and Indiana. (Yes I know that one of those is a city and the other two are states but I don’t know where in Wisco or Indy they’re from.) Is it just pure machismo? Or is buddy just another word for friend that I am totally overanalyzing?

I don’t think so on that last one. Have you ever heard a woman use “buddy”? Ever? I thought not.

There’s some big linguistic study here waiting to happen. I know it. Scientists, you’re welcome. Please report back.

Have you noticed this “buddy” phenomenon? Why do guys love to call friends “buddies.” Why don’t women ever say it?

Over the last couple of years I’ve tested out a number of friend-making services. You’d be amazed how much is out there, and how not-awkward they are. It occurred to me this morning that I don’t have these different sites/organizations in a comprehensive list anywhere, and that some of you other BFF-seekers might want to give some a try.

So here it is: THE FRIEND-SEEKING DIRECTORY

Girlfriendcircles.com: “The only online community that matches women into small local groups to meet potential friends in small, safe, effective and fun ways with others in the same area and age.” GirlfriendCircles is sort of like Match.com for friendship. But you don’t have to peruse the site and ask someone out if you don’t want. Most people go the ConnectingCircle route, where five or six women are matched and meet at a local cafe or restaurant. GirlfriendCircles also hosts speed-friending events. (CEO Shasta Nelson came up with my go-to friending formula.)

GrubWithUs.com: “Grubwithus is a social dining network that facilitates friendships by bringing awesome people together over delicious food.” I attended the first-ever Grub meal and I loved it. It’s like OpenTable but instead of reserving a table you reserve a seat at a table with others. When you show up you’ve got 12(ish) new dining companions, and you get a well-priced family-style meal at a local restaurant. Food! Friendship! Yum. (There’s even an MWF Seeking BFF meal group forming in Seattle. Go join!)

Mac ‘n’ Cheese Minglers: Chicago only. “A group of people interested in expanding networks – social, professional, romantic – come to a home for an evening of food, drink, discussion, and low-key, no-pressure connection-making.The one caveat?  Everyone comes solo!” Local entrepreneur Saya Hillman does a wonderful job organizing these meet-new-people events. I met some cool and fascinating people. 

Meet Joe: Chicago only. “Joe is a regular guy who introduces you to new friends in the city based on what you tell him about yourself and the kinds of people you want to meet. If you’ve ever stopped to wonder how many great people you’d know and like in Chicago if you just had an opportunity to meet them, then Meet Joe is for you.” Joe Drake is basically a friend matchmaker. First you meet him to explain what you’re looking for, then he matches you with a couple of people from his extensive network.

Meetup.com: “The world’s largest network of local groups. Meetup makes it easy for anyone to organize a local group or find one of the thousands already meeting up face-to-face.” I tried a cooking group, but you can find local book clubs, running groups, knitting circles, webmaster clubs, theater groups…literally anything that interests you, there’s a group for that.

One Brick: “One Brick brings volunteers together to support other non-profit organizations by adopting an innovative twist to the volunteer experience: we create a friendly and social atmosphere around volunteering, and after each volunteer event, we invite volunteers to gather at a local restaurant or cafe where they can get to know one another in a relaxed social setting.” I absolutely love this organization. The volunteering is no-commitment, so you can sign up for one-time events around your own schedule. I worked at a local garden, and made a friend, all in one day!

Rentafriend.com: “RentAFriend.com has friends from around the world available for hire. Rent a friend to attend a social event, wedding, or party with you. Hire someone to introduce you to new people, or someone to go to a movie or a restaurant with. Hire a friend to show you around a new town, teach you a new skill/hobby, or just someone for companionship.” Listen, it’s pretty weird, but it exists. I did it.

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“Only once the sexes mixed on equal and familiar terms at school, at work and in the social spaces in between — only once it was normal and even boring to see a member of the opposite sex at the next desk — could platonic friendships become an ordinary part of life.” (“A Man. A Woman. Just Friends?” ; New York Times, 4/7/2012)

This article from Sunday’s New York Times is worth a read. The author, essayist William Deresiewicz, explores the political history of platonic friendship between the sexes, ultimately saying that after the feminist movement of the 1960s, friendship between a man and a woman–one without sexual undertones–became possible, and even the norm.

Deresiewicz goes on to say that, really, most people do engage in totally harmless relationships with those of the opposite sex, and it’s only popular culture that pretends it’s so tough. That’s because it’s not interesting, or sexy, he says. “It doesn’t have a beginning, a middle and an end,” he writes. “Put a man and a woman together in a movie or a novel, and we expect the sparks to fly.” He also contends that as a culture we don’t quite “get” a loving relationship that isn’t familial or romantic. It just doesn’t make sense.

I’ve been skeptical of male-female friendships in my day, too. During my year of friending, I made exactly one guy friend, and we didn’t spend nearly as much time together as I did my female friends. I guess I thought that if I was spending time with a man, I should be with my new husband.

But I’ve made one great man friend as of late. We’re good buddies, and it’s totally platonic. The other day he called to tell me about some girl he is into and explain how his pursuit is going. I gave advice… or tried. (I’ve been out of the game a while.) It was refreshing, and pleasant, and completely nonsexual.

Maybe I’m evolving.

So what do you think, are male-female friendships totally normal? Does pop culture only pretend it can’t exist since it makes for a boring story? Or are we not nearly as evolved as Deresiewicz lets on?

A couple of years ago I was given a friendship formula: Someone is a friend once you’ve hung out twice a month for three months.

I’m wondering now if there’s is a reverse equation. Is there a specific length of absence  that says “we are no longer friends?”

There are some people I see and chat with once a week, at the gym for instance, who I wouldn’t call friends. And then there are people who I talk to once every four months, and see even less, who I do call friends.

A lot of that is history, of course. The friends I never talk to are still friends because of our shared past. We’ve been through stuff together, so they’ve earned the Friend title.

But what of the friends I don’t talk to anymore, and don’t expect to? At what point do they go from “friend” to “friendish person” to “a girl I was once friends with.”

To me it’s a year. If I haven’t spoken to someone (via phone or email) or seen her in a year, I’ll usually go from saying “we are good friends” to “we were good friends.” Twelve months might seem like a long stretch, but things get busy and sometimes months can go by before you realize you haven’t spoken to someone you consider near and dear.

These aren’t the friendships that end due to a blow-up or any other conscious decision, of course. In those instances, it’s quite clear when the friendship is kaput. I’m talking about the relationships that quietly fade. The ones that make you think “Huh, I guess we aren’t friends anymore.”

Even thinking about this makes me want to run to the phone. I don’t want to lose friend status with anyone just because we’ve been in a communication rut!

So what do you think? Is there a formula for no-longer friends?

Attention Nashville! I’ll be reading at Parnassus Books on Thursday, April 12 at 6:30 pm. Hope to see you there!