MWF Seeking BFF

The web of friendship is spreading.

I’ve written often of the group of friends that was once my cooking club. I say “was once” because now we get together all the time, sometimes for cooking, more often for wine and gossip. Or for ice skating. Or painting. You get my drift. We like activities.

But last night something very cool happened. The men of the group—the husbands and boyfriends of the cooking ladies—gathered for a poker night.

Clearly, my first inclination was to be sad I wasn’t invited as I love a good poker game (and I was in a couples game once that tragically disbanded). But once I got over my inner 12-year-old, I was pretty excited. As you might know, I’ve been trying to push friendship on my husband since this whole project started. Not that he is anti-pals or anything. It’s just that Matt wasn’t on a BFF search. That was solely my thing. So halfway through the year, when I’d say to something like “why don’t you skip going to the casino in favor of a guys night? You could call Max! It will help your heart health!” he wasn’t having it.

From what I can tell, last night was a hit. You know boys:

Me: “How’d it go?”

Matt: “It was fun.”

Me: “Tell me more! Details please!”

Matt: “It’s late. I’m going to bed.”

I don’t know if there is another game planned, but no matter. I think it’s cool that it even happened. That these guys who, until last night, knew each other just barely, decided to get together and, you know, pursue friendship.

Though I’m confident that they wouldn’t categorize it as “pursuing friendship” so much as “dudes drinking beer and playing cards.” So let’s go with that, in case any of them see this. Don’t want them to get turned off by the F word.

So, to dudes drinking beers and playing cards! Like, I said, the web of friendship is spreading. Mwahahaaha. I feel like an evil genius.

Have you ever set up a man in your life with new friends?

MWF Seeking BFF is one month old today!  In its honor, I’m making a word-of-mouth plea. If you read MWF, or are planning to, perhaps you’d like to spread the word? There’s absolutely nothing better for a book than the recommendation of friends. Tell your pals they can:
Order a copy
Read an excerpt
Watch the trailer

I’ve never been much of a Brad or George girl. Give me Tim Riggins any day.

But I do love their friendship. All the ribbing (see: George’s cane shtick) and laughing and what seems like genuine friendship. Not even a bromance. More than that. They’re buddies, they respect each other, and they wear such damn cute smiles when they talk about each other.

I was discussing over the weekend that George Clooney might be the only person who could have a real friendship-of-equals with Brad Pitt. And vice versa. No one has to be jealous or threatened. They’re both so successful in so many ways that they can just support each other. When a friendship exists with one person who is Brad-Pitt-levels of big dealness, and the other one is, like, me… well that might be a bit tough on the ego. But Brad and George probably go to the golfing range, crack jokes and vent about Angelina and Stacy just like everyone else.

Is this the cutest picture you’ve ever seen? I think so.

I love that Michelle Williams is always taking her BFF Busy Phillips to awards shows with her. Also, that they’re friends from Dawson’s Creek days doesn’t hurt my affection for them. Whether I should or not, I still feel sad for Michelle Williams when I see her–the whole Heath thing, and she always has a bit of a sad-serious look. So I’m glad she has a tried-and-true BFF who’s always by her side. Also, this picture is so everygirl-BFF. Except instead of taking a pic with her camera phone of, say, an outfit or a manicure, Michelle’s BFF is taking a picture of her golden statue. NBD.

Honorary Mention.

I have no idea if Octavia Spencer and Melissa McCarthy are BFFs. But after watching Melissa cry while Octavia gave her acceptance speech, they should be.

Who are your favorite celebrity BFFs?

MWF Seeking BFF is available now, and I would be forever grateful if you might: 

Order a copy
Read an excerpt
Check out the latest press (People! Oprah! Hello Giggles!)
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter
Send in a photo of MWF out in the wild

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“Healthy couple friendships make a marriage more fulfilling and exciting for several reasons, such as increasing partners’ attraction to each other, providing a greater understanding of men and women in general, and allowing partners to observe ways that other couples interact with each other and negotiate differences.” (“Couples Friendships Make for Happier Marriages, Relationships” ; Science Daily 8/19/2011)

When the discussion turns to making new pals, the issue of couple friends comes up quite often. Finding them is hard. Not only do you need to like the other woman, but now your partner needs to like the guy. It’s hard enough to find two people who click, getting a strong foursome can seem nearly impossible.

I’m adding this new book, Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Married Friendships by Geoffrey Greif and Kathleen Holtz Deal, to my reading list. It looks at all the ways that having couple friends can help your romantic relationship. The one that I can relate most to, personally, is the idea that being in a couples friendship helps you see your partner in a new light. “Some couples said, ‘When I see my husband or wife with other people, it really makes me appreciate them in a different way. I see how charming or thoughtful they are or what a sparkling conversationalist they are,’” Greif told the Chicago Sun-Times.

It’s so easy to fall into a routine at home, speaking to each other in the same way, doing the same things, that you aren’t always seeing your partner when he is “on.” Which is to say when he might be at his funniest, most charming self. It’s a fun to watch your partner win over others when you’re out with couple friends. It renews that sense of pride that this is your guy.

Not unlike regular friends, though, it can be really hard to find new couple friends. According to this book, most people do it by starting with a twosome and extending it to four. Deal, one of the authors “says she was surprised to find that she and her husband were in the minority because they set out as a pair to make friends with other couples.”

That hesitance we feel about picking up new friends seems to extend to couple friends. Starting from scratch can feel awkward–and, of course, you probably can’t help wondering: What if they think we are swingers? (I’m just saying, it’s a concern.)

I also like this classification of couple friends: “Couples fall into one of three categories, according to how they approach their friendships with others, the research shows. … Greif and Deal describe seekers as extroverts who are often looking for another couple with whom to socialize. Keepers have full lives and many friends, and are not necessarily looking for more. Nesters tend to be introverts who have a small number of couple friends and are content with that.”

That breakdown can probably be extended to good ol’ one-on-one BFF searching too.

Do you find it easier or harder to make couple friends? Have they improved your relationship? Are you a seeker, keeper or nester?

Remember how I just wrote about how much I love Hello Giggles? And how I just heard from a wildly successful old classmate who was somehow duped into thinking I was the “older cooler girl”? Well, that old classmate wrote a hilarious review of MWF Seeking BFF on… Hello Giggles! I’m so excited, even though I still can’t wrap my head around anyone thinking my crazy scrunchie collection was cool.

Back when I started thinking and writing about making friends, I thought I was in the specific situation that might cause someone to need new pals. Namely, moving to a new city.

One of the interesting things I’ve learned over the past couple of years is that so many women (and also, perhaps, men) have found themselves in my shoes—on the lookout for potential BFFs to supplement (not replace!) their lifelong besties. And these women didn’t always end up here because of a  move.

As it turns out, and I probably shouldn’t be so surprised by this, there are a number of situations one might find herself in that would spur a friend search. Here are a few:

1) You move. Like I said, that’s how I got here. This is typical: You’re in a city you’ve mastered—you know all the cleanest public toilets, you have ladies to meet for omelets on Sunday mornings, and you’ve developed relationships with the dry cleaning lady and the mailman—and suddenly you have to move. For a job, for a romance, whatever. Soon enough you’re in a new city, not super socially connected, and launching an onslaught of friend dates.

2) Your friends are getting married, having kids, and moving to the suburbs. (Or vice versa.) I hear this one a lot. Women will tell me they’ve never moved in their lives, but suddenly their pals have filed out to the ‘burbs to raise families and are making less time for girl talk over drinks. The flip side is also true—women often tell me they’ve moved to the suburbs and suddenly need a crew of mom friends.

3) You’re the last single girl. This isn’t totally different than #2, but in The Case of the Last Single Girl, it’s not that friends are having kids. It’s just that friends are coupling off, and your party-on-a-Saturday-night wingwoman would suddenly rather stay in and catch up on SVU.

4) You’re divorced. I’d never thought of this until last night, when a reader told me she recently split from her husband and lost a whole set of friends during the breakup. “It feels like another custody case,” she says.

5) You’re retired. Suddenly you have all this new free time and no BFF to fill it with.

So there you have it, the top 5 reasons women launch a BFF search. (And when I say “top 5,” let’s be totally clear that I have no scientific backing for this.) Have you found yourself in one of those situations? And what big catalyst for BFF-searching did I miss? Comment below!

MWF Seeking BFF is available now, and I would be forever grateful if you might: 

Order a copy
Read an excerpt
Check out the latest press
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter
Send in a photo of MWF out in the wild

I’m taking the national holiday off from blogging, but a quick reminder to Los Angelenos:

I’ll be reading from MWF Seeking BFF tonight at 6 pm at Small World Books. Hope you’re not all too exhausted from the Golden Globes—would love love LOVE to see you there!

Thanks and enjoy your Monday off!

You know how I’m always talking about how I’ve made new friends? I know you’re probably thinking “Prove it, Rachel. Prove it!”

Wait, that’s not what you’re thinking? Oh. Well, I’ve got proof anyway.

Last night was my Chicago book reading and party. Despite the snowy weather, my new amazing friends made their way to a local independent bookstore and packed the house.

And then….

At the party…

They revealed…

THIS!

It’s a cupcake recreation of my book cover! And the dot colors are perfectly coordinated with the actual cover. And the font is the same! And the cupcakes were delicious!

This amazing edible cover was brought to me by my cooking club. Remember when I introduced them? I wrote about it here, the next day. That was on July 11, 2010. This year we spent New Year’s Eve together. And last night they gave me a homemade cookbook: “Recipes for Friendship.” It had all the meals we’ve made in our year and a half of meetings.

It was the nicest thing EVER. But I didn’t cry… too much eye makeup on to let that happen.

So, there you have it. Proof. Searching works!

What’s the most thoughtful gift a friend has ever given you?

Exciting news! MWF Seeking BFF is reviewed in People magazine this week. They say that “this charming, funny chronicle of an ‘experiment in extreme friending’ explores the bonds between women–and the idea that the world is people with potential BFFs.” Me? In People? This is the dream. I’m freaking out! Check it out for yourself (the cover with “Murder at the Palace” on the front. Who could resist?)

I use the term “independent friends” a lot.

Like, “Oh, you know Isabelle from book club? Are you independent friends?”

What I’m referring to are friends who see each other one-on-one and are pals on their own, not because of someone else or some common activity.

My friend Chloe and I, for example, met through our mutual BFF, Sara. We were also in a book club together. For a while, we called each other friends, but we would only see each other at book club, or with Sara. I still, five years later, remember the phone call one quiet Saturday when we decided to have dinner, just the two of us, that night. From there, we started hanging out just us sometimes, and our friendship was a relationship all on its own. Not because we read the same books, or knew the same people. Just because we liked each other.

Over the weekend someone asked how Chloe and I knew each other so well. “Through Sara?” she asked. I responded with some (perhaps mildly defensive) statement like, “Well, we met through Sara, and them Chloe joined our book club, but we are independent friends!”

When you meet a potential BFF in the context of another person, or a shared club, it can be really tough to extract the friendship out of those circumstances. But once you do, it’s a source of pride. You did the impossible—you made a real friend! All on your own.

I’m in the process of “independent friending” another potential BFF, the one I wrote about a couple months back. She and I talked about getting together when we met at mutual friends’ parties. Now we’re en route to plain old friendship. It feels like a real feat.

Anyway, this term has been on my mind a lot lately because I’m always asking people about their independent friendships. I can use this blog/book as an excuse, but the truth is I’ve been fascinated by other people’s friendships—and how they came to be—for as long as I can remember.

Before my whole stint in extreme friending, I often got jealous when I heard about girls I wanted to befriend becoming independent friends themselves. Jealous, but also intrigued: how did they do it? What exactly happened to elevate the friendship? Now I have a better handle on the process, but I’m still totally intrigued by it.

So, anyway, if we meet and you tell me about this girl in your running group, now you won’t be confused when I say “So are you independent friends?” You’ll get me.

Is this a term that other people use? Or did I coin it? Do you have any relationships that you are proud to say went from just friends to Independent Friends?

Friends in Los Angeles! I’ll be reading on Monday, Jan. 16, at Small World Books at 6 PM. Would love to see you there. And Chicago! Don’t be scared of the snow, this is what we are built for. I’m reading tonight at 7 pm at The Book Cellar. I’d love to see you!

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“While you are more likely to do something if you plan it in advance, research funded by the Economic and Social Research Council (ESRC), shows that partnering up or planning with someone can really boost the likelihood of sticking to your resolutions. This finding suggests that ‘buddy schemes’ could make a big difference to people following dieting plans, health programmes and could be integrated into government well-being initiatives.” (“If You Plan, You’ll Do… But It Helps To Have a Friend” ; Sciencedaily.com 1/04/2012)

I’ve talked before about how friends can help you lose weight or show up at the gym. And with the new year and the rampant resolutioning that goes down this month, it’s no surprise that another study has been published to that end. What’s a tad different about this study is that it looked specifically at the act of joint planning.

Research has already shown, apparently, that setting up “if, then” cues to plan behavior is the key to follow-through. As in,”If that nice girl from yoga class is there today, then I will ask her out.”

But even more effective than setting up these cues is setting them up with a buddy. 

For the study referenced above, a group of participants were asked to increase their exercise. The authors of the study found that “it was quite clear that working together and joint planning really helped employees stick to their new exercise regimes. Moreover, the involvement of a partner in planning had a sustained effect that was still noticeable after six months.”

I extend this bit of research to all the long-distance BFFs out there. As much as you love each other, you’re not in the same city. I’m sure you each want the other to have pals in her current hometown. (Friends don’t let friends get lonely.) So I say, make a plan together. In between gossip about Blue Ivy and the upcoming Golden Globes, prepare for this week. “If I run into my neighbor, then I will ask her to coffee.” “If I want to go out, then I will follow-up with that long lost friend.”

Whatever it is, make the plan together. If you’re feeling super go-getter, you can even hold each other accountable at the end of the week.

It might sound like some sort of friendship support group, but then, it basically is. No matter. As one of the researchers said, “Individual change can of course happen, but it is even better to have a friend on your side!”

Will you try joint “if-then” planning? Have you? I’ve always felt that speaking my plans aloud holds me accountable. If you make your friending plans as concrete as these “if-thens”–and you do it with a buddy– you’re sure to follow through. What do you think?

MWF Seeking BFF is available now, and I would be forever grateful if you might: 

Order a copy
Read an excerpt
Check out the latest press
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter
Send in a photo of MWF out in the wild

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about those “cool older girls” we all look up to/are terrified of in middle and high school. We all have them. When I was an eight-year-old at summer camp, these were the girls with hair down to there, big boobs, and a confidence that said they owned the place. In middle
and high school, they were the girls who were effortlessly flirty and comfortable around boys. They were, across the board, older, cooler, and kind of scary.

So it’s bizarre when you wake up one day as an adult and realize, suddenly, that you’re all just people.

I got an email the other day from a woman a couple of years younger than me with whom I went to middle school. She was so nice, saying she read MWF Seeking BFF and loved it, and admitted that, apparently, I was that older girl to her. I was shocked, as this is the first I’ve heard of anyone at all thinking I was intimidating or someone to look up to.

She went on to say that she wished she could travel back in time and tell her 11-year-old self that I would one day be looking for friends. Ha!

Yesterday I connected with another girl from my elementary school days, who told me she recently ended up at a birthday party with the older girls we were totally scared of once upon a time. “It was intimidating, still, but then made me realize we’re all in the same boat now that we’ve grown up.”

Friendship can be funny that way. As age gaps become less significant and the social hierarchy of high school fades, suddenly we realize we’re all just people, looking for companionship. We’re allowed to approach the older, super cool girls we once felt unworthy of talking to.

This actually happened to me recently– I talked to one of the summer camp girls I looked up to when we ran into each other at the airport. It was a perfectly adult, nice conversation.

And then I called Sara, squealing into the phone that “I talked to our 1992 captain!!!”

It’s hard to mature.

Know what I’m talking about? Did you have those cool older girls you looked up to as a kid? Ever reconnect with one as an adult and realize she’s just another person looking for friends?

Ever since doing my yearlong search, I find that my visits to New York City are filled with realizations about friendship. If my time in Chicago is a case study in budding relationships—how they form, what makes them thrive, what to do when they aren’t working out—then my trips to New York give lifer friendships, the ones you’ve had for a decade or more, the same treatment.

Over the past five days I’ve been in New York, I’ve realized that one of the things I love about longstanding friendships is the fact that you can call each other out on stuff. My oldest friends know everything about me—the good, the bad, the crazy—and I know they love me anyway. So when Sara calls me out on acting like an insecure loon, for example, I laugh and realize she’s right. I don’t get offended or embarrassed.

I’ve seen it happen over and over this weekend. Someone behaves in a way that is characteristically silly, and her pals acknowledge it—sometimes teasing, other times more constructively. Of course it’s a fine line. No one wants to be friends with someone who is constantly correcting her, but I like having BFFs who hold me accountable. I want a friend who will honestly tell me when I’m right and when I’m wrong.

Plus, it’s funny. When I’m at dinner and one girl makes a comment about a guy she’s dating and her BFF says “that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. You’re nuts,” that makes me laugh.

With new friends, call outs usually don’t happen. For a couple of reasons. First (and this actually makes the case for new friendships), we act like the best versions of ourselves with friends we don’t know as well. We try not to unleash the crazy. With new friends, we’re “on,” and that means we’re quite focused and conscious of how we’re behaving. With old friends, we’re so relaxed and so ourselves that sometimes we let our less-than-best selves show. I don’t mean our mean sides or anything… just the full picture. No one is perfect, and with old friends we don’t try to be.

Second of all, even if we do act wacky with new friends, we’re probably not yet at the place to call it out. If Sara told me I was going off the deep end, or somehow acting inappropriately, I’d take a good look at my behavior and likely try to change it. If someone new said as much, I’d probably go first to hurt/embarrassed/defensive.

I’ve seen it over and over this weekend. With me, with others, with groups of BFFs.

What do you think? Do you agree the act of “calling out” is the difference between old friends and new? I wonder how long a friendship needs to last before the call-outs start. Thoughts?

New Yorkers! I’ll be reading from MWF Seeking BFF tonight at The Half King (23rd & 10th) at 7 pm. I’d love to see you there. [Chicagoans: Thursday at The Book Cellar is next. Save the date!]