Category Archives: The Gender Gap

February 11, 2011 · 6:00 am

Can Men Write About Female Friendships?

The other day a friend sent me a link to an article on Empowher.com called “Do You Have Some Bad Friends? Fire Them!” When I clicked on the link I didn’t expect to see anything new, just the usual rundown of why certain friendships turn toxic and why doing a friendship cleanse can be the best thing for your emotional health.

Before I could dive into the text, I was struck by the story’s byline. It was written by a man. Not a psychologist or therapist or relationship expert. Just a guy.

To be fair, this author seems like a wonderful person who, according to his bio, was the caregiver to his wife during four bouts with breast cancer. He is the founder of an organization called The Patient/Partner Project and the author of a book called “Cancer for Two.” So it’s not like he’s some Joe Schmo off the street.

But still, my first thought when I saw his name was, “What could this guy know from BFF breakups?”

A lot of what Dave Balch writes is spot-on. Like, “the bottom line is that relationships with some friends are more stressful than they are beneficial.” And “we sometimes end romantic relationships when they no longer work; why is it so hard to end friendships when they no longer work?”

But then I came to this line, regarding the decision to dump a friend: “It only hurts for a little while.”

Here is what I have learned while writing this blog and hearing from women who have broken up with friends: It hurts for a long while.

This reaction to severed friendships is the most striking difference between men and women. Men have a really hard time wrapping their heads around how difficult it can be when two friends “separate.” To guys, it’s good riddance. While women are agonizing over what went wrong, and just how horribly guilty we feel (even when we know we did the right thing), men are wondering why we even broke up with said friend if we’re just going to weep over it all the time.

I’m not one to say that men shouldn’t write about women’s issues. One of the great friendship books I read last year, The Girls From Ames, was written by a man. But one of the great parts about that book was that author Jeffrey Zaslow addressed his vantage point as a female friendship “outsider” from the get-go. He was honest about the fact that, as a man, he couldn’t presume to truly understand female friendship without immersing himself in the research and the women he studied.

The author of this article clearly didn’t do anything wrong, and the advice he gives is pretty solid. But as I read the piece, with the caveat that it was from a man’s perspective in the back of my head, I couldn’t help but smile when he wrote: “It only hurts for a little while.” I’m still holding a grudge about the friend breakup from fourth grade. I know. Mature.

Ah, men. They just don’t get us.

Do you take issue when men write stories about female relationships?

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Filed under The Gender Gap, The Search

January 24, 2011 · 6:00 am

The Nicest Thing a Guy Can Do For His Friend Is Make Fun of Him

Yesterday was a big day for my husband. The Jets lost.

Matt is a die-hard New England Patriots fan. Considering the Jets beat the Pats last week, all Matt wanted was a Jets-free Super Bowl. (Yes, we live in Chicago, but Matt was raised in Boston. He has hometown loyalties.)

After the game, Matt and my brother-in-law (we spent the weekend in Cape Cod for my mother-in-law’s birthday) commenced texting every Jets fan they knew to give them a hard time. It was hard for us women to wrap our heads around.

“They’re your friends. Don’t you want them to be happy?” my sister-in-law asked.

“If you are truly good friends, you root against their teams,” Matt said.

This seems counter-intuitive, but it’s true, at least for my husband. I’ve watched Matt and his friends delight in sports-related smack talk in person, via email, via text. All of it. These kind of jabs are, in some twisted way, how men bond.

Male and female friendships are very different (How? Let me count the ways) but I think the most drastic discrepancy might be regarding this kind of communication.

Men tease and, often, both sides enjoy it. Women not so much.

Take wedding rehearsal dinners: The speeches from the groomsmen are very often more roast than toast. The guests are regaled with tales of drunken outings and other such shenanigans, which usually score a lot of laughs. Then the bridesmaids get up and, from what I have heard, usually say things like, “You’re so pretty and smart and I love you so much.”

I’m not saying women don’t have senses of humor. Obviously. But I do often think about the inconsistency in friendly adult teasing between men and women. I wonder about it because, for whatever reason, I often default to the male tendency. In emails, I’ll write something that I think is clever—a harmless poke at a friend—but delete it before hitting send for fear of offending someone. And then I’ll think to myself, “If I were a guy this would be fine. Encouraged, even.”

I know that Matt’s college friends—who maintain close contact through their fantasy football league listserv—basically take turns taking shots at each other. Matt thinks it’s hilarious and fun, even when he’s the butt of the joke. It only gives him more motivation to get back at the other guys later.

I’m not saying I wish women were like this. I’m plenty sensitive and would probably feel the sting if my friends picked on me all the time, no matter how friendly the intention. But I do wonder why friendly teasing (is that even the right word? I’m talking the well-intentioned adult kind, not the no-good playground bully variety) is such a bonding mechanism for men.

Have you ever noticed this gender difference in communication styles? Why do you think it is?

11 Comments

Filed under The Gender Gap

November 16, 2010 · 6:00 am

A Man’s World

In all the time I’ve written about having work BFFs, I’ve taken for granted one vital piece of information: I work with almost all women.

Every job I’ve held has been in an office inhabited predominantly by females. Such is the blessing (and, sometimes, curse) of working in editorial. Well, maybe not if you work at Popular Mechanics. Or Esquire. Or Field & Stream. Or Playboy. But if you hope to make your living at a women’s magazine or website, you better not have a girl-hate-girl complex.

In a largely female environment, finding a work BFF—or at least an office ally—is almost inevitable. Us women, we like to team up. Our business styles are historically embodied by collaboration and consultation. This style lends itself towards establishing relationships.

But what happens when you work primarily with men? Such is the case for many of my friends in business and finance. They want a work BFF—recall that those who report having a best friend at work are seven times more likely to be engaged in their job and those with three close friends at work are 96% more likely to be extremely satisfied with their lives—but find it tougher to connect on a personal level with their male colleagues.

I haven’t experienced this firsthand. But one friend told me her problems befriending her male coworkers are twofold:

{Side note: Over the weekend I watched the Friends episode where Chandler is in a box. This is just now occurring to me because the reasons he is in there are “threefold.” I really do love that show.}

1. Her coworkers love to talk about sports and cars. When they aren’t talking about work, it’s the local football team or some fancy new car thing that I can’t even specify here because that’s how little I know about cars.

2. Whenever she does start having friendly banter with her male colleagues, it toes the line of flirtation.

Of course, not all men talk solely about sports and cars. And, again of course, some women would love to talk about sports and cars. It just so happens that my friend is not one of them.

It should also go without saying, even though I’m about to say it, that not all conversations between men and women have a flirtatious undertone. But certainly in some cases the flirty repartee can develop and quickly become problematic.

My friend finds both of these factors—the guy-talk and the flirting—frustrating, but she deals with it. (To be quite clear, there is no sexual harassment here, just chatter that some might classify as flirtatious.) When she can, my 28-year-old friend chooses to hang out with her one female coworker, a 22-year-old with whom she has more in common than her 30-something male counterparts.

I’m not sure how I’d handle making work friends in a predominantly male workplace. Do you work with mostly men? How do you navigate office friendships?

13 Comments

Filed under BFFs and Work, The Gender Gap

October 27, 2010 · 6:00 am

The Hard Facts: Sister Act

It’s Research Wednesday! Where I share the latest, or most fascinating, in the science of friendship.

“Last year…the British psychologists Liz Wright and Tony Cassidy found that young people who had grown up with at least one sister tended to be happier and more optimistic, especially if their parents had divorced. Another British researcher, Judy Dunn, found a similar pattern among older adults.” (“Why Sisterly Chats Make People Happier,” The New York Times, 10/26/2010)

It seems I’m not the only person wondering about whether family can suffice as best friends. In an essay that became the Times’ most emailed article of the day yesterday, Deborah Tannen examines a collection of recent studies, all of which found that having sisters will make you happier, no matter your gender.

But why? Tannen argues it’s not the type of communicating women do—our face-to-face emotional gabfest isn’t any better or more productive than male side-by-side bonding—but the frequency with which we do it.

There’s plenty of similar research about cross-gender friendships. Both men and women get more emotional satisfaction and support out of relationships with female friends. It’s time with the ladies that determines our loneliness factor. If Tannen’s reasons are correct—if we like sisters better because they’re willing to talk a lot—then the same could likely be said of female friends. We women have the whole relationship thing down pat.

I wonder if I would be less aggressive about this search if I had a sister of my own. The ultimate BFF is probably one who is more like family than friend. But that’s not what this search is about. At least not for me.

I’m not trying to recreate a sibling relationship because I already have a great one. Maybe I’m the exception to the rule, but I talk to my brother all the time. Almost every day, if gchatting and instant messenger count. We rarely talk about feelings, and when we do there’s always an air of awkwardness, but we don’t have to. We can read emotions without addressing them. Instead we talk about mutual friends, family, TV, and general observations about the world.

As I’ve said previously, my sibling relationship can’t replace what I am looking for in a BFF. But maybe I’d change my tune if I had a sister waiting in the wings. Tannen sure paints a nice picture.

If you have a sister, do you talk to her often? Do you talk about feelings more than activities? If you have a brother, do you wish you spoke more? Is one more eligible for friendship than the other?

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Filed under The Gender Gap

October 4, 2010 · 6:00 am

Girl-Hate-Girl Action

When I tell other women about my current plight, most nod their heads in agreement. They can usually relate in some capacity. Maybe they too have relocated. Perhaps they’ve been left behind by friends who’ve gotten married and moved to the suburbs. It could be that everyone in their lives has stayed put but friendships are simply changing as people get older and busier. There are few people who simply say “Nope, don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

Few, but not none.

The women who seem most confused by my story are the ones who report not understanding female friendship in the first place. “I’ve never been able to be friends with girls,” they’ll say. “I’m a guy’s gal.”

I’ve never known what to make of this claim. Women who state that they “don’t like other girls” and “can only be friends with men” kind of baffle me.

Yes, I know all about toxic friendships. I’ve been on the receiving end of notes from mean girls, and I’m not ruling out the possibility that someone out there has cast me as the Regina George of her childhood. Girls can be tough on each other. We can be competitive and catty and jealous. Friendships might come with baggage.

But we can also be smart and insightful and funny and empathetic and silly and adventurous, and “I hate girly things like shopping” is not an acceptable reason to write off the entire gender.

I have a friend who once told me that she doesn’t believe any woman who says she can’t be friends with other girls. “It just means that woman is a bitch,” she says. I’m not necessarily endorsing that theory, just reporting. Don’t kill the messenger.

My guess is that any woman who says she can’t be friends with other women is, in fact, friends with other women. She probably has one or two girl friends that she’d describe as “not your typical girls.” Maybe they all think they can’t be friends with women. The three of them are just anomalies who happened to find each other.

Ladies who say “I can’t be friends with women” should probably revise their statements to say “I can’t be friends with that woman or that woman.” And everyone has someone they can’t be friends with. We can’t all be BFFs. Or even FFs. Or Fs. Some people aren’t going to get along—not because one woman hates girls and the other is a girl, but because, maybe, one thinks the other is superficial while the other thinks the one is self-righteous. For example.

Have you ever met a woman who claimed she just didn’t like being friends with women? Do you believe her? Why do you think she makes that claim? And, if you’re a lady who can’t stand female friendships, why? I’d love some insight…

25 Comments

Filed under The Gender Gap, The Search

August 30, 2010 · 6:00 am

The Ex-Factor

I’m a little (though not totally) embarrassed to say that I spent some time watching Jersey Shore this weekend. On the episode in question, Sammi and Ronnie are dating, or were dating, or might be dating. From what I can tell, they’re actually in the midst of breaking up. It’s a lot of drama that includes tears, screaming, and “anonymous” letters about Ronnie’s two-timing ways.

It got me thinking about the ridiculousness of having to live in the same space as an ex-boyfriend. If you ask me, it’s bad enough trying to be friends with one.

I am generally of the belief that it’s impossible to stay friends with an ex. There’s so often residual sexual tension, and jealousy, and unresolved emotions (fights that still sting, hearts still healing, you know the drill). Though, now that I think about it, I am friends with an ex of my own. But we only dated for a very short while, and it took a little bit of time—and both moving on to other people—before we could get there.

Maybe that’s the secret? You can be friends once you’ve both found your bigger and better?

Or maybe it’s the separation thing. I have friends who, while they are going through breakups, tell me that they and the guys are still talking because they are “trying to remain friends.” If I could shake them through the phone I would. A person needs a little breathing room. Even if the friendship will be possible eventually, time away is of the essence.

The devil’s advocate in me won’t shut up about ex-couple friends of mine. They dated through high school and college, have since broken up, but have been pretty good friends ever since. I’ve asked them both how they do it, and neither seems to have the secret. “I don’t know,” they’ll both say. “We just do.” Helpful.

We’ve already discussed whether you can stay friends with a friend’s ex. But can you stay friends with an ex? The rational part of me says no. But the part that learns by example says maybe.

Thoughts?

{I usually don’t believe in made-up celebratory occasions like “National Pretzel Day” and “National Romance Month.” But it seems worth mentioning that some blogs I’m lucky to be acquainted with (all about friendship in various forms) are celebrating September as “The Month of Friendship.” This week, each of the five participating members are writing and sharing blog posts. We each take a very different approach to the issues surrounding these complicated relationships, so if you’re interested, go see what they have to say. Today, Debba from Girlfriendology writes about the origins of the celebration.)

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Filed under The Gender Gap

July 26, 2010 · 6:00 am

The Male Perspective

I’m on vacation this week, so thought it would be fun to get input on my search from the people witnessing it first hand. Below, my terribly witty husband reflects on how The Quest has affected our marriage so far.

So my wife writes this blog.  Or so I hear.  We don’t really see each other all that much in this, our first year of marriage. I guess it makes sense then that our relationship couldn’t be better, which might be surprising considering that she decided to embark on a BFF-quest all of four months after our nuptials. Um, chello?? BFF-quest? Hi wife, this is your husband. I was hoping we could maybe be BFFs for a little while. Or, like, eternity.

I joke. From Day One I’ve been hugely supportive of The Quest. I chuckle when people tell Rachel that I should be her BFF and that her search is only a sign that we have a doomed marriage. Rachel and I were BFFs for two years before we officially started dating. (Obvi we were “friends,” slightly more than pals, for most of those two years—but our relationship for sure began via friendship.) She’s no longer my BFF. She’s my partner. My wife. The female version of me. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. She’s my most comfortable place. But she ain’t my BFF.

Female BFFs talk about hair, menstruation, wedding showers, Tyler Lautner [Editor’s note: That he calls him “Tyler” says it all], and other barely legal teenage boy wonders. They talk about innately female BS (OMG! I’m so insensitive) that the male simply cannot relate to. And this is what Rachel was lacking when we moved to Chicago together from the East Coast after doing the fun long-distance thing for three years. It was different for me. (A) I had two of my BFFs (woah, that is not a manly way to describe a best friend) here in Chicago from our college days. (B) I don’t have that mysterious female need to gab about god-knows-what for hours on end.

Thus The Quest ensued. And six months in, Rachel is a noticeably happier person. She’s always been a happy person, honestly. But you can tell she’s even more satisfied (wow, this has been an emasculating post), more complete, now that she has more female friends in her life that live in her city. So Rachel’s happier, which means I’m happier, which means our relationship is happier (albeit we’ve had a pretty good thing going for quite some time). Do you have a husband, boyfriend, or some other similarly insignificant male presence in your life? Show him this post. It might benefit you both more than you’d think. And, on a separate but related note, how awesome is my wife?

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Filed under BFFs and Marriage, The Gender Gap

July 20, 2010 · 6:00 am

Is A Guy-Friend’s Ex Off Limits?

We’ve discussed the When Harry Met Sally debate. You know, the one about men and women and “just friends.” For the sake of this post, let’s all agree, just for a moment, that the answer is yes: Men and women can be friends. (If you strongly disagree please elaborate below, or comment on the original post.)

Okay. We’re taking this as fact. So let’s say you have a group of great guy friends. And one of these guys starts dating an awesome girl. BFF material, no question. And then, let’s say, your guy friend breaks up with said girl. (For the record, this didn’t happen to me. It happened to a girl I know. Yes, I know how that sounds—No, these condoms aren’t for me, they’re for my, uh, friend—but I’m no liar.) What do you do?

Friendship etiquette says that when a buddy breaks up with someone, you do too. One of the greatest complications of long-term relationship splits is who gets custody of the amigos. (Cue Ross and Rachel reference.) But this situation is a bit dicier. You haven’t been friends with the girl a long time, but you see her potential. It’s as if you’re Michael Jordan and she could be your Scottie Pippen. Or maybe she could be the Elephaba to your Glinda. (Take whichever comparison speaks to you and run with it…) Together you’d be more than the sum of your parts.

But then she and your friend break up. Can you still pursue the friendship? I’m not sure.

First you need to consider the circumstances of the break. Did she cheat on him? If so, say goodbye. You can’t be wooing some girl who wronged your friend. Did he cheat on her? You still might say goodbye, lest you find yourself in some awkward situation where she’s badmouthing your pal and you don’t know what to say. Not to mention that if he cheated she might want nothing to do with his friends, including you.

What if it was an amicable-enough breakup? They’re not going to try and be friends (because that’s crazytalk), but they don’t hate each other either. Can you keep up the friending?

I want to think a great guy friend—if he knew you were on the BFF prowl—would be ok with it. But the more I run different scenarios in my head, the more I’m convinced it’s an impossible feat. Staying friends with a friend’s ex is almost as hard as staying friends with an ex. There’s always that awkwardness of not wanting to mention one in front of the other. Being unsure of what’s okay to say, and what’s off limits. Though men might have the reputation for being less sensitive when it comes to breakups, I’m not convinced that’s true.

What do you think? There’s no hard and fast rule here—so many circumstantial factors come into play—but if you had to generalize, can you pursue BFF bliss with a guy friend’s ex?

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Filed under The Gender Gap

May 17, 2010 · 6:00 am

What a Boy Wants

My husband’s oldest and best friend was in town this weekend. He came not only to visit Matt but because another of their childhood friends was in town for a bachelor party. That friend, a Marine, is deploying in a few days, so the weekend became a farewell extravaganza of sorts.

I’ve almost never seen Matt as happy as when he’s with his BFFs (though he would never call them that). I’d love to say it’s similar to the sheer bliss in his eyes every time he gazes my way, but come on. He loves me lots, but there are different types of joy. The look in his eyes when he’s with these guys—friends he’s known and trusted and laughed with all his life—is the same mix of comfort and wonderment and affection that stares out at me from photographs taken on the little league field at 7 or on their way to prom at 17.

There’s no question that male friendships are different. Men would rather engage in side-to-side activities—watching a football game, playing a round of golf—than have face-to-face talks. And when it comes to serious emotional discussions, research shows both genders turn to women first. But just as I yearn for girl-time so I’ll have someone to talk and talk and analyze and then talk some more with, Matt devours the time he gets with those he doesn’t have to talk, talk, analyze, and talk with. Women want friends who’ll help confront problems, men want friends who’ll help escape them.

Watching Matt this weekend, it was a necessary reminder that I’m not the only one in this marriage who needs friend time. My husband may not be on a best friend search, but that doesn’t mean those relationships aren’t vital for him (he has great local friends, but if I find a new friend with a husband that would be perfect for him, I’m sure he’d be open to that). Men and women, we both lust for friendship, if for different reasons. And I must say, there’s something magical about how unspoken great male friendships really are. That Matt and his best friends know they’ll have each other’s backs, always, without so much as one word to say as much? Well sure, I’m a little jealous.

Do you believe men long for friendship as much as women do? Is the difference merely what that friendship entails? Have you ever witnessed male friendship in action and felt just the teensiest bit of envy? And, to all the (perhaps few) men in the audience, would you say you look to women for support and men for escape? Or are escape and support one and the same?

24 Comments

Filed under BFFs and Marriage, The Gender Gap

May 7, 2010 · 6:00 am

Someone’s in the Kitchen with Rachel

Tonight Matt and I are taking a cooking class. My husband’s  not much one for cooking—though he makes a mean smoothie and should probably patent his granola concoctions—but we got a gift certificate for our wedding and this session is Italian food (Pasta with clam sauce! Cannolis!), so I was able to twist his arm.  These classes call for four chefs to a station, which means we’ll be paired with another couple. I’ve already warned Matt that we need to time our arrival perfectly—we don’t want to be too late because I want to scope out the couple we’re paired with, but we don’t want to be too early either, lest we be the scopees rather than scopers.

If we do end up spotting a really promising-looking couple, I’m a little scared my enthusiasm for the potential new friends might turn us into the Heffernans in this King of Queens clip—I, of course, being the Kevin James of our duo (if you’re reading this in an email or RSS feed you’ll have to click through to see this video… Do it! It’s worth it):

Yes, I would be the one all “Hi, I’m Rachel. You like to cook? I have a stove! Come over! We’ve got enough aprons for everyone!” Matt would be the one hiding. Inside the oven.

So as to save me from embarassment and divorce, let’s decide now what I should do. I’m thinking perhaps save the movie and Olive Garden invitations for another time. Start small, perhaps go business card again. I’ll do the number exchanging with the female half of the couple. Guys seem to think friendship advances are creepier than women do. Unless he’s a Red Sox fan, in which case he and Matt will be bonded for life. And we’ll all live happily ever after.

Got any advice for what I should say tonight to avoid turning into Kevin James? And what should he have done in this scene, anyway? Was there any way to make the move without prompting a restraining order? Please rescript this trip to Home Depot, or let me know if you have any brilliant ideas for tonight. I promise to keep you posted on the flip side.

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Filed under Everything I Know I Learned on TV, Pickup Lines, The Gender Gap, The Search