I am a married white female searching for a best friend forever.
I have two lifelong BFFs, Sara and Callie, who I met when I was 10 and 14, at camp and high school respectively. I have seven super-close friends from college. I have dear pals from high school whose weddings I’d never miss and babies (well, so far there’s only one baby) I’m dying to meet. There is no shortage of shoulders to cry on. Here’s the catch: I live in Chicago. Sara and Callie live in New York City. My Northwestern roommates live in Boston, San Francisco, New York, and St. Louis. The high schoolers are in D.C. and (you guessed it), Manhattan. My closest friends are everywhere but here.
I moved to Chicago with my now-husband after we both decided a long-distance relationship (he was at law school in Philly, I was working in New York) just wouldn’t do. We’ve been here for nearly three years and in that time have made a few friends. Primarily couples, with whom we catch up over dinner every few months. But on a Sunday morning when I want to grab an omelette over girl talk, I’m at a loss. My Chicago friends are the let’s-get-dinner-on-the-books-a-month-in-advance type. I’m looking for someone to invite over to watch The Biggest Loser or to text “pedicure in half an hour?” on a Saturday morning. To me, that’s what BFFs are. Not just people who know your innermost secrets, but the ones up for grabbing a bite on a whim because they love being with you just that much, and getting together feels easy and natural rather than a chore you need to pencil in.
So I’m on the hunt for Miss Right. A person who can fill the one void in the otherwise great life I’ve set up in the Windy City. I always thought friendships blossom naturally, like at summer camp and in school. In the grown-up world, apparently this isn’t the case. So I’m taking matters in my own hands.
This blog chronicles my quest.
I love your blog! I wrote a two-part series last year about desperatly seeking a playdate (for ME!) and it reminds me of your BFF search! If you want to check it out, it’s at: janeSuter.com.
I wish you great success in your search; It is so hard to find that perfect someone.
Love your blog
I popped on over here after reading your comment at Ivy League Insecurities. I think this is a true problem that many women have today…unfortunately, I think it just gets harder and harder! This morning I played outside with my four little ones for over two hours…walked around the block, to the park, etc. etc. The ONLY people I saw passed by me in cars…sometimes I feel like I’m not only looking for a BFF, I’m looking for anyone!!!!
This is so interesting to me…like Rachel I relocated and have been struggling to make new friends. And like Janelle, I feel totally alone; walking around looking for anyone. In my area most women have children and I’ve gotten the feeling there’s a club I’ve not been given the keys to. Janelle, I’m surprised you are having trouble meeting women due to the fact you have children. Just goes to show it happens to all of us, no matter our situation. I hope that in the year and a half since your post you have found at least one loyal and true friend. My search continues!
Janelle. You are so not alone. I think every woman looking for a bff- feels like she is the only one and is too embarrassed to admit it- now I’m not!
Rachel,
I am so glad that I found your blog. I found you through Embrace the Detour. I can relate to your posts. After living in Texas all of my life, we moved to Phoenix eight months ago. I am fascinated with the subject of friendships. I’ve found it is certainly hard trying to find that BFF in a new city. It is difficult inserting yourself in someone else’s history.
I look forward to reading more of your posts. Nice to meet you.
Rudri @ http://www.beingrudri.com
Love this blog! I can totally relate to the feeling of not having your close friends around anymore. For me, they live in the same city… but they all have small children and lives that now revolve around them… While we still love to see each other, it’s once every 3 months at best. And that can feel pretty lonely!
Good luck in your search for a new BFF – I look forward to following your adventures as they unfold.
OMG That is all I can say! I thought I was crazy because I feel exactly like you do. Oh Rachel if I were in Chicago we’d be on the way to that morning snack with just a few minutes to get ready. I’m a teacher in South Florida and I also have friends but not that BFF. I would love it if you replied to this, but understand if you are too busy. I will continue to read your blog and wish you luck finding your BFF.
Debbie @ gfan7@aol.com
I am enjoying reading your blog… it is hard to find a good girl friend… even harder when they are married. Good Luck with your search.
I’m so glad I discovered your blog (featured on AOL). I moved to Chicago almost 5 years ago and found it hard to make friends. The difference is, I have children. I never would have thought it would be that hard to make friends with other mothers. OMGosh, it’s been the hardest thing ever! I have found a friend that I see once in a blue moon (our children are great friends), but we live on opposite sides of Chicagoland.
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I love the philosophy behind this blog! It is so much harder to find friends in adulthood. I am looking forward to reading about your quest and would love to have you contribute a piece for the Lasting Impressions series on my blog!
Hi Rachel,
I’m learning that you need to find groups or causes in which you believe and join. Network and meet people with common interests. I just started doing that and it’s resulting in new friends and helping my business as well. It took a mentor through an organization to get me away from the computer and my own blog, out of the house and into the world. Good luck in your quest. If I can help just let me know.
This is one of the most validating things I have ever read! Friends have always been central to my existence and I took it for granted that I would always make friends easily and have many friends in my life. In a sense, I do but they are all over the country. Since moving to Washington, DC with my husband ten years ago, I have struggled terribly with my lack of local best friends. My independent consulting work keeps me extremely busy, which is an impediment to making time for friendships. However, I have been horrified by my BFF “dating” attempts. Most of the women I meet have children, which means we lack that connection and it is hard to find common ground. But even with women who don’t have children, I find it hard to find the “tie that binds,” which always existed through school or work up until now. The biggest problem is that I now find myself feeling very insecure and needy when I meet a potential BFF, as if my circumstantial lack of friends has through into question my lifelong ability to be “good” at making friends. I’m sure that I sabotage these budding relationships in some way.
So thank you for starting this blog and helping me to feel less alone in my quest for local BFFs!
Ten years ago I moved from Toronto, Canada to England. I’m still looking for a BF over here. I think part of the problem might be that for the first few years I clung to my Canadian friends – I didn’t try hard enough to put down roots here. So I admire your targeted approach. You go girl!
I’m just delighted to have found your blog since I’m in the same position (in Seattle, though, not Chicago). I have one good friend here, but she doesn’t live close enough for the really spontaneous get togethers, and I’ve realized that what I’m looking for is a little circle of maybe 4 or 5 of us. Don’t know how one builds that, but I’m thinking about it and working on it. It will be inspiring to follow your journey as I go on my own.
I would love to have a friend date with you! Are you accepting applications for this BFF thing? Email me! (I promise I’m not creepy)
Article in the New York Times today on trends in dating, about a site called howaboutwe.com. It’s currently only in NYC, and only for romantic dates, but I think it would be an excellent tool for finding new girl friends. Check it out, then if you agree with me, add some feedback telling the creators so. And let’s hope the site expands to other cities soon!
omg, it’s as if we are walking in the same footsteps…cause i moved out to new york/new jersey (weehawken) and i can’t maintain friends out here to save a life. i can connect you with a friend of mine, she is such as wonderful person. she knows people from everywhere. i moved to the east coast 10 years ago and it took me a while to get my footing and i made some good friends and then boom, i don’t have a one anymore. like u, we are trying to figure out what we are doing wrong, i just think that adults are not as carefree about meeting new people but it is what it is and all we can do is keep trying to meet new people.
sometimes, i feel as if i am so alone and just waiting for someone to pop up into my life and just take me in and be my friend. is it that more complicated as an adult? everyone is either already established with their group of friends or just want want to bother or are so guarded.
i don’t think its that complex but what do i know, after 10 years i have yet to find a nice small group of friends to call my own.
good luck and i’m completely rooting for you! it will happen because we both have to have faith right!
juanita…and good luck in my hometown, its a great city!
not only is it hard to find friends when you move when you are younger, it is difficult to find friends when you move with kids, especially when the kids are older since everyone has made their clicks in that direction as well.
Hi Rachel! I’m enjoying reading your blogs! I can relate in terms of moving away from all of my girls in MI to be with my hubby in Cali (job offer too).
About 3 years ago, I joined meetup.com. It is AWESOME! I’ve met so many cool people. We go out for dinners, movies, pedicures, art festivals, concerts, game nights and the list goes on and on.
I hope you check out that site and end up meeting people you relate too!
Have a nice day!
Jamie
Jamie, I’m a big fan of Meetup.com as well. I’ve met some wonderful women through Meetups. It’s nice when the Meetups form a core group instead of new people all the time so you get to know each other better. I’m wondering if we’re meant to have a larger group of close friends to help us in different areas of our life instead of one BFF who does it all.
omg…feeling the same way in DC….2 years and the only decent friend ive made is moving….i have great guy friends but of course they are like brothers and drive me crazy sometime!! i just want to talk about satc, shoes, art, films, dancy music, etc… it just sucks. if i had friends in chicago i would set you up with them.
meetup didnt work for me…i think its a great concept but i prefer small intimate groups for better getting to know people and it seemed like a dating service at times…yikes!
good luck girly!
I’m so glad I discovered your blog (featured on AOL). I moved to Chicago almost 5 years ago and found it hard to make friends. The difference is, I have children. I never would have thought it would be that hard to make friends with other mothers. OMGosh, it’s been the hardest thing ever! I have found a friend that I see once in a blue moon (our children are great friends), but we live on opposite sides of Chicagoland.
So glad to hear other people are having the same issues as me! I’m a young fun girl looking to hang out with gal pals to do girly things. I love my husband and he is definitely my one true bff, but nothing beats a girl bff!
I find that as a gay man, and maybe, probably straight men have the same problems. How do you meet new people as friends, besides the obvious routes of mutual friends or volunteering. I guess I relate closer to women as gay men bond differently than straight men, at times I should say.
David
Try team environments….Chicago Single Softball Sundays or Chicago Sport and Social Club which offers a large variety of team options year round. You don’t have to be good, just willing to have fun and meet people.
My two best friends are married, with kids, and live 1-2 hours from me. I would love to have a ‘let’s do something last second’ buddy where advance planning isn’t always required. I’m 34, outgoing, well-ish traveled, went to Northwestern grad school, work in pharma sales, live on the north side in Andersonville. Goodness, I feel like I’m on Match.com
Hi Janice – we may be a match! Don’t think I’m a weirdo but I too work in pharma sales and am well-traveled. I’m moving to Chicago (from NYC) on July 30th to Lakeshore East. The only person I will know is my boyfriend – who will be extremely busy in residency. Please email me if you ever want to meet up!
Thank you I am not a weirdo!
Your blog is totally relatable.
I am someone who is still living in the city where I went to college but my college friends have all moved away. It is depressing to not have friends to go shopping with, get pedicures, or have dinners & drinks.
I was really excited to come across your article on AOL a short while ago! I had 2 best friends, and for various reasons, needed to let them both go. I’ve met a variety of people since them, and none has turned into a bff or anything close to it. I think if I had other things to occupy my time, it wouldn’t bother me as much, but I’m going through a hard time right now and could really use a bff, and there’s nobody there. So, I definitely get where you’re coming from, and it’s nice to know I’m not the only person out there seeking what I like to call a “sister-friend.” Good luck in your search!
Love reading your articles and especially the one about finding bff’s.
My biggest problem is the fact that I currently live in a small town with not a lot of opportunities to join in with others. All the action is in Austin TX, which is a little over an hour away from me now, where I moved from several years ago. The other thing is the fact that I am 45 with no kids and do not work outside the home. It’s difficult finding friends that are in my same situation. The ones my age usually all work and the ones that are younger all have kids and are extremely busy with keeping up with them.
I just moved to PA with my GF who is also attending Law school here. I am the most co-dependent social person ever. Up until now however, I’ve always had groups of friends who all knew each other and who all got along. Starting over with out one life line to grab on to has been one of the most difficult things I’ve done (and I’ve gotten lost in China with no money and no grasp of the language) so I took your advice and let all my friends know that I was looking for some local buds, and to introduce me to anyone they knew in my area. Crossing my fingers.
Thank you for having this blog. It was mentioned on AOL News so I had to find out more. I moved out of the Midwest 2 years ago to the South and have been having a hard time adjusting to the no BFF issue. I’m a very spontaneous person and love to just get up and go and people down here are not like that. I’ve joined a book club, a bunko club, and do volunteer work to no avail. You have given me new inspiration to continue my trek. Thank you from my empty BFF heart.
Just saw the article about you on lemondrop. Holy poop your blog is funny and totally relatable! My one ‘best’ girlfriend who still lives in the chicago area is in naperville now with her hubs and baby, and might as well be half a world away because i hardly see her anymore. We were totally just complaining about this topic to each other yesterday!
I have to add though, that I kind of think it is even harder for men to make friends. My husband (originally from NC) can attest to that!
Good luck in your quest. In the meantime, I am seriously considering getting knocked up and moving to the burbs so I can be near my friend!
Hi Rachel,
My friend sent me your article because of our parallels. I am living out my final week in NYC before my big move to Chicago. I’ve been spending several happy hours pondering how I’ll make a single BFF in chi-town – all my friends here assure me it will be easy. But I know the truth. If you ever need a pedicure date – please email me!!!
Kelly
It is truly hard to make new friends, to create new bonds and to find someone you can have spontaneous fun with. Are we expecting too much as adults? Our lives are different now, the demands are greater. We are very distracted with all our multitasking. Maybe as we get older we need to change our expectations as to what defines a BFF?
I love love this blog! I was afraid that I was the only one that felt this way. I moved to a big city after living in a small town my whole life to be with my husband. Our town was so small that everywhere you went people knew you and knew what you did all the time. You could sneeze and the dj on the radio would say bless you! Moving to the city meant leaving everyone we knew behind…that was not a bad idea! We loved going shopping, eating out, going to the bank…whatever! and not knowing a single person! We loved this for a good many years! Until recently…I miss hanging out with girls, going shopping or to a girly movie, talking on the phone nonstop, exchaning recipes and advice. Maybe I am too late. Maybe I am too old. I felt like a sad Lifetime Movie until I read your blog! Thank you for letting me know I am not alone…well, I AM alone but not CYBERLY alone! LOL Thanks and keep up the great work. When you find what works for you keep me informed!
Hi Rachel! So I found your blog from an article a FB friend had posted….and I am so glad! I seriously stalked your blog for like a month to catch up from the beginning. I now feel like a normal person just reading the blogs as you send them out. I am in the same boat as you. I moved out of state to Boston with my then boyfriend to then move here to Chicago (we are getting married in a month). Your blog is helping me stay connected with my current friendships and is helping me with making my new Chicago friends to be closer ones! I am still missing the BFF here (within walking distance preferred or a close drive or L stop). I do find that I am picky when looking for a BFF or a great couple friend-set, however I am totally not picky with the occasional hangout friend. Keep it up…totally makes my day!
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Check it out –
http://chicago.timeout.com/articles/museums-culture/88222/meet-joe-friend-finder-service
This guy is charging money to introduce people to new friends! I just read this and immediately thought of your blog.
Too bad I moved away from Chicago last year, you and the project sound like great fun. Wishing you well!
Have kids and all your BFF problems will solve themselves.
Rachel, I’m an old(and I do mean old) friend of Matt’s family. Jane sent me the link to your blog, and I am thoroughly enjoying reading it. It is entertaining and thought provoking at the same time. I believe in the power of female bff’s, and am very lucky to have a few. Keep writing, and good luck with your book. Please send my love to Matt!
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I’ve recently been written off by my local BFF of 10 years. Since my college BFF, my freshman year roommate, is a 3-4 hr. drive from my southern Missouri home, I can relate to your need for a new local girlfriend.
Ok this blog is exactly what I need. Thank you for making me not think I’m a friendless weirdo. I’m in the same boat- just moved to Chicago in June with my significant other and have zero close friends. If you’re ever in the Andersonville neighborhood, and see a mid-twenties girl eating crepes at Icosium by herself- it’s probably me! And yes, I’m posting this on a Saturday night…
Rachel,
I am so happy I came across this site. Like many others I have been in search for my “female soulmate”. I lost my best friend of 15 years this past summer to an argument she refuses to forgive me for. I find it very hard, living in the North East, to establish new relationships with woman. It is like reliving my high school years all over again. Maybe through reading your blog I will gain enough confidence to reach out and find that special friend. Thank you for what your are doing! You have a new fan and friend
It’s so hard to make friends as an adult. Especially if you are married, and you want to have a friend who isn’t necessarily the wife of someone your husband wants to be friends with also. It gets even worse if you have kids, and your only source of friends become other married couples with kids your age. I am glad I stumbled across your blog…I have very good friends scattered all over the globe, and it gets lonely sometimes…
So glad I found your site! I thought maybe it was just me, that I’m the only socially backward person in the world who doesn’t know how to make friends anymore. It’s hard when you’re at a different stage of life than the people you used to hang out with. When I was married and our kids were young, we had other people in the same stage with us who’s kids would play with ours. Now I’m divorced with older teenagers with lives of their own and it’s just… different. Now I don’t feel so alone in my search for new friends.
Thanks!
I haven’t read any of your blog yet, but it looks like it will be good
Sorry for the double post and the capital letters (I don’t usually use them):
WHY DID I NOT DISCOVER YOUR BLOG (or something similar) TEN YEARS AGO? It’s awesome!
you are basically living my life. i’m in chi town to, well the burbs. my bestie is in atl and that’s it, no more people I can just pop by their house and have tea with and watch some horrible show for a couple of hours not to speak hardly with and then leave feeling relieved to have my best friend!
I found your blog through my friend Rudri’s blog. I recently moved back to my hometown, and most of my friends are no longer here. Recently, I have been re-evaluating my friendships and your blog made me realize that a BFF is exactly what I’m missing. I just read your essay “Making the First Move” and I will be trying some of your tips. I might even join Facebook, although I’ve fought the trend until now. Thanks, and I look forward to reading your blog!
I know what you mean. Moved to Chicago from another country at age 15, but Undergrad & grad school at Loyola (along with the universality of the Catholic Church) eventually eased the way into a new culture. More graduate schooling at UNC and heavy church involvement (through which I met my husband), made the 10 years in Chapel Hill feel like they really were spent in “the Southern Part of Heaven.” Then, five years ago, we moved to Tampa. In of culture shock and difficulty making friends, I felt once again like a 15-year old who’d just moved to a new country: Tampa is ugly compared to Chapel Hill, the intellectual stimulation that comes with being in a university town is sorely lacking and the women (with one exception), tend to be very cold and cliquish (they all grew up here). Until recently, that is. Now that I’ve joined a new group at a new church, I see some girlfriend possibilities. Good luck with your search. I look forward to keeping up with your blog.
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A co-worker told me about your blog! I can totally relate. I moved to MD to be with my boyfriend (now husband) and it’s been so hard to make friends. I have “mom friends” who I schedule playdates with…but I need a Ms. Right too
I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one having a hard time making adult friends…. 
Where in MD Sandra? I’ve been here nearly a year and so far, no luck! I recently joined a gym in hopes of finding common interests there. I see friend potential in everyone these days. So far, everyone I’ve met has kids and they don’t seem interested without kids in common. Good luck to you.
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Love the idea of your blog – so much fun. Hope you find your BFF. If not, enjoy the one you see in your mirror every day
hi….ughh i have had a bestfriend in the seventh grade but my mom moves alot so im always exchangeing schools..it sucks really bad….and id find old friends on facebook,but i guess they forgot about me
I moved to Chicago, and then moved back home to California because it was so hard to make friends in Chicago. Everyone had to have everything planned out, and no one was ever up for just a little random adventure. I am impressed with your tenacity to find new friends, and your ability to get your stories published. There may be a chance I may be moving back to Chicago in a few years…perhaps then we can meet up. On a whim, of course.
Thanks for reading Kristen! The random on-a-whim adventures are so hard to come by, but so much fun….
Just found your blog. I feel very similar about having close friends everywhere but here. I am actually originally from Chicago, went to school in Wisconsin and am now in Boston for grad school. I’ve been here for a little over 2 years and find it difficult to find places to meet new people and miss having my best friends near by. Very excited i found your blog!
I just found your blog too, I actually found it through Gretchen Rubin’s website. And as a result, I picked up a copy of your book. live in Canada, and have lived in a small town for 7 years. I have friends there, but not the kind that you can just call last minute to go to a movie, breakfast, to watch a show, etc. I am on a quest this year to find a new BFF in my town. It is not easy to get motivated, but I think this year will be my year. Finding your blog and book was a sign! Thanks Rachel!
Hi to all the wonderful women posting here. Rachel, I just found your blog from The RetailMeNot Insider. I too have felt for such a long time like I’ve been on the outside of some picture window looking onto a gathering I’m not a part of and never will be. I’ve longed for close women friends that I can share a laugh, a hug, a cry or be able to bear my soul to. I have a husband of 24 years and three dogs. My husband’s wonderful and the dogs give me unconditional love (and they never spill my secrets) …. but, it just isn’t the same as the bonds women share with one another. I have two BFFs. B. is my age and we’ve been friends for over 40 years. We’ve had ups and downs, but have always managed to sort our differences and remain fast friends. I love B. like a sister. L. is my other BFF and she’s a good deal younger than me. We’ve been friends for 7 years and she’s like the little sister I never had. I feel so blessed to have these two wonderful women in my life, but one lives in another state and the other is overseas; I’m just so lonely a lot. I don’t know how to make friends and when i put myself out there, it feels like I’m in high school all over again. I’m simply amazed how mid-life adults still as if they’re still in high school. Am I trying to hard? Not enough? What’s wrong with me? And I tell myself it’s not me, it’s them, but either way it doesn’t get me more friends which is all I’m looking for. I’m encouraged to learn I’m not alone or pathetic for wanting friends .
Hi Rachel! I’m looking forward to reading your book with my book club. I chose your book as my selection because as new transplant to the South, I encountered the same thing.
Would you consider posting a list of discussion questions, based on the book, that I could use for my book club? Maybe 10 or so questions that could really garner some in-depth discussion about the book and female friendships as a whole. Our next meeting is in March.
Also, if anyone else has created any discussion questions about this book that could be used for a book club, please post here as well.
Thanks kindly.
Hellu!
.
I’ve just finished your book (loved it
I was really jazzed to see the books recommended section. Today, I had mentioned this list to a friend and offered to share it with her. Seeking out the back matter at Amazon, I got bupkas. However, I was able to get bib. info from Google Books. So, fwiw, your work is now web immortalized!
Cheers,
gina
Hellu!
.
I’ve just finished your book (loved it
I was really jazzed to see its books recommended section. Today, I had mentioned this list to a friend and offered to share it with her. Seeking out the back matter at Amazon, I got bupkas. However, I was able to get bib. info from Google Books. So, fwiw, your work is now web immortalized!
Cheers,
gina
I just scrolled through your comments, hoping to see one left from a woman in my area (Milwaukee.) When the kids were little, socializing was natural/daily. Now that they’re gone it’s different. Combine that with the fact I work at home and moved to a new area, and it’s a Seeking BFF situation! Thanks for the book and the blog. Well done.
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I can see you hear this a lot, but you are SPOT ON! I didn’t even have to move, but suddenly find I am in life circumstances where I’m without people to just call up and do stuff! Thanks for your blog! Looking forward to reading more over time.
I just finished reading your book; it was great! I will probably leaving my current city when I finish grad school this spring, so I will have to do a BFF (and BF!) search later this year.
I have to ask…how do you know when to give up on a potential friendship? I have study buddies from class, but I am always the one initiating out-of-class get togethers. And most of the time they never happen because they already have social lives/things going on (which I’m not invited to). Is it time to give up?
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How have I now only discovered your blog? I hear ya, sister. Loud and clear in the suburbs of Washington, DC. I look forward to reading more!
I just heard about your book and blog, and your story is making me feel so much better! I recently moved from NYC to Boise to be with my formerly long distance boyfriend, and while everything else is falling into place, I miss my best friends in far away cities and find myself coming pretty close to sidling up to girls at bars and asking them out
Thank you for sharing your story!