He Can’t Be My Girlfriend, He’s My Boyfriend

I was incredibly honored to be featured last week on the official WordPress blog, where I was asked to provide some tips for building a blog following. It was funny to see my face on a post like that, since I’m still learning so much about the blog world and how to conquer it. I constantly look to stars like Gretchen Rubin and Neil Pasricha for inspiration.

Since the post was published, a number of new readers have made their way over to this corner of the webs (thank you! and welcome!) and one recurring question that has come up is: “Isn’t your husband your best friend forever?”

The short answer? No. As I’ve wrote at the beginning of this blog, I don’t think a spouse should be a BFF. Or, you can’t complain to your husband about your husband (well, you can, but it does nothing good for the relationship.)

Let me clarify that I adore my husband. He’s the cream of the crop. He’s my most intimate companion and he makes me laugh and takes care of me and challenges me and will be with me for life. But if you try to get all your needs from one person, you may be dissapointed. And you’re probably putting too big a strain on your marriage.

That said, research says the most successful marriages are relationships that have strong friendships. I believe that. Matt and I enjoy each other’s company. We can sit and chat over dinner, making jokes that only we understand or discussing current events or our work days or whatever. A relationship that’s all passion and lovey-doveyness all the time probably can’t last either. You need a foundation to get through the hard parts.

It’s a delicate and tough balance. Which is probably why marriage is hard and some don’t work out. You have to be friends. You have to respect each other and get along. Wanting to jump each other all the time or exclusively calling each other “honey-poo” in public isn’t enough. But you also need to have other people. You can’t say “I don’t need friends because my husband is my best friend.”

Big mistake. Huge.

What do you think? Can your husband be your BFF?

73 Comments

Filed under The Search

73 responses to “He Can’t Be My Girlfriend, He’s My Boyfriend

  1. I do agree with your assessment — a BFF is different from a BF is different from a spouse. While each sometimes has components of the others, they shouldn’t be fully contained in one. Personally, I need diverse people in my life to fill many roles. And I think we feel more fulfilled when we have multiple resources — different people in which we can confide, with whom we can vent and in whom we can trust.

  2. stéphanie fischer

    So true! I’ve been living with my companion for almost 19 years. He is very precious & kind to me, we’re parents of 5 challenging & lovely kids. But he can’t be anything for me, I just NEED to talk to other people who are able to understand me, who belong to my universe, with whom I’ll share any interests… It doesn’t deprive my relationship with my husband of anything. I believe I can be a better wife if I live a full-satisfying friendship with another woman.

  3. My spouse constantly remarks that I am his best friend, but I kind of shake my head and say,ok.We are in our 50′s and have been hit with a lot of deaths, so people have been dropping like flies.It is really true what you said about not being able to complain about your husband(friend) to your husband.That’s how I roll- I have 5 BF’s, and then there’s Jim,LOL

  4. I would like to say Congrats first of all on being on the Official WordPress blog. You deserve it.

    Second, I do consider my girlfriend a best friend. I am able to talk to her about anything and everything. I am also able to ask her anything and everything and get straight answers. Sometimes they are embarrassing. But we do talk all the time about everything. Not sure if it is BFF or just BF. i guess i really do not get that concept, but I am a man, and We do not talk like that. LOL. :)

  5. This is a very sensitive issure.
    thanks

  6. Sue

    Agree- hubby is a BF, but I think it is too much pressure to want your partner to be everything to you. Having other people & BFFs in your life make you richer and enhance that marriage relationship.

  7. The importance of female friends for a woman in a heterosexual relationship cannot be understated. It’s possible to have the most wonderful marriage: shared histories, shared goals, shared values, and, not to be underrated, shared space, and still need more that he cannot fulfill because he’s a male! We are attracted because we are different– not because we are the same. Life is enhanced by differences and variety or we might as well just spend a lot of time with ourselves or clones of ourselves.
    Rachel’s book makes very clear that she’s not seeking just one best friend, she really enjoys the group of women she grew up with and really wants to find others who can connect with that. If she later chooses to add children into the mix of marriage that group support will be invaluable. I have been through periods with and without that support structure over the course of a long and successful marriage. Life is really better with women who can offer that boost from a female point of view.
    Without another woman to share with, I can feel very alone. And, I might add, it’s not just talking about your husband that’s as beneficial as having a self-confident (within your friendship) “other” not solely dependent on you for a snuggle at the end of a day or insecure about revealing to you that they are not perfect (yes men are insecure and need your backup).

  8. completely agree with you.though im not married,i do believe that having experienced relationships,your man cant be your end all be all.that’s why we need to compartmentalize our lives into different relationships,ie friends,colleagues.etc. thank you!

  9. Up until a few weeks ago I would have disagreed with you. I’ve just had a break up (almost 6 years…since I was 17 :( ) and I keep insisting he is my best friend. Now I’m taking a step back…perhaps that was part of the problem.
    There are 2 or 3 girls who have stood by me and who have been neglected. I hope to fix this. I’m lucky.
    I just came across your blog via the WordPress article and I love the concept and bought the book. I so would have liked to meet you as a possible bff!
    Now if you ever want a Pen Pal Bff… I love writing letters and making friends :) I’m in Belfast, Ireland. Hey!
    x

    • Fiona – the same thing happened to me when I broke up with my long term boyfriend! I totally understand how you feel. I live in Los Angeles, where I find it SO hard to make friends so I expected SO much of my long term boyfriend (not that he was short of issues which ultimiately ended the relationship) but I do think in hindsight that I put a LOT of pressure on him to be EVERYTHING for me and neglected the friends that had that role already… don’t worry you will get your true friends back, they will understand and you learned right? so it won’t happen again? :) That’s what I keep telling myself!

  10. My husband is absolutely my best friend. We were best friends for 6 months before he got up the guts to kiss me and it has only gotten better. 27 years together, 25 years of marriage. We have so much fun together. I have plenty of girl friends but no-one that is my absolute BFF like my Tommy. We have fun together 7 days a week.

  11. The Grown Up Princess

    I had this conversation one night with my mom and a bunch of her girlfriends, who I consider moms. And I think there’s a bit of a generation gap on this topic. They didn’t grow up wanting Carrie Bradshaw’s blunt and honest brunch group. They also didn’t watch as many of their friends families break up. I agree that putting all of your expectations on one person, is just too much. Marriage is amazing, but your husband can’t be everything… some things just require a BFF.

  12. I had this conversation one night with my mom and a bunch of her girlfriends, who I consider moms. And I think there’s a bit of a generation gap on this topic. They didn’t grow up wanting Carrie Bradshaw’s blunt and honest brunch group. They also didn’t watch as many of their friends families break up. I agree that putting all of your expectations on one person, is just too much. Marriage is amazing, but your husband can’t be everything… some things just require a BFF.

  13. This is great. Never thought about it like this before. We move around so much that it is hard for me to make friends quickly, because I am pretty shy and that always puts a little strain on my relationship. Once I get active in my community, we coast right along just fine.

  14. You’re absolutely right on! Husbands have their place, BFF’s have theirs! Every woman needs a friend she can confide in, giggle with, and get a woman’s perspective! I love my husband too but he can’t take the place of any of my girlfriends and would not even try!
    Have a happy week!

  15. My husband is my best friends. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t love having OTHER friends for my girl-time. I love doing things with my husband, and together with our “couple friends,” but I also need some time without him with my other friends. My husband being my best friend doesn’t mean I can’t be good friends (great friends!) with other people. I’m just most comfortable with, and can confide a lot more in, my husband, than anyone else I’ve ever been friends with. We were best friends for a couple of years before we started dating (I was dating someone else at the time) and we have remained so since.

    • Rose

      I’m very much of the same mind of you. I consider my husband to be my best friend. but that is not an exclusive thing. One can have more than one BFF. So why can’t my husband be one of them?

      I agree with Rachel that it can be an issue if your hubby is your ONLY friend. But my husband is a wonderful companion. In your book, Rachel, I remember you describe the role of a husband as lover, protector, and provider. These words paint a very narrow role that actually sounds very sexist and old school. My husband is my other half, my equal and my closest friend.

      I have other strong friendships, most with women. But I have had girl-friends come and go throughout my life, while my husband has stayed true at my side. I do not think I need to downplay our relationship in order to have other meaningful friends. Just my two cents.

      • Janna

        I see it like you, Rose – you described it very well. Just like Rachel is looking for multiple BFF’s, husband can be one of them. My girlfriends are different from each other and bring different things from each other into our friendships – same as husband. Haven’t read the book (yet), but I would agree that seeing a husband as a “lover, protector and provider” sounds a bit sexist…if you see it only in the “old-school” context. But, what if he is that to you, and you are that to him? I’m his lover, his protector and his provider (in more ways than just monetary), too. Doesn’t have to be one-sided, I think.

        • Rose

          You make an interesting point that I had not considered, suggesting that her description may go both ways.

          I suppose I’m a bit biased by the word “lover”, which to me describes a guy I had a crazy summer fling after high school, not my husband. But its really all semantics. From my perspective, those words do not describe my relationship with my husband, nor his relationship with me. But I remember that those words might describe someone else’s relationship, and that’s ok.

  16. You have it right Rachel.

  17. All I can say is God made “Girlfriends” for a damn good reason!

    Great Blog… over here from Word Press. Xx

  18. My husband is not my BFF because he just doesn’t like shoe shopping, antiquing, pedicures, or scrapbooking all weekend… and I don’t like going to NFL games, playing Dungeons & Dragons, or Poker Night.

    But we both like skiing, laughing at the same kind of movies, having similar political perspective, both grumbling about housework, being irritated at our 10 yr old son about the same things, being amused at our 10 yr old son about the same things.

    We need different people in our lives. A BFF is different than a sister, a mother, an aunt, OR a husband :-)

  19. I am on the role this morning. This is the second blog I read where my morning thoughts relate. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for little less then two years. One day he claimed me as a best friend and I was surprised, but excited. See, when I was younger, in my 20′s I always thought that I would want to marry my best friend. Anyone who knows me, know that I have never claimed any of my good close friends as a BFF. “How can I choose who is the BEST?” I would pounder. And I really couldn’t, so I choose to love my friends and the roles they play in my life without giving them “the title”. However; I was comfortable with accepting my boyfriend’s words of endearment for me as BFF and in return claiming him as mind; base on my theory from my 20′s that I want to marry my best friend. This morning on my way into work, my morning thought about BFF was… What if we are no longer in a relationship, how messed up it would be for his next girlfriend if he has me as a BFF. Cause, just because we are no longer boy/girlfriend does not mean we won’t BFF’s. I don’t give that title to anyone, and when I decided that he was mind, it wasn’t for me to take back. I carefully considered why he should be mind. Those reasons would be a blog in itself, but in short, because I do feel like I can talk about everything to him. When it is about him, well, I learned to say “I coming to you as a friend”. I hear what everyone is saying about it being too much pressure on a person. But I see it different; I see it as the best way of communicating to your spouse or boyfriend. We tend to sometimes vent to others instead of talking to our mates. And we can be dead wrong about how we perceive something. And your friend that you are venting to can be an ear, or just put their spin on what they think is going on. But it is nothing like getting down to the truth and dealing with it. I can respect that everyone has their own definition of BFF; there is a lot of definitions out there. For me, there is only one that can take on the position as BFF; hints the word BEST. That person is someone that you share your life with; through time, commitment and unconditional love. I can’t think of anyone who would be best to fit in that category besides my mate for life. I know people probably shaking their heads saying they give me a few more years and see if I am still saying the same thing. I hope to come back and say what my definition is of BFF, re-defined or not.

  20. I totally agree. You need friends of your own as well, different than your husband/wife.

  21. Well, I guess I would say my husband is my BFF, mainly because I’ve had many BFs and they don’t always last. Nobody’s fault, things just change. Also, I think I’m pretty lucky because my husband and I are creative soulmates and that’s way more than most ever get. We drive each other nuts too ;) I have always had very deep friendships outside of my marriage though, however…I will add, I used to use those friendships to diss my man more than I should have. We called it venting back then, but ultimately, I should have been talking to my guy about the problems. But that was a long time ago.

    Your book reminds me of something I did back when my guy and I moved to LA, like 20 years ago. Of course, I had no friends, and there was no way to find them or blog about it…lucky you…so I put an add in the personals and tried to find a few others who wanted to be pals. It was a good thing to do, nothing panned out for too long, but it was fun and I’m glad I did that.

    Congrats to you and thanks for the tips here today. I couldn’t agree more. Blogging is about community. I love that you were able to use Social Media to connect up with people in real life. Way to go! This is the wave of the future!

  22. Melinda Rodriguez

    Great food for thought! After divorcing a 20 year relationship and reconnecting with my high school sweetheart almost 3 years ago, and having the opportunity to really do this relationship right, I would agree that although my partner and I are great friends, I still need my female friends and don’t need or want him as my BFF. I had awarded my ex the role of being my best friend, and well, he just couldn’t live up to that. I should not have expected him too. I love how my current partner is different than me, has his own opinions that are different from mine and his own interests that are not necessarily mine. Its sexy! And I enjoy my girlfriends so much more now and spend more time with them, which feels far more balanced. How could my partner ever understand what it is like to be a woman? And how could I ever understand what it is like to be a man? We both need our same-sex friends. Although I have experienced challenges over the years with some female friendships because of “drama”, which is why I awarded the role to my ex, those friendships that survived the years are strong. I don’t have a lot of friends, and truly enjoy the company of my partner most of the time as we have a blast together, but the contrast of outside friendships is essential.

  23. Anonymous

    Hear Hear! The research supports this entirely. I wish more women and men took this fact seriously. Friendships outside of a marriage are the main predictors of long term success in a marriage. That has been proven in the research for decades. It has also been shown that married men who have “mid life crises” (and often as a consequence leave their wives) are less likely than others to have close male friendships. Married women are less likely than married men to have “mid life crises” because they are more likely to have close friendships outside of the marriage. If you only have your spouse to talk about your spouse, you go crazy.

  24. Us women who love men need to act from the heart. The heart includes our man (whether we consider him our best friend or our best lover), our families, and our closest friends. There are no guarantees that a marriage, family relationships, or our best friends will be there for us a lifetime. I believe this is about creating balance so that when life gets a little crazy (and it will) we have the depth of resources to deal with it. This is called being truly happy with the life we build and knowing that it is counter productive to think otherwise.

  25. G Jane

    I agree with you – but not just because this person is your partner/significant other. I simply feel like it’s healthier to avoid putting any single person into a role where they need to fulfill all of our needs (too much pressure on them and the relationship. Plus, it’s an unreasonable goal!).

    In my life I try to have a web of friends, with a core group of close ones. Not everyone shares my vast interests, so I can call on specific friends for a variety of activities—going to an academic talk, trying out for a musical, brunch, or a spontanous road trip.

  26. love is the ground of any relationship…only love

  27. I absolutely believe a husband can also be a BFF. Mine is and has been for 27 years. Nobody knows me and my needs better than he. And I, him. That doesn’t mean I don’t have other friends; I do. Just none of them are my BFF. That’s reserved for my hubby.

  28. I’m a new reader thanks to WordPress publicising you last week and I’ve since bought your book! Can’t wait to read it, and I think it’s a very real issue that you hit upon for those of us women who have grown up/away from our BFFs and miss the good old days of friends being your whole world.

  29. WP sent me to your blog. I am also releasing a first book this year and my blog is the basis or at least the testing grounds for my work in the book/s.
    I am very excited to see that blogging has been a key factor in your development as a writer.
    Your post today is intriguing. I am going to forward over to my wife and solicit her opinion :-)
    Thanks for inspiring Rachel.
    Cheers,
    M

  30. Love this post and I look forward to reading more of the blog and perhaps I’ll get the book. I too am looking for friends. I’m 15 months new in my town and have miserably failed about four times now, mostly for the same reason. Somethings amiss. I’m changing and having a hard time finding my bearings in this arena. I’m getting married in a month too and will take some of your comments as a caution. By default, my fiance is my BFF at the moment but I do need/want other women to spend time and chat with. I miss long in person talks with my girlfriends back home. I’m not a phone person and so it’s been tough to keep up.

  31. Yes and No. My husband will definitely be there for me no matter what. However, there are some things that I think he would prefer I deal with, experience, or share with my girlfriends. For example: Harry Potter and Twilight movie premieres, most chickflicks, going for a mani/pedi, gossiping about the latest celebrity drama, makeup/clothes/fashion. My husband would talk and do the above things with me, but why would I put him through that torture? There is no need to torture him when I have tons of girlfriends who would love to have a pajama party with me while watching “The hills” episodes!

  32. As someone else said, your partner is A best friend but he/she can’t be everything. We move around a lot and after our first move my husband and I grew to rely on each other more because we didn’t have our friends to go to to discuss relationship issues (as we had been doing.) We were newly married at the time so maybe this lack of communication was just a rookie mistake? We both feel so much more complete I ourselves and our relationship if we can each get in friend time.

  33. I’m one of those readers that made it to your corner of the web! I just started a blog (two entries lol), but I’ve gotten some good feedback so I figured why not try and expand it! Which is what brought me to read the article about your blog. I’ll be sure try out some of your tips (like now).

    About your husband being your bff, I have to say I agree and disagree. Over the years of having ups and downs with friends, I’ve come to realize you have to know that it’s necessary to have different kinds of friends. For example, if I need a friend to listen to my troubles and give me some good advice I go to one friend, but if I just want to laugh and have an amazing night I go to another. The street goes both ways. Friends come to me depending on what their necessities are at the moment.

    The same thing applies to your husband. He should be your ultimate bff, but it doesn’t mean you don’t need other friends. You can’t get everything from one person- that would be exhausting for both parties!

    Anyway, thanks again for the tips and congrats on being so successful with your bolg!

  34. Hi Rachel…
    Read your WP interview and was immediately inspired. Thank you!
    In regards to The Hub V BFF…what does constitute a BFF? My Hub ticks certain boxes but when it comes to the finer details…like going over and over (and over) a work dispute with a fine tooth comb or a certain mum in the school playground making me want to physically hurt her….there are some things only a BF can advise you on (or not advise just resort to mass hysteria then follow with a large glass of White and slab of chocolate).
    Look forward to catching up on your other posts….

  35. I totally agree with Rachel. I love my husband more than words can say, he is my best friend, lover, companion, and all that goes with being a husband. We are totally in love with each other. That said. I need a BFF! I need someone other than my husband sometimes, to talk to and do things my husband has no interest in doing. We do most things together, because we love to. But each of us needs that one special person, or in rare cases more. I have had my BFF since we were in the second grade. It has been a life time. We lived next door to each other growing up, moved to different cities after college and marriage, then moved after the divorces, both sides, and moved back to the same city to be closer, then she moved back to our hometown after her divorce. We now live in different cities again, which sucks, but I know she is always apart of my life regardless. We may not talk every day on the phone, but if I need her she drops everything, to be there when I need her. Our friendship has seen more than most. Can’t say that about husbands. I love her like a sister, her mom, like a second mom, and her pain, my pain. She is and always will be there for me. In fact, I am waiting, excitedly for her visit in two weeks. It will be a time to catch up, talk until the we hours of the night, drink wine, laugh, cry and most of all be BFFs. My husband will sit back enjoy the fact that I am happy and join in. The best of both worlds. Yay for BFFs!

  36. Amy

    My husband was my “bff” for years and while I had friends and co-workers, there was a void in my life for a true Bestie. When I finally met her, I was euphoric! My husband and I get along fabulously but we are currently in the thick of raising kids and keeping life afloat and I need to get out of here and hang with my Bestie often! That said, I need my other friends too, especially my circle of mom friends as my Bestie does not have children. I feel like my life is complete right now and I have the very best of both worlds!

  37. I enjoyed this so much, I showed it to my daughter who will be going out into the world on her own soon.

  38. I could not agree more. Too many women give up their separate lives (and their sense of self) when they get married, or even have a boyfriend. I think friends are underappreciated by many wives and outside interests make a relationship spicier. Who wouldn’t want a spicier marriage?

  39. I completely agree. I have often said that my husband needs a girlfriend! Not in the sense most people think, but he needs his own BFF, so that I’m not the one he complains to all the time. I am lucky that I have such a wonderful husband, but I’m also lucky I have such awesome friends too. :)

  40. I’m 36, and I just figured this out for myself recently. If you put all your eggs in one basket, sometimes you are going to feel let down- and resentful. Good blog!

  41. I believe it depends on your husband’s personality. Some men can tolerate girls’ talks, some don’t.
    I think it also depends on whether or not you have little children. I think any new mom needs advice from other women and that might look like a time when her husband isn’t her BFF anymore.

  42. The Ladyboy Mirror

    Just like many of your fans, followers and supporters, I would like to congratulate you for how productive your blog had developed and of course for the success of your book and your career.

    I am still about to start to read your blog and your book so no comment yet about the content.. but again.. thank you very much

  43. I possibly couldn’t agree more.. It is a luxury to have that girlfriend who understands your language yet doesn’t judge you on that. Someone whom you could just listen and listen without saying “you have said that a million times now. Fix it or forget it”. Not that simple, is it?

  44. Hi there! I’m a new follower! I’ll try to look for your book in the shops :)

    My wife is my BFF and she considers me her BFF too. But that doesn’t limit us to having other close friends.We’ve known each other since we were 10 and now we’re both 36. I respect her own circle of friends, and vice versa.

  45. gaiabathtime

    Husband BFF Yeeeeeeeeeeees…. but like many of the comments already state he is not the one that will let you go over and over something that you really can t let go and move on from. He will get that far-away-look in his eyes whereas that female BFF will sincerely listen, repeatedly, give sincere advise, repeatedly, AND strangely when she will say ‘ Just get over it now’ I will accept that, know it to be good advise and take it …whereas if my husband said that I would be mortally hurt. Weird isn’t it!

  46. Sandy

    It’s so true! And I always have to remember myself when in need of a BFF and only have my husband around. It’s my forth year in the US and “asking out” females doesn’t seem to come around any successful :( and my hubby feels the pressure ways too much!!

  47. I agree, imagine substituting FB as a BFF.

  48. ox

    Funny how women absolutely need someone outside their marriage and argue that it’s OK and the greatest thing ever, and when it comes to men and sex it’s “I should be enough for him” and “cheating bastard”. Double standards are so practical aren’t they?

  49. Cindee

    I believe my husband should be my highest priority friend, but you’re also right in that he absolutely cannot be my best GIRLFRIEND. To me, there’s a huge difference in expectation between the two. I think we were created to have/seek a network of friends with different levels of intimacy that change as we go through different seasons in our lives. My workout buddy friend may fall into a different category if we stop working out together. My mom-neighbor friend may not be my go-to girlfriend if her kids are all grown and gone and I have a new baby. I think it’s an ebb and flow and that if we’re not constantly open and seeking new friendships to add to our outer circles of relational intimacy that we’ll find ourselves without a “bestie” at some point in our lives and we change and mature.
    At 41 years old, I’ve been married almost 12 years (2nd marriage) and have a 17 year old girl, an 11 year old boy, and a 4 month old boy. My husband and I are still working on having realistic and fair expectations of each other. For us, it’s part of the process. : )

  50. Danny

    Hi there,
    I totally agree with you when you say that your spouse cannot be your BFF. I’ve been married for three years now and I live a happy life with my wife. But we are not best friends. We share a very good relationship but however we try, we cannot talk about all subjects relating to ourselves and how we deal with those daily petty things which come around between us. Anyway I believe that what we have is already a blessing and we each have our best friends with whom to share many other things.
    So for me, a BFF can only be someone else than your spouse.
    Cheers
    Danny

  51. ox

    Having a wife who is not your best friend is one thing, deducting from this that “your spouse cannot be your BFF” is nonsense. It’s like saying nobody eats olives, because I don’t like olives. My wife is my best friend, nobody even comes close. So Danny, I’m sorry but you’re dead wrong.

    “He absolutely cannot be my best GIRLFRIEND” – how is this any different from a man saying that he needs a mistress because his wife doesn’t turn him on? You never, ever, hear any woman argue that their husband has a right to see other women because his needs are not being fulfilled.

    • Anonymous

      Hi OX
      You may not agree with me but that’s my point of view, man !
      Anyway, it’s great that your wife is your BFF. As I said that’s not my case. And we’re both okay with that. So long

    • Can you have a satisfying sexual relationship with a friend? Of course! Can that friend be your husband? Of course! Does your husband want to go for a pedicure with you? Mine hates the idea and doesn’t want a pedicure. He is still a great friend. But he doesn’t qualify for BFF because he doesn’t want to talk endlessly about relationships, get pedicures, or go to some of the movies I want to see either. How does that make friends, be they male or female, some kind of cheating? A lot of men want to be their wife’s BFF, maybe because they don’t have their own guy friends or they are just insecure about sharing their wife’s time with anyone else. Now we are getting into the marital counseling arena. Ladies and gentlemen: Think before you leap into such a restrictive deal.

  52. Rose

    It seems that different readers hold different definitions of what a “BFF” is. A lot of people are saying their husbands can’t be their best friend, because they do not enjoy girly tv shows and girl talk. And my husband doesn’t like that stuff either. But I would not define a best friend like that.

    There is an underlying friendship in my marriage. My husband laughs with me, supports me, listens to me, and enjoys spending time with me. We are the closest of friends.

    Note – I am not disagreeing that women need female friendships. In fact, I believe every commenter has agreed with that so far. But I don’t see why it needs to be so black and white.

    I agree with “ox”, maybe some people aren’t friends with their spouse. But I am. And that does not make me a isolated woman in weak marriage.

  53. Rachel, I am just getting into the world of blogging… that gives a little bit about the generation I belong to :) — and in trying to figure out a way to make my blog interesting, I got into your blog.
    Are you related to Bill Bertsche? I had the privilege of working with Bill at ECFS. And – here’s another connection… my son attended Northwestern, class of 2010.
    Congratulations on your success!

  54. I have been married almost 5 years but I can’t say my husband is my BFF. In fact my BFF is my best friend of 5 years too who I met at University and funnily enough my ex too is one of my BFF. I find that they have the history and know me well enough to give proper advice. It’s not that my husband doesn’t know me well enough but he’s more pragmatic. I think its healthier to have a BFF who is not your husband, possibly places too much of a burden on the spouse (also thanks for the blogging tips, I just started blogging and the info came in handy!)

  55. I am another new follower from WordPress. I do not consider my husband my best friend – he’s my friend. Unfortunately, due to moves, etc. I don’t have a BFF right now, but wish I did. I just find it more & more difficult to meet people as I get older. When you’re younger you have your kids to help you connect to other people. When my hubby & I moved to our current city, we joined a bowling league to meet people & it helped, but health problems forced us to give this activity up. My husband can make friends at the drop of a hat, me not so much. Unfortunately, I work for a very large corporation with many offices in my city & I fill in for people on vacation or sick leave so I move from office to office & so it’s difficult to make good friends through work since I’m always moving. Sorry this turned into a boohoo for me, that was not my intention. When you have friends outside the marriage it keeps you interesting as you get other people’s points of view on topics, you discuss topics you might not even think to discuss with your spouse. So I say, keep your spouse as a good friend, but continue to cultivate other friendships outside the marriage.

  56. teguhngefriend

    Nice to know your blog, Rachel. Thank’s for your valuable tips. It means a lot for me.
    I’m Teguh, I’m a man and I think I’m the only one reader of yours from Jakarta, Indonesia. (BTW, do you know Jakarta or Indonesia?)
    Well, I hope we could build a good long distance friendship, cause distance is not a matters in our day.

  57. I’m so glad I discovered this blog! One of the biggest hurdles I got over in my marriage (to a super awesome pants man) was realizing that having your husband for a friend isn’t enough. I’m thrilled with that aspect of our marriage and can’t imagine life without it, but the pressure I put on him to be my one and only bff was really hurting our relationship. I’m not naturally good with the ladies, but once I put my self-consciousness aside and really tried to make some good girlfriends, my marriage improved. Amazing how that happened! And I get the best of both worlds now — a funny, sexy, awesome husband who occasionally pisses me off, and a couple of witty, fun and understanding girlfriends to talk to when he does. Plus, they’ll share pastries and go to vintage stores with me. Now he doesn’t have to sulk in a corner with his iPhone while I try on shoes. Win, win!

  58. Oh, thank goodness there are level headed people who believe in the separation between “church and state,” which means that I have my friends, you have your friends, it makes for a great relationship. Guys need their guy time – and of course, we women need our girlie time.

    Nice read!

  59. Eva

    Rachel, I am one of those new readers who found your blog through the official WorldPress blog, so thank you for the warm welcome :)
    I like your way of writing about friendship… thinking about friends became a big thing in my life after we moved from the very north of Germany to the very south. Even after years, I am still not confident with what I have here and so it’s time to re-reflect….
    btw, my husband is a wonderful friend to me, but he’s not the answer to all my needs. Making and having friends is indispensable.

  60. Coastlight

    Lovely advice. My previous long-term relationship ultimately failed, largely due to expecting waaaaay to much of each other. We didn’t have our own friends or autonomous lives and I now realize just how important that is. Thank you for sharing!

  61. Absolutely not. Merely by proximity, my husband is my best friend because we do most things together. I move around too much to make a true “best friend” and all my friends are already taken. I just don’t relate much to girls and I think I am gun shy.
    But… I have a best friend in Chicago and several groups of people that I hang out with. It is super important to have some separation.

  62. This was really a great post! I used to think of my husband as my best friend and had no real interest in meeting new people. Now that I have been making some changes in my way of life, I realize how true it is that you can not get all of your needs met by one person. BTW, great job on the official blog. I found the advice to be very helpful!

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